Thursday, December 17, 2009

And on that note

Here's another post about the same thing I was just talking about. Why is it on days like this we feel like we're being talked to personally?

Integration of Parts of Self

One of the main goals of the practitioner is awareness, control, and integration of the different parts of self. There are several categories these can follow such as:

Thorn Coyle uses: Sticky One, Shining Body, and Sacred Dove
Reclaiming: Younger Self, Talking Self, and Higher Self
Hebrew: Nefesh, Ruach, Neshama, Chaya, Yechida
SOL: Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual (planes of existence)
Elemental: Body, Mind, Heart, Soul, and Spirit.

Whatever the names or the exact system, all of these are focused on harmonizing and integrating, becoming aware, and living in a conscious, fluid, and healthy way. The balancing and healing of those parts allow one to reach further through the planes, live more successfully and healthily and evolve on our spiritual path.

Often one reads of awakening into magickal existence or full living. For me, I sought for many years on a hope, a dream, a wish that there was something more. As my practice broadened and deepened, like a flower opening, existence did the same. There was so much more to be aware of, to learn, to celebrate, share, and work toward.

One thing I have struggled with is letting my conscious self let go in order to let my younger self and higher self take the reins. Last night I found some success with that endeavor. Through music, dancing, art making, journaling, and scrying I engaged the flow of life. The message bubbling up kept urging me "Let go, trust, have faith!"

I stand at the beginning, of a life of so much more engagement. All I have to do, is refuse to shut myself off from it. Yes, it is scary. Yes I risk failure, and yet, if I listen to those other parts of me, there is no risk for it cannot fail.

Even in the still, coldness of winter is life, turning and yearning within the seeds in the ground. Within the DNA deep within the seeds of promise, I look to the future and will walk into my birthright.

Blessed be.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Growing pains?

There is an amazing thing about growth and the process of learning. It doesn't have to hurt or be uncomfortable. How often are we given advice by our elders, our loved ones, or even ourselves that we just don't know how to integrate and put into practice until we are ready? It seems so often that we are not ready for this act of integration until we have been exposed to the concept in several ways, hundreds of times, or over the years. I may never know what the catalyst is that finally precipitates into a new realization, but I have found that, thank the Gods I am learning faster and easier as time goes on.

I have not been suffering from SADD yet this year. I am not sure it is even luck. I have not had to sleep more often, change my diet into something that is ascetic, tasteless, and boring. I have not had to cancel activities. In fact, I'm enjoying the ramp up to Yule this year for the first time since I was a small child. It is not warmer, sunnier, nor do I have less stress in my life. I have found that lately, as I feel hopeless, alone, uncared-for, or down, that I have for the most part, been able to name that feeling "tired". Its okay to be sleepy or tired! Its okay to be emotionally weary for sure. When I have been able to pinpoint the nature of my feelings, it has been much easier to give myself a break and move through it. I accept and honor my feeling but not necessarily become servant to it not drop everything to cater to it.

Last night, after a very full day of meetings, socializing, planning, kids, and a completed sewing project, I found myself not hungry, nor lonely, nor bored, but just weepy and generally hormonal. My partner and I had a good time, watching a movie, but mainly talking and spending time together doing nothing. We talked about my feelings a bit, and I had the space to just exist in the feeling without having fear of it taking over, nor really needing to do anything about it. As I let the feeling expand, I realized that the discomfort was from only allowing myself to feel within my physical flesh boundaries. I expanded the feeling a couple of layers out. It started to feel better. I opened up a channel of my chakras and ran the feeling through me and out. I wasn't dispelling or dismissing the feeling, but letting it flow. My hormone level increased, my awareness increased, I felt weepy, but then I also felt tapped in. Much of my problems lately had been from squeezing too much into too small of a space. I am more than my physical form.

This may seem obvious to metaphyical minded folks, but to know it in my head, but then transferr it into energetic practice were two different things. Much like I have allowed myself to be in ritual, I began, in a mundane space, to exist as my magickal self; integrated, connected, flowing, larger, more powerful.

This idea connected to something bothering me in my work life. People who know me personally see me as driven, assertive, and sometimes as a dominate personality or a hot head, and yet at work, I am seen as submissive, eager to please, easy going, and laid back. I feel shy often at work and in personal settings have felt less and less shy or inhibited. Like an insect that has to break open its skin to grow, I have been wearing armor that has been too tight, unyeilding, and unflexible. Impervious yes, but not dynamic nor adaptive.

Today, at first I still felt melancholy, but as I woke up and began to act in my world, I realized that indeed more of me was active and flowing. I remembered my experience in Binah, and recalled holding the Pearl of my dreams for this lifetime. I had more time in the morning to acomplish things. I felt empowered to do what was needed in my day and less concerned with the inequities of my job environment or the world.

Grace. Ah, yes. I drove past a bald eagle and felt as if it was aknowledging me eye to eye. I felt no fear today, nor pain. The frustration of the year of challenges was finally starting to settle in. I was starting to master within myself new ways to approach and use my own energetic fields.

The Empress, Strength, and Temperance.

Carry on.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

SADD and turning inward

I have tried light therapy as well as taking a lot of vitamin D. Nothing seemsto help. Studies show that light therapy is supposed to do wonders.
What does help is letting myself sleep as much as possible, and taking it reallyeasy, almost like you would when your emotions are raw from PMS. The more Ialign myself with introspection, creativity and rest during the dark part of theyear, the easier it is for me. I gain a little bit of weight every winter anddon't worry about it. I am starting to think that it is not something wrongwith me, but my body screaming at me to slow down, WAY down in the winter. Idon't feel bad about pushing harder in the summer months that way either.I'm also lucky that my current job is very busy in the summer (May throughSeptember) and really slow November through April. I felt bad last year for notwanting to work in the winter months, this year I feel like I earn my due in thesummer and now can spend more mental time on me at work. I feel like this setup was a syncronistic personal blessing!
As within so without, as above so below but in a different manner. The worlddoes reflect how we should live in harmony with its cycles. Sleeping extrameans that you allow your younger self and higher self more time in control. Insuch states you actually are letting your other parts of self shine through andcommunicate with you. If its all go go go all the time, we subvert the shadowand subvert the child self and cut ourselves off from our power as whole,healthy beings. Winter is a convenient time for me to tap into that, just likethe core of sap of a tree, down and within is wisdom as well, waiting to betapped, so that like a maple tree, we can taste the sweet syrup in the spring.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Samhain Harvesting

I start looking at the year's work at Lammas and Mabon. At that point I am taking an accounting of what was accomplished and what I was happy with. I'm also looking at what isn't finished or not quite good enough. My goal is to complete that year's work cycle by Samhain. In forlkore tradition, it is customary to leave anything that had not been harvested in the fields to the spirits and to rot. The idea was that it was no longer yours to have after Samhain and the veils thinned. What was left was for the Landvaettir, the Ancestors, and the creatures of the Wild Hunt. You wouldn't want to eat food that had had the energy taken from it by another being. The food itself would not nourish you or could make you sick. Folklore aside, I deal with SADD every year so its helpful for me to wind things down and focus on myself inwardly and my family for the winter months.

Between Samhain and Yule, I follow the Celtic idea that there is a space of time between Samhain and Yule that is not of the year and is an underworld and othertime space. December really is culturally for the US a crazy time of overboard feasting, but also a time of family and joy so between Samhain and Yule, I do a lot of cooking, journaling, review how things went, give thanks for what was a success and for all the blessings in my life, then dream, rest, and plan for the new cycle to come. I also work with the Morrigan during the winter months to help cull away and clean house per say in order to make room for new things to grow. Brigid looks over my kitchen, keeping my family nourished and comforted and safe. The Morrigan help my internal struggles with the season and both temper and form the sword within me so that I can be a more effective tool of the Divine in the year to come. Finally I look to Freyja to oversee my relationship with my partner that we can be a healthy, loving team.

Mark, author of, mentioned that he just found out that leaves don't fall off trees, the trees push the leaves off this time of year. What do you want to push out or set free? What can be a joyous outward sharing to the world in brillant color so that you can peacefully turn inward in the months to come?


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The 23rd Path

Last night I had a dream that I, as Hod was having a debate, or trying to have a debate, with Geburah. I was walking back and forth the 23rd path, pontificating on the aspects and qualities of both spheres and the relationship between the two. This was somehow mediated by Tiphereth or else I mentioned that it should be mediated.

So, this morning I looked up which card relates to the 23rd path. The Hanged Man.


----> which means I need to insert here that the Rune study group met at the house last night, I chatted with them a bit. Listened in a bit. I also helped someone fix a couple of the runes in their rune set with a bit of corrective paint.

Why does He (he meaning Odin) have to be such a pain in the neck? So much for a break, and I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight.


It also occured to me that I have almost nothing to do all of November. I plan on reading, painting, journaling and doing personal ritual. Emphasis on the painting. It will be neat to see what comes of it.
*Orryelle Defenestrate-Bascule as the Hanged Man and Bird-Masks of Maat on the Tree of Life in Pentagrammaton (photo by Ben Last)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Admist the activity is a heart and soul of art

I live in one of the most stressful regions of the country, and yet it is also the Art Capital of the world. Here I am, artist by name, insurance agent by profession, and by practice a witch. I'm the busiest I've ever been. Yesterday in the mail I got a copy of the Pratt Institute's catalog. I am afraid to look within at the amazing layouts of art in process.

I just read a blog post from Lauren Raine. A goddess woman and artist whom I look up to. art is fabulous and her commentary suddenly slammed me back into my artist self.

Art was a part of my magick, part of my magickal process and journey. It was tied to it all and how I communed with my Muses and Gods. Something happened in undergrad as art became critiqued asignments and one more way to excell. I became cut off from my artist and depressed. Since college I have struggled with the practice and the "whys" of art.

I had a beautiful dream last night of looking into a stone surrounded well or pool of purple water with white lotuses floating in it. It would make a perfect painting. It would be good to go into the regions of my younger self, the below, the underworld to commune in that place. What right to I have not to share that?

Art can create beauty, evoke inspiration, peace, hope. One of my favorite paintings is one in the National Museum called hope. There is a woman in a voluminous gown and the dawn in bright pink hues behind her. She is my Dawn Messenger of Hope.

If I connect with God it is not about approval, critiquing, or what society has to say about it. There is nothing too personal, to private, to magickal or sacred to share. It is my duty to share these images.

There is the yellow brick road gleaming ahead of me. The sun has arisen and I will never turn away from it. There is as much change as I will allow.

To be continued...

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

from out of nothing, comes something new.

In the past couple of months I've been going through major change. My psychic vision and awareness is expanding. My understanding of topics I have been reading about for 15 years is shifting and changing. My concept of self, other people, communication, and my emotional reactions to interpersonal dynamics are all shifting, morphing, redefining.

The other day I made a connection between the singular lifeforce of astrological signs in connection with some of the same ways one might work with an angel or archangel. When the thought occurred to me, I heard a noise like medium sized brass instruments, colors around me got wonky, and the floor felt like it was tilting out from under me. The air got heavy and static charged and I felt as if I had phased out a bit.

I integrated another idea the other day that one can tap into the energetic fields of a person through electronic media and written text. I like the idea and had been testing it for several weeks. When I finally integrated it though, reading the book I was looking at was like listening to a hologram of the person. I was also able to tap into the images in their head that inspired them to describe the situation they way they did. I was using the text as a gateway into learning directly from the author. The shift of color, sound, light, and the floor happened again. My transpersonal chakra was wide open. HOLY CRAP!

Right now I'm playing around with the idea that this experience is similar to opening a zip file and dowloading a much larger set of data from the initial click on an icon. I'm not sure why or how, but I it is very interesting.

As another aside, City Fae beings are much different from the ones that live in the country and green areas. Without contact with healthy land spirits, I'm not sure what they live off of. That's not a fun train of thought if you take it very far....

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Hecate sends me to the Harvest

I worry for some of my friends, the self-flaggelating, doubtful, the place of fear from which they start every day. I know its my duty to help them pass through this fear. In ritual recently the Goddess Hecate gave me an athame and a bolene. I gave myself a new athame to work with Hecate. My small antlered handled knapped stone athame just wasn't feeling appropriate. This new athame though is a real weapon. The moment I put it in my hand, I recognized that I could easily kill with it. Something in my head shifted, I was warrior and witch and this was a magickal weapon that I knew how do use on several levels. Oh, I get it. . . Oooooh!

I think back on the women's self-defense classes I assisted with and remember how changed the women were after that class. I think back on new witches learning new skills and feeling for the first time their magick affecting other people and the space around them.
I think about discoveries and new definitions found within women's sacred spaces. I cannot be too busy for this work. It is my path and my responsibility for having those skills. With Hecate's torch, hounds, and sharp dagger by my side, I look into the darkness. I feel the rolling, worried clouds, the wet blankets of autumn, and the bonefires yet to come in the darkness. There is a cauldron waiting for me in that darkness. I do not fear this step for it is not death, but transformation waiting on the other side of the threshold. Eyes and teeth gleam in the darkness, reflecting that torch. I am full of life and am looking forward to this grand harvest. Blessed be.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Struggle of Daily Practice

One of my downfalls is not having a daily practice. I know its good for me, I know I should do it, just like going to the gym. I have weekly practices, but not daily ones. I've been aware of needing to do this since I first started on the path and probably before it as I tried a yoga practice several times before I was pagan. It is so hard to spend time, that is just on me.

I was driving to work this morning feeling better good. I listened to the remake of Missing you by Puff Daddy and Faith Hill (or should I say P Diddy?). Anyway, the lyric was "every single day, every time I pray, I'll be missing you".

It occured to me that this year, because of all the changes
I've gone through and the studying I've done, my entire world view, has, yet again, changed. The Qabala has been instrumental for me to have a multifaceted viewpoint of God in many forms. It was a missing link to help me get
away from God the Father and integrate polythesim
into how I believe the universe and astronomy works.

What the song made me think of specifically was that when we pray, we connect to our higher selves and therefore, are more in tune when our Will. The aspecting I have done in the past couple of years have helped me form a more powerful enegetic channel with my waking self and my higher self. I thought a bit about that connection, and would you know what? The cramp in my neck started to ease. I need daily practice. It will give me strength, more stability, focus, and purpose. It will help me energetically take care of myself and not automatically turn toward subconscious habits that may nor may not serve my Will.

I guess it was this Spring, that my HP asked me what would happen if I left my subconscious, waking self, programs off in the morning and allowed my younger self more say, control, and expression. I have thought about those words a lot in the past months. It was one of the main things that is leading me to get my graduate degree so I don't always have to drag myself out of bed to go to work. That is wasted energy.

Now I finally understand who daily practice is for and what it will accomplish and I know I'll be able to see results now. Yes, getting up early will be difficult, but it will be worth it as I want to walk in the world as a guided, enlightened, whole, integrated, unified person with a cohesive Will.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Shadow Work

I read a rant this morning on shadow work, something that I consider one of the deepest, most honest, and sometimes scariest practices a witch can engage in. My favorite quote from Thorn Coyle, quoting Victor Anderson is “Anything worthwhile is dangerous.” She goes on to explain that when something really matters to you, there is risk involved. Risk that you might fail, risk that you might change and in that, bear the death of the parts of your old self and old paradigms.

I think quite often as things go into the public or popular realm they are watered down, misunderstood, and misused. To me, shadow work isn't about positive and negative pieces of ourselves and dealing with parts of ourselves that we don't like. It is about learning to understand where are reactions and predilections come from. Its understanding our fears. Its understanding our coping mechanisms. It is unburying our power that we hid from ourselves in our subconscious through suppression.

For example, in my family growing up, sex was considered bad, bad, taboo, and unspeakable... For a long while I tried to be a good Christian and subvert earthly desire. Later, when I grew up and decided that was an unhealthy attitude toward sex, it took years of working through guilt to be able to be comfortable with a very natural process. As I have gained more comfort and acceptance of my sex drive and sexual expression and identification I have become healthier, happier, braver, and sexier. Through setting something free that had been trapped in guilt and suppression I found personal power.

Shadow work was not always called shadow work, but it is much older than Wicca. All strains of the Western Magickal tradition use shadow work on some level. It is also what was refered to in the late 1800's as dark or black magick because it was hidden. The themes are there before the pop-psychology terms were overlaid on them. Even in the goetia, the magician is told to know all parts of himself so that he knows his weaknesses and can better protect himself against spirits that would seek to use those weaknesses against him.

It is a commonly held idea that power is kept in the shadow or the underworld. Dark of the moon. That which is hidden, that which isn’t obvious and in the light of day. Have you ever had your vision taken from you for a while and thrown into complete darkness? After a while, you will start to have visions. Very interesting that when we cannot see light, we start to see within. You tap into the otherworlds and the worlds within your being.

This year I have my Pluto conjunct my sun. Is this sounding familiar? My normal front-face personality (my sun) is walking in the realm underneath, the Underworld, the places normally void of light. My underworld is splayed open for all to see above the surface in the walking, waking, shining world. Yowzah! Yet, this has been a tool for change for me this year. I have become more actively aware of automatic decisions I make that I formed in childhood that may serve no purpose for me as an adult. Such defense mechanisms were useful to me as a child when I couldn’t understand the pains in life and needed to move on, yet they have become limits to me now, limiting factors that tell me what is possible in my life and what I will not allow myself to do and to grow and make change in my world.

The more we become aware of our psychology, the more we are able to decide consciously the decisions we make. I for one enjoy when I am able to control my interactions, my reactions and my emotions for my usage rather than be a victim and controlled by the tides of my emotions, unawares and at its mercy. The stronger we are able to harness our emotions, the greater control of energy, power, and magick we will gain.

Why is all of this so scary? If you have to deal with personal truths that you hold self-evident than are in fact, faulty and harmfull, it is traumatic! It hurts to have to remember traumas of the past and reinterpret them, embrace them, and learn from them in a new way while not falling into your old comfortable patterns. Isn’t it easier to just try to make everything okay and just try to be happy all the time? I find that when I try this, it is at my weak moments that I fall into depression. It is when the lights are out, it is cold, and I am alone that suddenly, I don’t know where to turn. The sun within, hidden, yet always shining must be strong. In order to have a stable and strong handle on yourself, you have to work with all of your pieces in order to understand them, in this case, especially the pieces that aren’t so pretty and fun.

I’ve been having trouble remembering my dreams since my initiation. My initiation dredged up some stuff that I had been unaware of and at first, really resisted dealing with. This weekend, I relaxed enough and gave myself permission to do some dream work. Saturday afternoon, I opened up my my healer friend, she gave me a reading and started the energy work process to release some of the old energetic bodies I am holding within me. Sunday morning, I had quite the nightmare. In a way, it was upsetting, but not a nightmare at all. The Mother was with me in the dream, lovely pointing out to me that which I would rather keep forgotten. The next few months are going to be a lot of hard work. In some ways I am aware of the process. In other ways, I won’t know what the destination is until I get there. There is no way for me to control the destination and I have to have faith in the process.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Impetus for Change

Straining, struggling, building pressure,
can't even flutter in such a small space.
Heart beat quickens, heat increases,
Pushing against the barrieris of my skin my past,
the tower of my mind.
Soon, this barriers will be broken
an old shell to be discarded
and Wings spread to take flight.
But now, the energy builds
Damage to the weak point
persistance, panic,
great need to push forward,
push through

Changing form becoming new.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

First Harvest:

In a world where we go to the supermarket and can get any item at any time of the year, don’t grow our own food, and aren’t dependent of weather cycles (That is when it isn’t RAINING!), how does Lammas, the first harvest apply to us.

I look to the harvesting of my life. I use it as a goal post for what I have accomplished and how I’ve changed in the year. I have felt rushed, pushed, uncomfortable and itchy all year. I have stripped away dead skin, and continue to do so that I can grow into my new skin. I wasn’t sure if I had been successful this year, but from the following lists, it looks like I have been. Despite this list, I have felt like I have been in pain, stressed, sad sometimes, and unsure. It is an unease I have to live with, accept, and keep going. As I finish off the year, I hope that my relatively free schedule in November and December will help me find some resolution and peace.

Since Samhain of 2008:

I started teaching
I gave in to Odin to work consciously with him
I became a member of the council of the Fellowship
I became proficient in aspecting
I unbonded from the Windsword and joined Chalice of Living Stars
I rented out my house
I completed 2 roundtables and am working on a third
I survived a tulmultuous relationship with a woman
I survived a dark night of the soul
I deepened and committed my relationship with my partner.
I started doing work with the OTO. I hope by the end of the year to have initiated as Minerval
I started firetending
I did some major healing work and was able to help midwife my mother’s process
I got my 2nd degree initiation

I still have some processing to do and I know the solidifying process of my 2nd degree will continue. For the rest of the season I would like to:

Get my Minerval Degree
Continue firetending
Finish the Qabala series and Participate in a successful Climbing the Tree
Teach my Celtic Myth series again
Do some shadow work

Next Year my Goals:
Lead another roundtable: Astrology
Start teaching wicca 101
Go back to school, take 3 psych classes
Start doing something with women’s mysteries again
I’m still throwing around the possibility of picking up martial arts again

Qabalistic Troupers

I am so proud of my study group. Last night the sephorith we covered was Geburah, the little understood, unloved, sphere of ending and culling. Sigh. We had some amazing discussion and sharing. Sitting there at the table, we all peered at the strength card, the 5's of the minor arcana, the red pentagon of Mars. Our faces glowed from our red shirts. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, except maybe the dog. He was very concerned for us all. All in all, it was incredible. I am so proud of them for wanting to face themselves, their shadows, the challenges, and the Work.

Monday, August 3, 2009

So, I'm fooling around on facebook and I see a tarot reading app. Okie dokie I think. I click on it:

1. Context - Ace of Wands
2. Focus - Emperor
3. Outcome - Ace of Wands.

OWWWW!!!!! I wanted to post it to my profile and got an error, so I hit refresh.

1. Context - Hermit
2. Focus - Ace of Swords
3. Outcome - Star.

Moral of the story: Never play cards with Odin. OWWWW.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Havin a Hod

Last night I had a Hod Moment, not to be confused with a Mercury Retrograde moment which is Hod backwards or Doh!

I had done some cleaning and decorating, then was getting ready for bed. I turned out most of the lights, lite a couple of candles in the bedroom to alieviate the staleness in the air from the humidity. I lied down in bed and as my head went down, I saw a bright orange flash on my dresser out of the corner of my eye. It was a brilliant spark glowing and arresting my attention. So, I sat back up to figure out what it was and as my head was at the same level, there it was again! Then I realized its origin--a tiny piece of mexican fire opal that had come in the mail today that was the center piece of the Hod disk I made as part of my model of the tree of life.

What a difference a tiny stone makes. Spendor indeed! Oh that's why they call it "fire opal" WOW. The small wooden disk seemed enlivened to me.

Balance of Hod and Netzach indeed! This whole project of constructing this model has taught me so much. Smelling incense associated with each sphere, and connecting it to the stones and gems, and even painting the planetary sigils has been monumental in my connection with the Tree. I cannot explain in words how this process works, but this process of CM has been most rewarding and enlightening.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

27th Path

Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory. Falling on my head like a new emotion...

Prisons of the mind must be destroyed in order to set free the Grace of God and inspiring lighting flash of the universe-Yod. This year I have spent much of it, untethered to my normal foundations (and towers) of consciousness. I have felt alone, adrift in the darkeness. Yet, there is a light guiding my way, hail Yod. It is by this word/light that I find my way to Grace and to a new Knowing. It is by this path of Faith that I move forward, unblocked, set free, and flowing.

I have built this prison stone by stone, yet now it is shattered, Detritus at first pierces through me and I fear that I will be hurt or swept away. No longer is balance enough, now synthesis must flood through me.

If fear is seen as Pachad, then the quote "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." totally changes in meaning.

I look above at the sun. His Eye is both watching me and shining my way. I seek the point of the pyramid, for I can fly.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Gettin Wiggy with it

Well here I am. Waiting. I'm on day 3 of my fast and doing very well. I've been sick to my stomach for weeks so its felt really good to have a break. I even made dinner for Q. and the kids last night and didn't want to try anything. Last night Freya visited me. I did some shadow/mirror work. My weekend was visiting my Mother's side of the family with my mother. She processed a lot of things and needed me for support. I was really glad I had had breakthroughs this summer about emotional pain relating to my mother or I wouldn't have been able to support her through it. I feel empowered to not continue the cycle of emotionally neglectful mothers in my family. I'm going to do it better because I'm more healed, more aware, and am not afraid to change.

I looked through pictures of myself during the past 10 years. I am not that akward, haunted girl anymore. I am a woman in my own right. I am not even who I was 4 or 2 years ago. I'm greatful to Dave for giving me the safe haven to grow. I am greatful for Craig for firmly working me in his hands to stand up, face the monsters hiding in the shadows and process them. I am greatful for Freya for opening my heart to love and passion. Though I am not used to the woman I see in the mirror, I am glad to know she is there and am glad it is as her that I will walk through the rest of the days of this life, and not that confused little girl.

I feel like I'm having a coming out. Not of the closet, but of the traditional antibellum sort of where I have come of age and am now to be presented to the world. Is it late for that at 27? I don't know. That's okay though. I could have hidden in fear and doubt forever.

I'm not studying anything this week. I am taking it easy and doing a lot of nothing. I have been looking at the Havamal and Rune Poems just as a persuit rather than something with deadlines and expectations.

To everyone that has called me, thank you. It has been very helpful. Please keep them up.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"I look for the quiet"

Lots of people seem to be down in the dumps. I for one, am not one of them. I am sorry to hear that and hope things start to look up. It is July and warm and sunny, I don't have complaints here. I am stressed out, but not in a pulling-my-hair-out sort of way. I am coping, but I wish I didn't have such a low boiling point lately.

Odin is following me everywhere. The upset in my house has settled, the dreams are vivid, but relatively normal, and Odin seems to be in Chesed rather than Geborah mode. I am quite thankful. I've never had Odin not push me about. In fact, my neck has loosened up too. In a lot of ways, I have surrendered to the process and to change itself.There are ripples everywhere in my life. I dare not even look in the direction of how those ripples are affecting people around me. Things are changing, consolidating, and they will never be the same.

Opportunities are falling in my lap, I'm being rewarded for being diligent and hardworking. I am utterly amazed at the syncronicity and abundance all around me.I find myself stepping into a lot of mother roles. I am not afraid of this either. To hear my High Priest's words from a year or more ago echoing in my brain, I feel that I am guided and on the right track rather than alone or confused. I know that for the past year and a half I have been preparing for this moment. I didn't know what to expect, it surely wasn't this. I try to find the quiet and live on what's left. (Ego-Likeness)I've jumped out of the tower, to find myself caught by the very hands of God and
I no longer fear the future. The path ahead is hard, disciplined, sometimes painful, but ever magickal and rewarding. May all of us look forward toward the sun, like the Fool, ever hopeful for the next step on the Path.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

floating above, ungrounded.
*breath in love, breath out connection.

panic, fear,
breath in love, breath out connection.

the fear isnt real
It is power,
waiting for an outlet.

Don't bottle it
breath in love, breath out connection.

stick to your Will,
plan, follow the future path
breath in love, breath out connection.

no limits
you are not trapped
breath in love, breath out connection.

Change is happening
This is a good thing
This void, can now be filled with the power, waiting to flow.

breath in love,
breath out connection.

*Thank you to Thorn Coyle for her breathing meditation.

Friday, June 19, 2009

4 agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a great little book called The Four Agreements. Those agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything PersonallyNothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make AssumptionsFind the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your BestYour best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I heard my mother and father talk about this book and a one friend in particular that lived by those agreements. I read the book a few years ago, then I let the agreements slip into my subconscious. I have found that in the past 2 years, I have been focusing on communication, not making assumptions, and not taking things personally. (as an overachiever, I don't usually have the "do your best" issue, its usually, more of "go easy on yourself" thing). Not taking things personally is the hardest. It is so much more pronouced when I'm with my family, because either, I notice my instinctual behaviors more, they know my triggers, or I have grown some and they want old paradigms to work. Its probably a combination of all 3.

I had a lot of bad dreams last night. At one point, I brought my etheric bodies above me to hover over me like a mother bird. The winged me, held me and rocked me, asking me what was wrong. "I don't want to be alone. I don't want love to be taken away from me. I'm afraid for the future, what if I fall? There will be no one but me to pick me up." "I am here for you, you won't fall" winged me crooned.I relaxed and drifted, fluttering back into sleep, in the safe bossom of my home, my retreat, my fortress.

I keep the keys to my home, my inner sanctum and I am not alone. This tree is made of Love, bound by Love, and grown with care, communication, and Time.

Blessed be.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I've been sleeping a lot. My partner is on vacation, so I guess I might as well catch up on my sleep. Last night I went to bed at quarter after 9, and left until 7am. I did something similar to that yesterday, but my theme song for that night was

"Red, red wine.... you make it hurt so good" Uh yeah, Drank a wee bit too much, but got up twice in the middle of the night to drink gatorade, so I wasn't completely hung over yesterday.
Last night, however, I had a really productive dream cycle. At one point lots of people in my life were at my childhood home and my back-door-neighbor-adoptive-grandmother's house. There was a pregnant horse in the shed. It was a full moon and a huge snow storm. I was sure under those conditions she'd give birth. I was so worried for her as we wouldn't be able to get a vet out to us and we'd have to do it on our own.

The kids didn't know how to turn off the TV and it was really getting on my nerves. I realized that if you hit the zero "0" button and the fast forward at the same time "FF" that it would do the OFF function. Yay me. Yes, I have been reading about gemantria and other word games lately. It was kind of like a Star Trek control panel.

Other people were in and out of the house, we were welcoming anyone that needed shelter out of the storm. I was concerned about keeping the doors locked so that we didn't have unexpected, and possibly unsavory guests. It was quite the storm. But I couldn't wait to see the baby.
I've been dreaming a lot about that house and thinking about how my thought paradigms are completely changing. I like it that old things aren't what's replaying. Its new people, new situations, and quite often, I am the lady of the house and not a child within it.

Friday, June 5, 2009

putting down roots

I have such an incredible group that I'm working with in NJ. They have become my friends, my peers, my community, and *gasp* my students. We went through Chapter 10, Chicken Tarot, last night. Some had made flash cards, some had made charts. Everyone had been looking through their tarot cards. One even found that their tarot cards were printed incorrectly! I was so proud of her. She researched that it was in fact, an error, and decided that Lon was right and the deck was not. In fact, she was so annoyed at her old deck for being wrong, she's going to buy Lon's book on the Thoth Tarot, buy the Thoth Deck and start studying with that. She's also buying several Qabala of Tarot books. She'll be coming to my coven's open full moon this Sunday to get to know us a bit more.

The discussion led to modalities, astrology, the wheel of the year, tool correspondences, the witches pyramid. We even passed around my egg from my triangle of stillness to have people hold it and try to visualize it or keep the form in their heads with their eyes closed. It was an impromptu exercise, but it was nice to fit it in without making people feel like they were on the spot.They want more Qabala Tarot. I'm sure of that. I'm going to use tarot for the paths and as aids in the next series we're doing for the rest of the year. Then next year, 78 degrees of wisdom.

Watching everyone grow, get excited about the topics and the learning, and the hunger for the process is so inspiring and rewarding. Their willingness to help out, volunteer, and contribute to the process is humbling and I am so grateful. I had felt a lot of loneliness during my move north as everything changed. Sometimes I feel caught up in the winds of change as if I don't have roots, but seeing where and how my roots are gaining footing is a joy.

Monday, May 18, 2009

When I was first learning to ride a bike I was 5 years old. My Dad would hold the bike steady for me, and run down the road to get me going. Then he'd let go and I didn't even know I was doing it by myself.

Biking has been one of the passions of my life. I haven't done much of it in the past few years. I've been concerned about safety being alone or in traffic.

I was thinking about the process of learning about it though. I fell, my dad was there, ready to pick me up and throw me back on the bike. I've fallen a few times in the past year. I've had a lot of people reading to dust me off, pick me up, encourage me and just be there for me. It's been such a help and I appreciate it so! I know I'll fall again, skin my knees, get back up, learn, rest, heal and get better. I excited for the process.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Being Gifted new Keys

I am so overjoyed about the journey! Last night, about 3 minutes before I fell asleep at the dinner table (hey, I needed the sleep!), I read Thich Nhat Hanh's comments on sanga. He talks about taking refuge in the sanga, your community of "friends, brothers, and sisters in the Dharma" In otherwords your spiritual family and community. He says that you have to create a community of practice. In martial arts it is called practicing the dao. As each day goes by, I feel that my Sanga deepens and we uphold each other more firmly. I am less afraid of letting someone led the rope as we climb up the mountain (or in the depths of the sea for that matter). Each conversation, connection shared, experiences gathered, or bread passed around the table strengthens and solidfies the sanga for me. I am so greatful for a group that will let me share some of my most embarrassing thoughts freely and with support!!! Being tired, ungrounded from a rockin Cerrenunous ritual and having a beer really loosened my tongue! (but not enough that I was asking for french fries) Thanks guys!
Yesterday I found myself running toward the gate that led to the yard we were having Beltane for the Fellowship. Sure enough, one of the members was there, needing someone to open the gate as her hands were very full! The following ritual was so beautiful!
Yes, you have to do the Work on your own. Yes, it can feel lonely. But, YES! you have a community, there waiting to support you if you are showing up. You have to be a part of it and open your heart to it. Speak up, speak your truth, your hopes, your visions and dreams! Someone else is holding your next Key. You won't be given the key unless you ask! Everyone is imperfect. Everyone makes mistakes or has scales over the eyes to one thing or another, but, we are growing, we are looking ahead. We are the divine, walking to manifest, physical bodies, growing and making change, realizing potential and creating Love and Enchantment. What love, what uniqueness, what contribution do you have to make? Love to you all, thank you so much!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

In high school I was a big fan of shows like Paranormal Borderline and Crossing Over. I read a lot about interpreting body language, psychology, ghosts, supernatural phenomenon, chakras, psychic awareness, you name it.

That was my thing. It still is, but on a whole different scale. I am really lucky to have a supported, gifted community of really talented teachers at my disposal. Along the way, I have seen my 2nd sight blossom and my awareness of the world(s), Gods, and our human existance expand. I grew used to frequent moments of syncronicity and people in my community all trying to do the Work, grow and help each other out along the way.

I have found myself in a new area and with a new group of magickal friends in addition to my beloved community and coven. One of my favorite authors Frank MacEowen, talks about how most people are asleep at the wheel, and calls them sleepwalkers. It is possible to go through the motions of life and not ever be aware of how large (and small at the same time) the universe really is and how broad the spectrum of life is as well. Much of psychic awareness is being aware of small ques. Some of it is signals you can pick up out of the air and the energetic fields of the people around you, and some of it is paying attention to facial expressions, body stances, and changes in patterns of behavior. All of this combines with gut feelings, dreams, nudges, call-it-what-you-will, and you seem to have these fabulous powers. I think that's really funny because in general I don't notice my awareness like that until I freak someone out!

My partners learn that they may get stern words from me for outbursts that they didn't have outloud. Projection people! On the scale of things, I'm not all that great at it either! O worry about my own sometimes dramatic emotional fluxes. Its hard to justify when you make decisions based on epheremeral impressions when you may not have words that logically back up your feelings.

But, lately I've been having fun with it. Someone asks me how I know something or how I was reading between the lines between the words someone used and what they actually were referring to or meant to imply. Especially in a magickal community, its fun when someone says "But, how did you know that?!!"

I'm a witch, ya know. Love to you all!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Squee for Rob Breszney

So Rob Breszney, in suggested a way for me to start a band, so with much ado, I give you.

Caxion's first album
Acid Dropping, Classroom Burning Hippies

Monday, April 20, 2009

Artist's Healing and Retreat

My favorite thing to avoid is my work as an artist. It is the core of who I am and horribly blocked. Among the discussions this weekend, one idea was for me to go on a retreat for a few days to jumpstart my art practice up again and maybe do some healing.
I found an intensive at the Omega Institute done by Alex Grey. Art Intensive by Alex and Allyson Grey
The intensive with Alex Grey is more about creating magickal art and less about dwelling on what's wrong with you psychologically. I need to get back to the Desire and Will to create art and be an artist. That is first. As I listened to the words in the Middle Pillar ritual on Saturday, I need to release the outcome, I let go of how it all needs to turn out. I hesitated to commit to the Grey intensive because I would actually have to have artwork ahead of time and talk about my artist's statement and then do art in class. I'm an artist! This is what I SHOULD be doing. Of course I can prepare a 5 minute presentation on my art. If I need to do some art between now and then to prepare, good! So mote it be!

tinkering with the gears

I am so grateful for the people that support and share life's experiences with me. I had a relaxing and happy weekend with little deadlines and just good sharing with friends. One of my friends from Philly joined by boyfriend and I to go to Tahuti lodge for the Middle Pillar ritual. The ritual was nice, but not as big of a deal as I had thought. I also found out that other than the LBH ritual, I knew all of the pieces and techniques to the rituals. I enjoyed using the Hebrew in the ritual though as we've been spending so much time on that in Chicken Qabala. The other good news is that the ritual took care of the cramps I was having in my neck and shoulder. It is one more way for me to think about those techniques and try to work on the energetic issue I have with my neck freezing up now and then.

Listening to the men talk about Men's mysteries, I started to dream about the Women's mysteries in a way that I hadn't actively thought about it in a while. The funny thing is the subject has come up 3 times in the past week. It's a real need. I know what the end of 09 may look like as I start to prepare for that. (I have to wait for my next intiation which should be this year)

I've also been thinking about how you have to be the change you want to see in the world. This doesn't just go for internal work, but if you want something to happen, you have to do it. For me, this means I need to develop my workshop offerings now and really build a body of work. My journey isn't about keeping busy or always just having fun or experiencing ritual, its about contributing as well. Contributing doesn't mean exercises and activity, it means gifting in a way that isn't done in any other forum.

Despite many activities going on this year, much of my growth and change will be internal. Karate, painting, personal journaling as therapy are all about start back up again. This summer I'll be taking psychology classes as well to get ready for getting my masters in Art Therapy. Today, it occured to me that I could spend 40 hours a week, working, and doing something that I find satisfying and enjoyable. I better do it.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Something Fabulous this way Comes

Last night I had a heavy and productive dream cycle before I arose. I had a dream where I was in high school again, but I was the current me, not the high school me. I was in gym (horror of horror--You know for someone who has been a semi-athelete their whole life, I do have a lot of horrific memories about gym class), and we were playing basketball. I was standing off to the side, happy to run the ball, but really didn't want to shoot. I was looking at the hoop (it didn't have a net--interesting because I was thinking earlier this week about magickal practice without safety nets) and decided that in the big scheme of things, whether or not I failed a basketball test didn't matter in the least. Then I realized I was barefoot. That alone didn't bother me, but I thought that I might get my toes stepped on and I wasn't really being appropriate for the situation. So I put my shoes on, which happened to be my platform stompy goth boots. ROTFLMAO! Of course those shoes put black marks everywhere. I tried to stomp them out, making it worse, then left, deciding to look for my sneakers in my locker. I found one shoe, not helpful. The bell rung, so I went to my next class. It was something dry, horribly tedious, and again, didn't matter to me anymore. It was busy work being given by an unintelligent, apathetic, burnt out teacher. But, I found my sneaker under my desk. I went to the coat closet or locker room to change. I started pulling out art projects for what seemed to be a college art class. My high school crush was there, naked. His body look quite like my ex-husband though. I thought about telling him I was going to Shanhai him into the back of the closet and have my way with him, but decided to have a bit of self-restraint. He showed me a project we were working on in Chemistry that had a diorama of a suburban town with some weird stuff thrown in; Harry Potter's house, an Olmec pyramid ruin, a volcano, and some dinosaurs. I wondered if we could remotely set up an astral temple inside the pyramid to work it. I put the thought aside as I was keen on getting back to the gym to insist that I scrub up the mess I made on the floor. I decided that there was no reason to just feel bad about it, I should do something.
There's a lot going on in that dream. Putting things into context, especially trauma of the past, doing things I don't care about as a means to an end, lusting for a fantasy and then discovering the truth of reality, taking responsibility of one's actions whether intentional or not... I think being barefoot was because I declared yesterday that I was going back to karate. There was also symbolism about hindering myself from engaging my sexuality and keeping it locked in the closet. I like the idea of using models for ancors to astral temples. That should be fun to play with. There's even an element of dealing with what I have by being practical rather than being ultra conscious of being like everyone else and fitting into the norm. A lot to think about. I'm glad that some part of my psyche is dredging through this stuff in a way I can be conscious of.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

5 year review

I have been blogging for 5 years. My first blog entry was on 3/29/04 on I saw an Live Journal prompt due to LJ turning 10 years old. It said, "what was your first entry about?"
I reread my first entry and reflected on the past 5 years. I have changed so much. Just out of college, I was terribly depressed and looking for how to define myself. I didn't have the idenification or sense of self I have now. I had a different car, a different computer, I have moved 4 times since then. I have changed jobs 3 times. I have gotten away from much of the Dianic and new age thought I proscribed to at the time. I went through therapy, a marriage and divorce, and became a martial artist. I changed covens as well. At the time I was working on my 1st degree and now I am doing the same for 2nd. What's been good in the changes are apparent; I am more confident, I have a longer vision of the future, I am stronger, I make 60% more than I did then (note: what I was making then was 60% more than what I was making 3 months before that), I own 2 properties, I have no school debt, I am 25 pounds lighter, and I am less emo!
Oh my, that entry seemed like it was written by an intelligent, but more immature person. I'm glad that life and my ethics are more complex and my concept and interaction with the worlds material and unseen are deeper. Despite the complexity, I have more control over my life and the world I create magick in. I am less stressed and scared than I used to be.Looking back is a good way to see where I've come from and note the changes. I'm greatful for the journey and the growth! I can't imagine where I'll be in 5 more years. I hope it is as great!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Pain, Stress and Anger

Yesterday morning I read in True Love about caring for your anger as if you were a mother that takes it up in your arms to care for the emotion like a hurt or scared child. The idea of me taking control and nuturing my pain until it is transformed was worded in a way that hit me to the core.
I wasn't mindful in the evening. I found out there have been some noncompliance issues with my tenant of my rental home. On top of that, my realator has gone MIA because of some major legal issues. I realized that I may have to get a lawyer and Goddess forbid learn how to evict someone. All of that made me really upset. I also wound up in a situation beyond my control that messed up dinner and I was very hungry by the late time I got to eat. I reacted annoyed by that one too outwardly and perhaps a bit to venamently. My sore shoulder muscle decided to freeze from all of this internalized anger and stress.
I put a hot pad on it a couple times last night and even tried dialoging with the pain which helped me relax enough to fall back asleep. I'm taking as much advil as I can and at least my whole neck isn't frozen.My guts are a big mess today from the internalized stress. I am very tired as well.
I got an email from my mom this morning that a good friend of the family died on Monday. I'm going to his funeral tomorrow, so I'll be doing a lot of driving with this frozen shoulder. Ugh.
While I'm driving today I'm going to try dialoging with the pain again and see if I can't be more mindful and caring to it. Though growing up the answer would have been "deal" or "get over it" or "noone ever said life was easy", I love myself and will mother my pain so that it can be relieved and bloom into grace.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I just quit assuming that my parents will understand me or always respond in a loving way. They need my attention, love and validation as much as I need theirs. Just as I would preface things with friends in order for them to understand if I am asking for them to listen, agree, or if I want a new perspective, I have chosen to be specific and open about my conversations with my parents. We I talk to them as close friends and not as the omnipotent beings I considered them in childhood, I am able to make them not a part of me, seperate beings so that I don't automatically get my feelings hurt when I talk to them.
Its a learning process. I'm grateful that my relationship with them gets better over the years and did a lot of healing after I became an adult.
I,29: For I am divided for love's sake, for the chance of union. I,30: This is the creation of the world, that the pain of division is as nothing, and the joy of dissolution all.
I didn't know pain, or heart ache or need until I opened my heart.
I didn't know seperation and loneliness until I felt the depth of initimacy and union that I now have so often. I feel so safe and secure, loved, appreciated, and yet she myself in his mirror in his frustration when I don't give myself enough credit.
We have spent so much time together in the past 1.5 years, and yet I feel, in some ways I barely know him. This rabbit hole is deep and will be forever I feel.
I feel myself falling down the well, falling endlessly into the cool, damp dark, to find myself, cradled among the stars and into everything, and nothing.

The light seems so much brighter now that the cold darkness has passed. The maiden moon cupped the sky like a chalice the other night. It didn't seem to be setting by was held in the clouds gently. The darkness seems rich now.
We saw a tornado Sunday night. Absolutely amazing, scary, and dream-like all at the same time.
Q. mentioned he wouldn't mind living on the eastern shore some day. It would be nice to go home sometime in the future.
I took a mental health day yesterday and got caught up on my sleep. It was much needed. I did some homework on Qabala and runes and got the house straightened a bit.Then I got dressed and made up for my interview in Long Island.
The drive was nice and I listened to Thorn's newest CD Songs for the Waning Year as I went. I wasn't nervous I was ready; I felt strong, I felt powerful, the fehu in my aura glowed.The interview was not the trial I was expecting. It was easy, gentle and became more and more enticing as we went through it. I expect an offer after passover with a 17% raise included. Schweet! More opportunties, more freedom, better pay, better benefits, flex time with a better schedule (I'll get off of work at 3:30), an assistant and best of all, my own office with windows, a door and everything. The job will be both rewarding and challenging in a way that suits me. I'm looking forward to it. Go magick. Q and I have been working on this stuff since January. It's exciting to see big results so quickly.

After my interview I didn't make a turn I needed to and got lost in Queens. I passed a highwway that looked like a good bet, called Q to help me out, then while I was waiting for him to get to a computer, stopped at a fast food place for a drink and the bathroom. Low and behold, there was a valknut on the toilet paper dispenser. Yes, that's the logo for SCA, but the timing was perfect.Last night I had a very weird dream of mixed up Celtic myth, Qabala, Thorn's Cd, and Norse cosmology.

I was in a pagent-like ritual and was looking at my script. I was the Norns and my names were Ivo, Oz, and Macha. Ooo boy. Weirdness. (pun intended). I was advising the king of his path and how to use his power in congruence with the land. Then I was laying out bibles in the glif of the Tree of Life and had parables, excerpts and riddles from each of them that in order to travel up the path you had to answer the riddle while standing on the bible. Yod comes to mind here. I was sitting there, knowing the riddles and tasks I was crafting needed to be intricate and well thought out. I knew I could do this but that it would take time, effort, faith and care. I was excited for my own task. These riddles I was preparing for a friend of mine whom I knew would enjoy the journey.

Friday, March 27, 2009


I led another roundtable discussion on Chicken Qabala last night. This was the first roundtable that my partner (who is my senior in both age and pagan experience) hadn't joined with me. It seemed too quiet at first, but I went right into my material and we had some great discussion. Some people there were excited to see how their understanding of Tarot, magickal correspondences, the nature of god and the universe, and even paganism's relationship to Christian/Judeo religious thought changed from this little book! Some ideas were challenged and changed, disagreed with and left to germinate for later use.
I am so excited to see people grasp onto new concepts and fly with them. It is so exciting!! I love this!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Thich Nhat Hanh Does it again

This week I read about Deep listening. He spoke about untying the knots in our hearts that happen when someone we love makes us suffer. Last week I tried this by airing my fears. I was heard. Once I had shared them, the fears didn't control me. I could let them go. I was assured that my Love was on my side.
Last night, Q. fell asleep with his arms around my and his face in my chest, open and as honest and trusting as a child. I stirred a bit and he sighed. I listened to his breathing. My heart and breath completely open and connected.
I went to a workshop done by Janet Farrar and Gavin Bone on Labor Day weekend called "The Chalice and the Blade" in the workshop, we coupled and gazed into one anothers eyes, breathing together and forming a circuit. Something incredible boils up from one's core, like a firey serpent. I highly recommend trying it. I'm going to do that tonight.
Blessed be.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Hope and Higher Powers

I see some of the most amazing sunrises over the New York City Skyline on the way to work. I see hawks and cormorants fly through the Meadowlands. I watch the wind tickle the water and sea oats. I see the changing seasons in this biome so close to one of the busiest places on earth. I find it an amazing juxtapostion between human activity and the quiet of the marsh.

Today, the sun was streaming through the clouds and reflecting off of some of the shiny buildings in the city. I could help but will a wish, "Please God, help me get a better job in the city. Help me break those barriers into that bustling art world of culture!" With a shock, I noticed my crown chakra open and pour energy up into my transpersonal chakra. I connected. The feeling, wish, prayer, what have you was fueled by my solar chakra and my heart and pushed up into a circuit toward the divine. It occurred to me, that these type of willful wishes and prayers are not to God (the all cosmic creator, unnamed lord of Christianity), but to our own higher power, our co-creator, our higher self. I sent my wish to my God of Self in alignment of Will and purpose.

Those streams of sunlight give me hope. Face shining, full of light, I look forward toward the future, change, and hope. Blessed be.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

True Love: On Suffering

Katrina Messenger put out a challenge to go through Thich Nhat Hanh's True Love with her and her school week by week starting in February. I bought the book, intregued. Its a really good book. So far, this is my response to chapter 4

Going through transitional periods are difficult. Mourning the old you and letting go to make way for the new is sometimes painful, akward, and difficult. Change is both inevitable and worthwhile. The transition through death that a new, more evolved you can emerge is the reason we push through in the in first place.I am very blessed. My partner, came home to me last night, early, I was in bed, moping. He held me for a long time, got me to talk, and then really listened. He supported and validated my process, then he spent the rest of the evening with me as we went grocery shopping, made dinner together, and felt asleep in each others arms. We reconnected and I was able, through his mirror to recognize myself again.
I have never felt a place safe enough to both experience pain and at the same time, have help not to drown in it. Validation, understanding, and patience. Those are the stones on which we are building Ravencroft, our home. ~~~Blessed be.
I went through tremendous change last year. I usually follow a year of change followed by a quiet year that is like a repose to the year before. This cycle works well for me. Last year's change came out of close to 2 years of feeling like I was stagnated and wasn't getting anything done. I was getting ready for a whole new world and a shattering of my existance and current world of being.

I feel that I am starting the new cycle, the new wheel of 2009 with more action and change. This may not be a quiet year after all. Last year, the changes were of my external environment. So far this year they are internal. I likened it yesterday to feeling like I was walking around in a huge costume. The me inside was eclipsed by the outside mask to which everyone was paying attention.

Capricorn is the Cardinal, Fire of Earth Sign. It is the path between Hod and Tiphereth. I understand the imagery of reaching the highest reaches of mountains in this context. Then there is that pesky tail and that curling squiggle of the Capricorn glif. That squiggle curls back in on itself and jumps off the mountain, headed toward the depths of the sea. Swirling around in the darkness, the Capricorn learns to be more fish than goat.

I had a dream over 6 months ago where I jumped into the NY harbor into murkey waters to retreive a wad of money I saw below the surface. The message was: "When you do the dirty work and reach into the depths, great wealth awaits".

I am afraid of what will be shed while I search in the darkness of the underworld. I meet the Goddess and Esus in my dreams. There is no turning back, and yet, what will be the product of this tempering may not be recognizable. Silent footsteps in a silent world. I spread my wings and follow the memory of the Raven's cry.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Pluto Conjunct Sun

Pluto conjunct sun is going to be the defining aspect of my year. It kicked my ass in January. Pluto only conjuncts one's sun once in a lifetime and it strikes out that which does not serve you and is a process of redefining one's self. I'm seeing it as a death and rebirth and a time of great contrast.
I had a dream a couple of nights ago where there were 5 black german shepards, 5 golden retreivers, and 5 white shitzu's in my parents old house, running around in my bedroom. Hades was standing in the corner, looking dark and shadowing, dower and pessimistic. 15 dogs in red, white and black and the personification of Pluto in the room where I transitioned from child to woman.
Sounds about right except that its a little too agressive to me. Pluto is on the warpath in my chart and in my dreams. Yikes!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Hail Brigid

Last night, February 1st, instead of going to a superbowl party, I had the honor of Aspecting the Celtic Goddess Brigid for my coven, Guardians of the Windsword's Imbolc ritual. The whole day had been warm and sunny, melting the snow and making everything feel like winter really was washing away.
I was nervous. Last year, this ritual had been my first opportunity to Aspect the Goddess. I practiced diligently all through 2008. As the ritual got closer, the more keyed up and nervous I got. Once we got into the ritual everything changed. I let go, Brigid's light filled me and spilled everywhere. I was the observer in the back of my etheric form and watched amazed, as the passionate, yet compassionate Goddess gave everyone a carpe diem message. I didn't have to think, she spoke for me. I wasn't shakey or faltering, she just poured through. In fact, the whole time, she told me to stand at the forge and just concentrate on the flame.
The gods feel emotion on such a purer, higher level than we do and yet all that raw power is controlled. It is like looking into the core of a star. I am so blessed by Brigid that I was used as her vessel. I really feel like looking forward I am looking into the light and hope of Springtime. New beginnings, a new life, and a lot of closure on the old cycles that I can no longer hold onto.

Friday, January 30, 2009

tribute to Jack Kornfield

The past year has been one of the most life-altering, faith affirming years I have ever had. It has been one of many joys, exhilerations, and tears. I have been a part of events I quit hoping were possible. When your grasp on reality changes so much in such a short time span, you are left reeling, with the clouds of dust around you.

Jack Kornfield wrote a book called After the Ecstasy the Laundry. I read it as part of my degree work in 2003. I didn't really care for the book much but I think back on its several themes often.

This year, after the most joyous of years, I feel into the worse SADD I've ever experienced. For a while I was drowing, but thank the Gods, my Love pulled me out of the water. Since then, I've been treading water sometimes and at others doggy paddling. I am cold and tired and hope not to sink again, not seeing, but hoping I'm getting closer to shore.

One of the major themes of the book is that after one hits the point of Enlightenment, then one has to return to the world and the daily mundane chores of life. The author went away to a Buddhist temple for months, gained this blissful connection with God but came home and found that American middle class life seemed empty and felt like he'd lost the connection to Enlightenment. His point is that we have to work on it, day in and day out, to always search out those blissful, connected moments.

Esoterically, the dark parts of life are called the Dark Night of the Soul. I cannot say that I am having a large dark night of the soul, but maybe more of a personal dark of the moon. When the ground becomes bright green I'll be through with it and I'll have to remember to be kind to myself for a while. I struggle with the guilt of being tired or the waves of emotion that I seem unable to subvert. Yet, I know its okay to feel, to really feel, and I know that at least I don't suppress all emotion like I used to.
Without the dark, there is no light. We lack the keys to experience joy if we are afraid to get hurt or to deal with growing pains. We have to turn inward to face the dark parts of ourselves if we are to understand ourselves and to touch the mystery.
This is the first time I've put pen to paper to touch on this since I hit rock bottom on December 28th. I'm doing the best I can and everything is up from here.
I plan on using Ego Likeness Lowest Place on Earth as my theme song for a while.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

On letting go

Toward the beginning of the year I started pulling Raido, the rune of travel and journey. The past year has definately been one of transition. Everything in my life has changed; the state I live in, my job, my lovers, my coven, and many of my friends.

Since Samhain, (October 31st, the Celtic new year) I started receiving the message of "let go, trust, give in entirely". Whether it be subverting the ego, trusting the Gods, or even just not trying to plan things, all of my lessons deal with trust and disengagement with outcome.

It is scary, unknown, and and grows in an utterly dark place, deep within the earth. I revisit the same old winter themes. Ravens, the Morrigan, Brigid--Keeper of my Hearth, culling for renewal, and dreams.

I suffer from Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder. I have moved yet again, further north and wait for the sun to return. I rest, and dream, like a tree. Hoping for gnosis in the dark.

Blessed be.