Each breath- a fleeting moment

I remember a bright spring day.  I was the embodiment of the Maiden, the golden sky arrow of cardinal energy bursting forth.   I called to the Horned God in all the fervor I could muster.  He came in the animal form, full of blood, sex, and death.   Hooved boots stomped on delicate spring narcissuses and I quivered in my youthful polarity of desire.

The moment of intoxicating nectar, ephemeral heady scent, snuffed out deliberately.  The God had made his point of the sacrifice, fleeting beauty in the moment, and the inveitabilty of death's embrace.  Absolutes are so precious and resource intensive.   Even in this form, jasmine, honeysuckle, lotus, daffodil, and rose are not captured in their pure form, but only a portion of their being can be stored in bottles.  

We never capture anything.  We own nothing.  Each moment is fleeting, precious, and unique.   Only change is constant.  

A debate I got into this year was on the nature of love.  It was posited to me that love causes pain, wars, suffering and destruction.  To me, higher love, divine love is giving, not grasping, joyful, and does not make demands.   To make demands is to cage an object of one's attention, not to tend a flower into blooming.  To me, destructive love is ownership, imprisionment, anger, fear, obsession, envy, jealousy.  This is not love, but the crushing of ephemeral beauty. 

People are not flowers, even though I may have likened the experience of love to one.   People are bulbs, seeds, acorns, if you will.  Whether we become bonsais, saplings, or great grandmother trees, is part of how we reach town the sun each day, drink in the rain, whether it be drizzle or blizzard, listen to the wind, and feel within the dark for ever stronger roots.

Focus on breath

Could it be that there are times in our lives when there is nothing to say?  One waits and watches the new scene unfold?  

I am journaling privately, but in my caccoon time, I don't know what I should share nor how to share it. 

I am doing work, much of it mundane, but working much more on staying in the now, and being grateful. There is so much abundance that I keep catching myself saying "thank you.  I love you."  I don't know why I say it or to whom I'm addressing. This abundance richly hues my life in such a contrast to the monotone darkness of pain and suffering I left last year that time is wearing down the scars.  The tears are over and a rest, peacefully each day in the joyful sun.

  

The hustle and bustle of the holiday season

Ho ho ho everyone!  Its that time of the year and people are traveling, eating too much, and shopping!

Oh goody...

Bah humbug!  I'm a Capricorn.  I have license to say that!

I too am to busy as I wrap up my old job, pack (again) and move across country to Florida.  I just hope that the roads don't freeze over and we don't have any snow in the next 2 days before I get outta here!  I'm trying to get ready for my new job, a new Pagan teaching schedule, and getting my household in order again.  My financial and legal matters are wrapping up and I am finally free from the house in MD I've been trying to sell since 2008.  All Hail the Gods!

Yes, I'm doing too much too.  Totally hypocritical, I get it.

I was reading this article about how to bring mindful presence to the season and I felt that I also needed to repost my favorite Yule article that I wrote several years ago about Yule vs. the Holiday Season.

Make sure you look at what's important, what you are recognizing as being grateful for, and how you seek the spirit of generosity.  It probably has very little to do with money. For my whole family, its about being together this year.  We are all psyched to be together with new jobs and lots of sunshine to share with each other. 

I'm grateful for the amazing friends I've had supporting me in the past 6 or so months and the abundance of the universe, pouring out for me. 

What are you going to express gratitude for this year?

Blessings,

Stay with the Light

At Mabon, Hades told me to not go into the underworld this year, to stay with the light--to remember what brings me true joy.

I thought this was a great idea as it allowed me to have a light winter with enjoyment, connection, friends, and relaxation.  I could just practice radical self-care all winter and hopefully not experience much strife. 

That's not what the God meant.

It was a great thing to tell myself as I planned out my immediate future, but that was not the message.

The message was that I was about to move to the Sunshine State before winter hit and I literally wouldn't deal with the dark cold days of northern New Jersey this winter.  I would literally be staying in the light.  Since Florida is closer to the equator, the disparity between the length of days between the solstices is not nearly as dramatic as more northern latitudes. 

I can hardly wait the joy I will find in my new life and my new home in Florida.  It's been 14 years since I've lived there. 

Just as an aside, this is why its so important to write down ritual experiences and write down messages you receive from dreams, omens, and the Gods.  The message may not have meaning to you for weeks, months or even years!  For example, the vision I had in my first degree initiation in 2005 didn't make sense until 2010!

I set an intention last night to let my heart rest and to be gentle to myself, to continue the process of surrender to my Goddess and to open the doors within and without.

What is your intention?

Lesson of the 3 of swords

What is the lesson of the 3 of Swords?  It is my card, my mantra, my hope today.  Can we sink into this card, and not avoid looking at it?  Not avoid feeling?  Not talk about what it isn't or what it will be later from now?

What is the three of swords right-now?


I feel like the rainy November morning, stormy through the night is washing my heart clean.  I feel like the sky is giving me forever hugs. 

While my heart is pierced, broked, and healing, it is also open, ready for change. 

Breakdown (the pit)

Finally I have something to say. 

For a month or two I have been so busy and bogged down in packing, moving, unpacking, and separating my life that I just didn’t have the energy or time to contemplate my navel.  Now I know that life is not ending, but it is just that a new story was working up to start.

 During a panel discussion at The Crucible this weekend I mentioned that when times get tough, it is worth it to sit with the feelings for a while.  Underworld work is worthwhile work.  It is both challenging, scary, and very healing.  When we are at the lowest place on earth, crying, keening, sleeping, moping are all worthwhile as we review where we are, how we got there, and what has to change. 

Underworld Goddesses are patient, compassionate, and deeply loving.  They allow us to unburden ourselves from pain and suffering, then move back to the joy and light of the living.  At a Mabon ritual I attended, hosted by Moonfire, Hades told me to remember what brings we joy this year and not step into the darkness this cycle.  Hesitantly, I am doing so.
 

Today, I read an amazing article by Garrison Cohen, of Elephant Journal. 

 In relationships we all enjoy the fun, light, playful, juicy exterior of knowing someone. And then when we come to a breakdown (the pit) we want to throw it away, ignore it, treat it as worthless. The majority of the time we see “the pit” of relationship as a waste of our time, not what we want, not fun anymore.

I believe we’re missing the point.

Just as the pit is the source of life for the fruit, breakdowns are the source of life for the relationship. Not just your relationship with him or her—but your relationship with everything and everyone, including yourself.

If we run from the breakdowns, we simply stay on the surface where we can only have light, fun experiences. When we allow ourselves to really experience the breakdowns, we start to see the core of who we really are. This can feel scary and vulnerable and yet, only by embracing the source of life can we continue to grow.

 More often than not it is in the breakdown (the pit) that we find access to more life.

 

Last spring I was pretty sure I was having a total meltdown in my life that was close to being a nervous breakdown.  During this time I spent enormous amounts of time alone doing nothing in silence.  In that stillness, the answer I kept getting was, that this was the only way for me to change enough to complete the current lesson and move on to the next stage. 

In August I started Yoga.  Through this, Ganesha took me up and became my sponsor for the next stage.  I was ready to go through the new doorways and he was holding them open for me.  In Yoga, I started seeing all the butterfly metamorphosis analogies. 

Having a meltdown means that you are melting down the old so that the new can be forged, tempered, and shaped anew.  I need a bit of polish, but I am starting to shine. 

Blessed be.

Letting go of Old Ways

"Letting go of old ways allows us to become open and flexible and not hold on to a rigid sense of self.”
 

I just have to share this article by Lisa Sochocki on allowing ourselves to change, including how the ways we define ourselves creates bondage against that change.  http://www.dailycupofyoga.com/2013/09/22/breaking-the-bondage-and-opening-to-grace/ 

I haven't had much time to blog in the past couple of weeks.  I am fully within the crucible of finalizing some major life changes and and moving next week.  'Nuff said.  I'll be back at it in less than 2 weeks.

Blessings!

Mabon - the Flash of the Setting Sun

I have the featured article on Witchvox this week.  It's about Mabon.  Check it out! 

I've been bogged down in the mundane during the past few weeks.  In a couple of weeks I'll be moving.  Then, there will be stillness, contemplation, and more writing.  ;-)

Till then, blessings!

The Pain of Staying Present

 

Many yoga poses focus on opening your heart and bearing your heart to the sky.  I bend, I sweat, I open my heart chakra and let it flow, and I cry.  I grieve.  I come to the mat, the meditation cushion, a book, my blog, and have to consciously open my heart again. 

 Katrina Messenger gave me space, gave me an ear, the opportunity to be heard, and my heart opened and flowed.  The grief flowed, and the pain washed through me and was cleansed from me.  No tears were needed, just someone to witness, without judging, acknowledge, without trying to fix or change where I was in that moment.

With each drop of freely flowing sweat, I am cleansed.  Each tear purifies my heart.  In joy and in pain, I move through the flow, and at the same time, am still, coming back in each second to awareness, reminding myself to be present. 

Being willing to stay open and aware and not lose ourselves, our values, or our passions is hard.  T. Thorn Coyle speaks on this today as well.  Sometimes it hurts, and we experience, pain, anger, indignation.

The Morrigan told me I had to be more blood thirsty.  I had to thirst for life force, and more intense engagement of the act and process of living.  Even in menstruation, there is pain, and there is flow, the more we fight the movement of the flow, the more pain we find ourselves in.  It is an interesting paradox in the balance between the stillness of the now and the observation of constant movement and change.

 

I read an amazing article yesterday on Elephant Journal about how pain is our teacher.  It perfectly describes the process I have been engaged in this year. 

In class yesterday we talked about staying as the caterpillar in the chrysalis.  In the goopy formlessness of potential, and the utter, unrecognizable transformation of metamorphosis and change, we find comfort at our center, protected by silk.  Years from now you will not recognize yourself.  You are not who you used to be.  Your memories of what you were as a caterpillar will be like dreams for your new life as a butterfly.  For now, if you dare to let go of what was, what may be, then you can be free.  And in your freedom, your spirit will fly.

Crow Answers

So I’ve been reading a lot about letting go, surrendering to your inner guide, to your Higher Power, Higher Self, Holy Spirit (whatever you want to call it).  It’s the core of my work and has been for years now.  That’s why the name of my blog is Letting Go is Flying!  Last night in yoga class we set our intention of what we wanted to transform, transmute even during the class.  How did we want to rewire our brains through the movements of class so that we think differently when we leave?  This was great.  It was a spell, NLP, a ritual—right up my alley!  My intention was to let go, to let go of the tension, let go of the worry and the stress.  So I set my intention, and breathed power into the aum that joined with the auming from everyone in class.  Then I got to work, sweated, groaned, panted, and struggled through the asanas. 

 At the end of class I was wiped.  The teacher reminded us of our intention about changing our selves.  She asked us to leave whatever we wanted to leave behind in the puddle of sweat on the mat.  I deflated into the corpse pose, happy to let my breathing calm.  I had found the tension in my head, neck and back had lifted.  I stretched my arms out, letting my shoulders relax.  I opened my chest and silently prayed to my Higher Self, “I surrender.  You take over from here.”  At that moment, a murder of crows descended upon the silent yoga studio, cawing louder and louder.  I smiled, acknowledging that I had been heard.  They crows quieted and we lay in silence for the rest of the class.

The Lady Morrigan heard me alright.  She was waiting for me to give into the depth of practice she is requiring from me.  A month ago she told me the work had just begun.  I am no longer afraid of the work.  I have gone into the Dao.  The Dao means “the way”.  In martial arts it is said that we practiced the dao, meaning the practice itself is a way of life.  You are not practicing for something, but the practice is what you do, because this is how you live.  Yoga is the same way.  It is a practice, a way of life, a philosophy, a way.  Whether I’m in crow’s pose or not, I am practicing the way. 

 I think I need a new yoga mat.  What do you think of this one?  ;-)

I just got involved in an online study group of A Course of Miracles materials.  We're starting with The Disappearace of the Universe by Gary Renard.  If you want to join us, feel free.  A Course Of Miracles Study Group Online

Finding Peace in the Flow

Isn't it funny how sometimes things just pop into place? You bang your head against an invisible brick wall for months, and then suddenly, you walk around the wall, aren't frustrated at all, and you just move past it. 

I went to the gym Friday, a regular gym.  Not a gym of Wolverine or the Hulk, but a normal, civilized gym.  It was quiet.  The people were zoned out like they were on a plane.  The music was quiet.  I am a noisy, groaning, and moaning woman!  I did my thing, focused on my form, my intensity, my breathing, and people watched the mad woman groaning as I sweated through my workout.  

The hot yoga was my breakthrough.  It has been changing me; physically, mentally, emotionally, energetically.  It dovetails so nicely with my beliefs that its easy to feel engaged and connected with it.  Actually it reminds me an awful lot of sweat lodge--the focus, the intent, the heat, and the solitary struggle with others present.  I feel my pH changing over the course of a class.  I have been majorly detoxing to the point I'm having to change my diet as everything tastes differently.  I am drinking a ton of water and supplementing with teas and various foods as my intuition dictates.  Friday night I literally pulled pine needs of a pine tree at meditation class in order to make a tea out of them when I got home.  I went through months of not being able to drag myself to the gym to suddenly I can't wait to go as often as possible and it has become the highlight of my day. 

Ganesha is still visiting too.  I'll dedicate a full post to him later.  

I know, corny, but that really is how I feel right now! 

 

One thing I've tried to do a lot more is engage in what I'm doing and be present rather than trancing out all the time.  That was one of the big lessons from A New Earth, by Eckert Tolle. 

I got it into my head a few weeks ago that instead of feeling like dinner was a huge burden that my household puts on me by attrition, that I would create the "40 Freezer Meals in 4 Hours" that I found on Who Needs a Cape.  Because I don't try anything, I have to dive in head first into the deep end to find out what the FULL EXPERIENCE is like!  Well it didn't take me 4 hours, try 9.  I also had a migraine the whole time.  I didn't ever want to do food prep again and I was trashed the next day from the work.  Its been great to grab stuff from the freezer to put dinner together, however, most crock pot cooking is not the same quality as home-made stove cooking.  I find that I enjoy the process of cooking, when I have the time and energy that is.  The freezer meals have allowed me to cook on my terms when the mood strikes, mindfully. 

So, waiting, wondering, holding space.  I am constantly trying to be present in the now as well as be flexible and flow.  Past all the fear, the doubt, the regret, the grief, I am finding peace in the flow and trusting in the process.  

Namaste. 

The Wheel Turns- and Spins out Tarot Cards

Sunday Craig and I went to Deborah Lipp's wedding.  It was an amazing day, beautiful view, lovely ceremony, great food, and a good time.  It was a joy just to watch how happy the couple was and the swelling of their families, magickal and mundane to welcome them into both clatches. 

I got henna for the occassion. 

They had a tarot card theme wedding with the decorations, the cake, everything was based on the balance of the elements and the cards.  The cake had the magician's table on top!  Very cute. 

They had the neatest favors too.  Each guest got an envelope with a card.  There was a personalized interpretation of the card, done by Deborah.  I, of course, got the card I least wanted.  The card that plagues me.  I opened the envelope and immediately started tearing up.  To make things even more fitting, of course someone was trying to hug me hello at that exact moment.  Why do I wear make up on my eyes, ever?  Tell me please! 

What card you ask?  The Empress of course.  To make things more fitting, it was the Empress from the Robin Wood deck.  The deck I use almost exclusively.  I had also almost lost the card earlier that week and had found it on the floor separated from the deck.  I found that after 4 to 5 years of reading cards, that the deck, which had been a hand-me-down gift, was missing its Empress.  Why do I deny this card so much?  The message was to fully embrace giving my energy to projects larger than myself, to serve in ways that serve the many.  It was a tough message to get, feeling cut off from myself, in a community that I am only tertiarily a part of, and looking at all the limiting choices I had been making for 6 months. 

I got an immediate vision of my Third Degree initiation.  I left the Isle of Avalon, to pass through the gates, back into integration, but as I did, received the seed of initiation as a Third Degree in the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel.  The feeling was of estatic joy, dissolution, unity, and the creasting into a new flooding sea of the future.  I felt as if the Sea Priestess, Dion Fortune, herself had pushed me through, to go out into the world to further the work of Binah and Isis.  This was not the feeling of the Tower Card, but of Death, carrying the banner of the Tudor Rose, the symbol of life eternal. 

Whenever I think of the death card, I am taken back to the pathworking Dolores Ashcroft Norwicki offers in the Shining Paths, with the death barge being taken down the Nile.  I can smell neroli and hear the papyrus rustling in the breeze.

So why is the death card so appropriate?  Here, the ego, the Middle Self constantly chattering has to give way to the Higher Self as the Higher Self midwife's the soul in a rebirth to become a new remolded soul.  This is not the previous balancing of the elements (the minors), development of the magickal persona, the tempering by fire and ice (Temperence)--here the method is an  assumption with the higher nature and the integration of the three parts. 

Death offers the first step into a new way of being; a new sight, mind, and spirit.  Death, brings forth the High Priestess from the depths of the ocean, that she speak from a place of informed intuition, Strength, and ferry the Moon boat through each timeless night. Mirror, let us look upon your face to know the Sun.

Death, lead the way.  I'm ready to let it all go to pass through the gates and into the new life that awaits me.  There is no fear in your embrace, for I know now, that the inner death brings one to true life.  Blessed be.

Studying The Course - A Mandatory Course in Life and Miracles!

As you may have seen in recent posts lately, I've had some major breakthroughs with a shift in how I think and my relationship to myself and to the world. At lot of this I am attributing to picking up A Course In Miracles as my next "course" of study. I don't remember exactly why I decided to go for it; did I click on a link about happiness to some article I was reading? Did I just want something spiritual to do? I know another part of it was that I knew I really needed to apply forgiveness in my life, and that's what the course is all about.
So, what is the course?

In Gabrielle's article on the Course, she muses:

"My primary guide on my journey to self-love has been the metaphysical text "A Course in Miracles." The Course is a self-study curriculum emphasizing practical applications for relinquishing fear in all areas of life. The Course's unique thought system uses forgiveness as the road to inner peace and happiness.

Admittedly, when I first began reading The Course, the language and many of the concepts were extremely foreign to me. But, ultimately, I realized that getting bogged down in semantics was a silly distraction. What really mattered was how relevant The Course's teachings were to my life, and my absolute willingness to be guided to change."

Well there’s a good “why”, but what about the “what’s”?  The Course is a channeled work that was edited by Helen Schucman along with William Thetford in 1965 and published in 1976.  Read more about it here.  She does not consider herself the author, rather she wrote down a conversation that she was dictated by her inner guide, whom she relates to as Jesus.   

“Jesus?,” you say, “what?”  Here’s the deal, many occultists felt that part of their inner counsel has included “Christ/Jesus” in some way.  I am more concerned with answers that make sense and give me hope, peace and happiness, rather than I am about whom the medium identifies as the inner guide.  Bernstein says in this vlog entry, “focus on content, not frame”. 

 

 

 

It took me a while to get what she was saying.  But it goes like this—it’s not about religion, rules, or the outside appearance, or what something looks like or how many people are involved, it has to do with what you are actually doing.  Does it feed me and make me happy?   Does it serve others?  Is it working?  That’s what’s important, not the name of the contact. 

Here’s a bit from the official Course of Miracles international website: 

            This Course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

    "Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists.
    Herein lies the peace of God."

 A couple of weeks ago I attended an in person study group of the Course of Miracles that was hosted at a local Church of Christ.  I gave it a shot.  What I was disappointed in was that there was a strict inequality between the leader of the group, who was a Reverend, and everyone else.  One member even said, “No, you enlighten me.  You are the teacher, so teach.  I am the student and am an open book to learn from you, Teacher.”  Now, I’ll admit this person was being a bit glib and lightheartedly poking fun a bit, but I don’t want to go to a class to listen to someone quote the Bible.  I would go to bible study for that, not ACIM study.  I was still thinking about sticking it out, as I’m a strong believer in the power of organized classroom study and the power of group minds.  However, when I was sharing my hesitations with my mother, she pointed out that it was all wrong.  The Course is designed as a self-study course.  Everyone is equal in their ability to contact their inner guide and higher self directly.  There is no ascended master, no church.  It is all accessible within.  Ah.  That helped!  I knew something didn’t feel right.  Thanks Mom.  Funny thing was she told me this after I admitted to her; I didn’t really want to go back to the group, even though I was excited about the course.

So, since I was open at that point to listening to my mother, she also recommended starting with off shoot material to start with rather than diving directly into the Course Text itself.  SO, I started reading The Disappearance of the Universe by Gary Renard.   

One of my blog’s readers, Rhonda, so graciously reached out to me last week to *nudge* me on if I was planning on creating an online or email group so that a bunch of us could study the course together, share ideas, questions, and encouragement.  So here are a couple of options.  I found a great online forum that meets online once a week on the website that Bernstein mentioned in her vlog post above. Here: 

 

Or, as a way to make this more intimate and personal, if anybody wants to study with me via email and online, I love sharing discourse, ideas, and having study buddies.  No group projects, though, please!  LOL.  My inner perfectionist can’t handle that!  Aren’t you glad that you don’t stay stuck in grade school forever?  I sure am.  Now I get paid for being a team player and it’s called collaboration, not, the dreaded, “group projects”.  Just email me if you’re interested in reading The Disappearance of the Universe and/or A Course in Miracles together with me.

Higher Love

Last week I got into a debate on the definition of love.  I feel that higher love is always a good thing, that feeling love towards someone can only help the world and bring more joy and understanding into the world.  The one debating with me disagreed, saying that love causes war, death, pain, suffering, and more strife than any other thing in the world.  The idea was that love is the root cause of most great tragedies throughout history.  I thought that it was not love, but jealousy, envy, anger, unrequited wanting and yearning, and ownership that causes these things, not true, higher love.  The discussion ended abruptly that we would have to agree to disagree.  I was very vexed and sad after this conversation.

Earlier this week I was reading Gabrielle Bernstein’s quote from the Course of Miracles, lesson 153  “For in my defenselessness my safety lies” 

Here, the lesson of love is that we never have to defend ourselves, our actions (whether right or wrong), our position.  Bernstein quotes the adage, “Would you rather be right or be happy?”  I found this particularly ironic as my husband quotes this as "would you rather be right or be married."  I guess happily married is implied here, but it somehow lost some of its meaning and makes it sound like you are married to the proverbial ball and chain-- agreeing with your spouse for the sake of not arguing.  LOL!  When we put down the sword of self-righteous and justification, when we no longer need to be right or valued or approved of in order to have self-worth, we can just be happy and set out of the fight.  It is the fight that rages within us that is the problem.  

Yesterday in yoga, the instructor talked about always taking criticism as a learning opportunity  no matter what state of mind it came from and how it was intended to be taken.  It is an opportunity to monitor your responses.  Are you suddenly defensive?  Then it is an opportunity to change yourself, your thoughts, your responses.  You always have room to grow, change, learn, and become a better conduit of earth and sky—A conduit flowing full of spirit.  My. mind. was. blown! 

 Today Thorn Coyle brought up committing to spreading love and choosing to love even in the face of hatred and strife.  Thorn expands the idea of love to include the just causes that we are passionate about.  What do you stand for?  How to you make love more abundant in the world?  Through this we heal ourselves and each other.

I am so happy to have this lesson come up for me, be illustrated several ways, and I waas even be given opportunities to practice what I am learning this week.  It is so much easier to integrate lasting, deep change when we are conscious enough to see the lesson being taught.  I give credit to the meditation I have been slogging through daily.  Cheers!

Maggi does Hot Yoga with Dancing Ganesha

I had a wonderful day yesterday.  I struggled through meditation like usual.  Then I got a good 3 year review at work that included a raise.  After work I rushed to Garden State Yoga to try a Hot Yoga class.

It was awesome!

I've tried yoga a class or book here or there, but never gotten deep into it.  I'm flexible and pretty strong so I take to it, but have never delved into the practice seriously.  I expected a Hot Yoga class to be all physical, with no attention paid to the spiritual.  Man, I was so wrong!  The teacher has a greater body awareness than I have a vocabulary for.  We did mudras, affirmations, and the breath-work required in the class was extensive.  At one point, the painful heart ache I've been suffering with cleared.  My chest opened up and my heart chakra opened and flowed.  I cried.   Yup, I cried in class.  I was happy to and was smiling too.

Most surprising of all was I kept having visions of Ganesha doing Yoga with me.  He was dancing and happy and fully of joy.  I've never had an experiences with any God of the Hindu pantheon so that was interesting to note too.  Does Ganesha just love yoga?  or was he specifically coming to me to help me right now?  I don't know.  I want to honor him for the joy he poured over everything during class too.

With that, I decided yesterday that I'm going to start offering public ritual again.  I'll be leading a Full Moon at Mystic Spirit on 8/20.  It feels good to be back.  Blessed be!

All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals

Most people that know me know that I'm an overachiever, wound pretty tightly, and am my worst critic (read- perfectionist).  None of this is a surprise.  Most of my lessons this year have been about acceptance, peace, finding and maintaining happiness, having faith in myself, my Gods, and my ability to lead myself toward where I need to be, and the release of fear and the ego. 

Today I was thinking back on Eckert Tolle's words in A New Earth.   I know I've mentioned this book before, but I can't speak highly enough about how transformative it has been for me.  In the chapter I was thinking about, he talks about how in a professional session with a client, he witnesses a great releasing of his client's ego.  She had an enormous amount of pain that had been weighing on her for years melt off of her.  Tolle stayed present and mindful, and witnessed this healing unfolding in his client.  Afterwards he went to a restaurant for lunch.  Because he was buzzing at such a high frequency after having witnessed the release of the pain this woman had been holding onto, his presence activated the egoic pain in others that were in the restaurant, irritating people to act in their worse.  This ended with one person, who's egoic pain attachments had reacted the baddest actually got thrown out of the restaurant for being rude and disruptive.  Another person asked Tolle if Tolle had somehow caused this chain of events to happen.  Tolle did feel that his energetic state has been the impetus for the other person's egoic pain to be activated. 

This story lead me to an interesting dialog with myself.  Right now I am starting to study the Course of Miracles as well as off shoot books such from authors such as Marianne Williamson and Gabrielle Bernstein.  Today I was reading about making a commitment to constant happiness and peace in Spirit Junkie.  This philosophy teaches that none of us are separate and that God's love and forgiveness is the real path to peace, awareness, and happiness.  My work on happiness and forgiveness has given me a lot of healing so far in the past couple of months.  However, I have found that this is not always the case when I try to share my revelations with others.  I have found that sometimes, when I share my pride in my progress, happiness, or loving acceptance of myself, that some have responded with the rejection of my ideas.  It seems that their egos respond with fear, trying to reactive the pain and separation in my ego. 

I am concerned that to some extent I will have to hide my actual experiences, and only share my state of mind so that I don't set loved one's off in their egoic response.  To some extent, this feels more separating and scary.  Am I rejecting my loved ones then? Or is this response instead, about me being accepting and patient, and committed to my path, my connection to spirit so that other's egos don't drag me back down into fear and pain? 

I could tie myself in knots over-thinking this!  So, instead, I will have Gabrielle Bernstein remind me how to respond with her video blog entry:  when-someone-doesnt-support-your-spiritual-path vlog

Also, "all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals"
"and I am that which is attained at the end of desire"

When we no longer struggle anymore.  We find peace.  I think a coven named "The Coven of Never ending Happiness" sounds like a good name.  What about the "Circle of the End of Desire"?  How committed are you to Happiness every day?

Carry On...

Happiness and Purpose -Your Personal Sun

So much of magickal work is about doing the work that you were put in this time and place to do.  Having a sense of purpose, your core, the Sun of yourself, helps you not only know where you belong and what you stand for, but in fact it will make you happier and healthier.
This article is actually about how happiness for a cause greater than you is so beneficial,

Eudaimonic well-being is a kind of happiness that comes not from consuming something but from a sustained effort at working toward something bigger than you. In other words, it's working toward a sense of meaning in your life or contributing to some kind of cause. Think of the happiness you see on the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa's face.

Read more here...

The funny thing about magickal work sometimes, is that conscious, purposeful personal evolution requires us to be willing to turn away from that which makes us most happy in the moment.  This year, I am in the process of rediscovering and redefining internal dialog, perspective on Truth, how I move in the world, and my connection to greater purpose.  It's really not surprising that this would be a part of my work during Pluto transit my Natal Mercury last year and this year. This year I pulled away from security of the group I'd been a member of since I was 19.  It required me to take a step back and look at my assumptions about people and my place.

This doesn't mean that the year has been fallow, however.  In fact, I've made had some auspicious mile-markers of progress.  The one that is the most thrilling for me right now, is Portal Magazine of the Magicka School, feature an article I wrote, "Know Thyself, A Time Honored Tradition".  As a second perk, I've got my mug on the cover too!  I was joking with my Mom that I'm a cover girl now.  But seriously, it was great to have Portal reach out to me to write and recognize the dedication I've been putting into my writing.  You can purchase a print copy of the magazine here.  

The Marcus Katz of the  Magicka School also featured an incredible review of my book, Ecstasy in Shadows in the Magicka School's newsletter, the Noviciate.  You can subscribe to their newsletter here with a free basic membership.  Here's the review:
 

"The Moon never loses her memory," writes Maggi Setti in her personal journal-book, Ecstasy in Shadow (2010). A candid account of an initiatory phase of her life, the book charts the progress of a 'Pluto conjunction', a powerful astrological event in one's chart.

In weaving together personal memories of the time, poetry, and providing a kabbalistic end-piece considering the event as a passage of the 27th Path, Maggi shows us how we can create meaning in turbulent times, and discover myth in everyday or extraordinary life.

This is an unusually open and frank journal of a woman's life, love and rituals, and is a model of excellent magical journalling. Whether observing the weather, recounting a ritual, creating poetry, or musing on the Tarot, Maggi provides a tapestry of magical life.

Her teacher at one point tells her that "the good news is that you're going to survive", and in this we understand the plight of Persephone in the Underworld. Can we believe the struggle is worth the light? In Ecstasy in Shadow, it would appear so.

"The good thing about consciously trying to change and not giving up is that you will change."

 Finally, in news that's been crossing my little Raven's writing desk, here is a link to a podcast from Lighthaven, a great school in NC.  The podcast features teachers and friends; T. Thorn Coyle, Ivo Dominguez Jr., Michael Smith, Aeptha, and Katrina Messenger.  These podcasts feature a lot of great information about the metaphysical and occult subjects related with the Sun.  Want to know the magickal significance of Litha beyond the somewhat removed agricultural folk practices?  Here ya go!  We are One with the Sun Podcast.  I hope you find it en-lighten-ing.

Happy Lammas!  May your chosen sacrifices bring life to that under your wing.    Blessings.

Hot Friday Night!

So I'm jazzed about my plans for this evening.  I'm going to a Sahaja meditation class that is a couple blocks from my house and even better, free! The way its described is like any other meditation class, but includes chakra work, so I think I'll enjoy it.  It will at least be a way to meet a few people and add something "formal" to my meditation practice. 

My plans had unexpectedly cancelled for Friday night, so instead of being bummed, I took it as an opportunity to take this class which had been on the radar for over a month.  Wish me luck!

Circle of Thanks

So the internal alchemy continues, with gratitude. 

I start my day, in the East
Giving thanks to the rising Sun.
and the Promise of Day

In the South I Hail unto triumphing Beauty
The Sun in its height of power in the mid heaven,
bestowing energy upon my toils.

At the closing of the day, the setting sun sinks to the western twilight, blazing and I, cloistered to my home, sink back into the arms of Dream. with Gratitude and Thanks At the abodes of evening, and the moon boat glides silently across its starry sea and Kephera silently leads me return to the midnight north, in the cycles of my forefathers, and that of my descendants, yet to be dreamed in earthly form. Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.    Blessed be.

So in those weird moments where I succumb to the greater over-culture, I do things like buy lipstick.  I hate wearing lipstick.  I can't ever seem to get it even, then it smears everywhere, and it tastes bad.  Its not my thing.  So I wind up accumulating all this lipstick that over the years I hardly ever use.  But, I've found a solution!  Lipstick are just mirror crayons for writing affirmations, bind runs, and drawing doodles that make me smile and remember to set my mind purposefully throughout my day.  The side benefit is I'm now using the lipstick for a purpose, instead of it sitting there, being wasted. 

My house is starting to have the feel and character I want it too.  (It only took 7 months after moving in!)  So the picture above is my dresser and personal altar, with lovely black gladiolus that didn't make it through the thunderstorms we've had this week.  They seem like such a luxury item, very chick.  I think I'm going to order another 50 bulbs for next year. 

* Poem inspired by Aleister Crowley's Liber Resh vel Helios

On a Roll

My increased frequency in blog posts was an effort to get me back into the practice of writing.  Apparently it worked.  This weekend I wrote 3,000 words and made some new headway into my book. 

Also, as I mentioned on Facebook, I am have the featured article in this quarter's Portal Magazine.  I'm also on the cover.  Of course, this means my mom had to have a copy as I am now a "cover girl!"  You can order a print copy at http://www.lulu.com/shop/marcus-katz/the-portal-issue-2/paperback/product-21078303.html

Or you can get a membership to all of their offerings on their website at www.magickaschool.com. 

I'm really hoping to keep chipping away at it until I see this project to completion.

I'm also reading books with others in a Spirituality focused book study group.  This month's book is Tending the Earth, Mending the Spirit: The Healing Gifts of Gardening by Connie Goldman and Richard Mahler.  Reading this book has kept me thinking about my garden and I even have to water my flowers before I can sit down to read.  I jokingly told Craig yesterday that I must be Hermione, needing homework assignments to keep me going, but either way, its good to have things to look forward to.

Blessings!

Forgiveness

My big word in December was compassion. I started doing healing heart work.  Then everything fell apart into an apocalyptic darkness of anger, fear, blame and chaotic upheaval.  All of that ended, thank goodness.

Now, my big word is forgiveness, my mother might say that my word should be folding, (the only household chore I detest), however, that is not my word--it's forgiveness.  Our counselor said that he had a certification in forgiveness and my internal response was, "is this wanker for real?!?"  I'm really glad that comment stayed internally in my head and I didn't share out loud.  So, fast forward through the negativity, the snarky sarcasm, and the pain...  I read Forgive for Love by Peter Lustin.  It is an incredible book based on real scientific research rather than New Agey aphorisms.  It helped, the process is hard.  I need to read the book again, already.

Then A New Earth by Eckert Tolle was recommended by my friend Cecile.  It had some really interesting things to say about the ego, acceptance, observation, and more.  Then I got it into my head that I needed to start studying the Course in Miracles, which is all about the ego and forgiveness.  I am reading ancillary books like Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein, and even plan on attending some of her workshops.  Her next one that I'm attending is in Montauk on August 5th.  http://gabbyb.tv/spirit-junkie-sati-at-surf-lodge.  I'm really looking forward to a special day by the sea. 

So this week I got to the chapter on forgiveness in Spirit Junkie, and I got stuck.  It is a difficult process.  How the author did it was got on her knees and kept praying.  I have been on my knees sanding and weeding, but not praying so much.  I'm going to do a lot more praying.  I struggled, I complained, I cried, then finally a read a phrase that made the tension release for a moment:  loving truth.  Gabrielle speaks about how the pain and hurt from holding the grudge and maintaining the refusal for forgiveness amplified the illusion of separation and encouraged her own internal darkness, not allowing for her loving truth to shine through.  Agog! 

The stillness, solace, and quiet I experienced in seperating myself from the environment I had grown so attached made so much of what I was experiencing seem mad and useless.  The focus had been on the ego's need to be right.  Phrases like "owning your part", "taking responsibility for your contribution", and "being able to hear others' hard truths", had been paramount in this process.  The phrase "loving truth" made the phrase "hard truth" so much more absurd.  My therapist kept reitterating that its not about blame and not about what you should do.  It's about what you are doing and focusing on the present moment, not judging, or obsessing about the past, or what anyone else is doing, but what you can do.  The only thing you can control is yourself, and that is only in part. 

Merciful, beneficent king, show us your ways of loving kindness, acceptance, forgiveness, and joy.  May the blue light of your sphere bring us peace.  Hail Chesed.

the Tides of Wyrd

I just realized that the dreams  I've been having lately are about being in the process of the tides of my wyrd changing.  Wyrd is the tapestry of your actions through time, the weaving of your karma, per say.  (It's a little more complicated than that, but that will suit our purposes for this post).  So, my dreams include me donning leather armor and taking charge during an Apocalypse and helping and rescuing people, and my cats.  ;-)  I've had other dreams, a lot of them, about driving, paddling, biking, and swimming through new territories or across bridges.  In another dream, that was part of a reoccurring theme, I was able to ascend a staircase I had never completed before.  I am not afraid in these dreams.  I am also not looking for help, but doing what is my responsibility, charge, right, and ability to do. 

I realized that in fact, the actual tides of my life are changing in a turbulent, watery way.  The pull will flow in a different way and what was will fall away to what will become. 

We live in interesting times. 

at the end of desire

The first thing I memorized when I decided to try Wicca was the last few verses of the Charge of the Goddess.

--For if that which you seek you do not find within, you will never find without.  For I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire. 

Being a very ambitious person, these words rang true as very wise and pertinent.  Those words ring in my ears often.  They are my constant reminding teaching of where to look for that which I need to seek.

I made a couple of critical mistakes when I took the oaths to start a coven in 2011.  I felt pressured that I was unable to start my family as well as a coven and shouldn't try.  I complied, being a person obsessed  with outside approval and acceptance--anything to make others in positions of authority satisfied and praise me.  In order to ignore the alarm of my biological clock, as well as the spirit voice of my unborn child, I banished the spirit and cut myself off from communication from my Higher Self.  Those voices were a nag, and I cut them off.  The problem was, when you cut yourself off from any part of you, you either suffer soul loss, or that part of you creates a tension that show us as imbalance in all of your life.  

I knew it was bad.  I knew it was bad with tears streaming down my face during the singing of a chant about Love led by Katrina Messenger.  I knew it was bad kneeling at Hecate's feet, afraid to look at my potential and my future that awaited me.  I knew it was bad when I started to become more anxious and my Middle Self took more control.  

Now I know that I don't have to wait for things to right themselves again.  This harvest year, is that of integration, listening to all parts of myself, and of love and acceptance, forgiveness, and joy.  

One breath at a time.  The pulsing of the eternal now.  Blessed be.

Great Expectations - our Temple project

Through the dust:  Sanding the wall.

So my remodeling project of my temple space continues.  In June I tore down old linoleum (read circa 1945), and pulled cork boards and mirror tile off the wall circa 1967.  Starting in July I have started sanding the walls to remove and smooth the adhesive from the cork board.  This weekend I'll be cleaning, priming, and painting the two small walls.

I also need to prime a portion of the floor which will have the floor boards painted dark brown, and finally order the carpet tiles.

Craig and I are renting this place and I've found some responses from friends that don't understand why we are sinking money into a house we don't own.  I am really going to get a lot of enjoyment out of the space once we finish the work.  All of the work will take less than $500 to complete.  We will not be in the position to buy for many years.  Is it all that odd that we will spend a little money for something that will give us lots of enjoyment?

the color I'm planning to pain the accent walls.

I have spent a lot of time day dreaming and planning out this space.  This space was one of the main reasons we wanted this house since we do so much group ritual and ritual work.  I have been collecting photos for my ideas on my Pinterest, which you can find here:  Ravencroft Temple Room Pin Board.

I've been doing a lot of reading, thinking, and meditating on mindfulness this year.  One of the key proponents of Buddist mindfulness meditation is that you have to invite the stillness into your home.  Many do this with a spot, or dedicated room if you are so luck to have an altar for honoring listening, stillness, and peace.  This will be my peaceful retreat, my haven.  I'm getting antsy to go ahead and get it done with so it can stop being so dirty and dusty and start being wonderful!

Blessed be.

Purify and Protect

Leave your fear at the doorstep and I will sweep it away.  Purify yourself, and dedicate yourself, now free of your burdens that you will be able to do your True Work. 

Merry Meet.

Impermanence

Today was so different than yesterday I am blessed for living through the day.  Yesterday  I struggled with mistakes in my work in my job and fretted over separation and loneliness.  I was miserable and angry.  It took me a very long time to sleep. 

I dreamt about a boy I knew in High School that died from leukemia before he graduated.  He and I walked through dangerous city blocks together, to go from working back to home.

Today, I have returned home.  Today I am still. Work was successful and fulfilling.  I am satisfied in the still, balmy summer evening.  My thoughts are at peace and I can exhale. 

I look forward to returning to my dreams tonight.  The sun's path grows dark and the moons path takes up the baton and I glide in the moon boat, down the river, and toward the safe harbor of the saltybay. 

Breaking the Silence

I've always been really vocal about things that many people shy away from.  I believe that if we keep the things we struggle with to ourselves we can't get help.  Maybe even more importantly if we are silent, others going through the same struggle may feel they are totally isolated and have nowhere to turn.

I've always been forthright about my struggles with Seasonal Affective Depression.  I've also freely admitted to being a wee bit high strung (understatement) and a perfectionist.  This March, due to a lot of external stressors that built up, they became the straw that broke the camel's back.  The Hebrew letter Gimel comes to mind.  So, in that vein, I had a major lesson to learn, and from that, later plan on repeaping the just reward from that hard earned lesson.

In a moment of hopelessness, I let the depression get the better of me and became suicidal.  However, in the hours that followed, I also had a moment of clarity where I felt there was too much potential for myself and my future to give up, and I realized I needed help.  After 3 days in the hospital I plunged back into the world.  Those days were the most real days  I have maybe ever experienced.  I made one promise at Ostara, to clean up my life.

Now, 4 months later, 4 med changes later, 4 psychiatrists, 3 social works, nurses, and a wonderful psychologist helping out, I am wondering about the future.  My relationships with lovers, my parents, sisters, and friends have changed.  I left the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel, which for all extents and purposes had been the home I had grown up in.  I no longer am a member of a coven for the first time since I was 19.  Yet, I have not lost my faith, my skills, my relationships with my Gods.

Now I have a deeper lesson to learn of patience, courage, and steadfastness.  This process cannot be rushed; not through loneliness, frustration, or sheer force.  I find my life, quiet, open, and free.  There is stillness in this waiting.  It is not inaction, but shift from one stage to another--a metamorphosis.

I wonder if all of this is necessary for all life stage transitions.  Is the lessons after achieving the degree of High Priestess, Black Belt, graduate degrees, etc. all about the solitary journey of become one's one master and teaching from within?  Time will tell....

Praise for Advanced Planetary Magick - Jason Miller

I hope you had a good Independence Day holiday, for those of you in the US.  I sure did.  It was much needed downtime that I spent cleaning and organizing from my move beginning of the year. Mostly I was just relaxing with the hubby and the cats and hiding from the boiling heat outside!

I also got the chance to read a handful of books.  The most notable, was the e-chapbook, Advanced Planetary Magick by Jason Miller.  You can find a link to it here:  http://www.inominandum.com/blog/advanced-planetary-magic-now-for-sale/  This book is a little gem of a piece that instead of calling itself advanced and then going over the same old intro stuff, skips the intro stuff and goes into the nuts and bolts of doing planetary magick, sigils, the kamea, so on.  Jason adds in lots of references as he writes, so that you know which classic texts and systems to which he's referring.  (I have to say that not using references is my ultimate pet peeThree Books of Occult Philosophy (De Occulta Philosophia libri III). 
ve with Paganism).  So, you can go into the references and read up with the classics we all should have in our libraries, such as the

He explains the planetary hours and the nature of each of the planets.  If you aren't in the mood to calculate planetary hours, there are great planetary hour apps.  I use the Magickal Clock, written by my good friend Mark Pemburn.  https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/magickal-clock/id417133252?mt=8 

The final portion of the books has 49 invocations for the planets and their cross planetary correspondences.  Starting today Jason, and others who have bought his book will be invoking these energies on their corresponding hours for 49 days.  I'm looking forward to it.  Hope you will too.  Let me know how it goes!

Crystalization

Isn't it funny how you can be presented with the same old information for the upteenth time and suddenly-KABAM! Something precipitates and comes together in a way that hadn't before. 

Today I was slogging along through an enormous amount of work, and the personal process I'd been working on shot foreward into my consciousness with a new perspective.  Suddenly, although I can't say I have any new ideas, there seems to be a resolution where I can start the trek forward.  The new moon is shining in my soul.

Blessed be!

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for that fabulous feeling of not being sick.  You don't realize how great feeling "okay" is until right after you've really been sick for a few days.  I had a cold that turned south last week, leaving me with cold sweats, memory loss, dizziness, aches, you name it.  After antibiotics and sleeping all weekend I'm feeling not even 100%, but it still feels like a million bucks!

We don't excell without challenge, without some pain and suffering.  Only through a little bit of discomfort can we grow.  We don't recognize good, untill it is either really bad, or we have been through some pain to get there.

Is life butterflies and rainbows? Sometimes, then again, without some storms, we don't get rainbows. So, let's toast to the storms and the following rainbows. :-)