Thursday, November 17, 2016

Self Care

The concept of self care is a big deal right now.  We live fast paced lives that instantly give us options to do more and access information instantly.  The only way to slow down is through conscious choice to do so.

Self care is stressed in the graduate program I'm in as well.  It makes total sense that mental health care clinicians need to take care of themselves to be able to prime the well and avoid burn out.

There is something about self care that eludes me though.   I have always taken the approach of work first, and play in your free time.  The assumption is that free time is free because your work is finished.  It seems to me that the concept of self care is that you have to schedule in time to take care of yourself no matter how much work you have.  Taken to an extreme, that sounds to me like shirking responsibilities or procrastinating. 

Also, some of the self care events that my student organization hosts for us are not what I would call self care.  I recognize that unstructured social time is both fun, and a necessary part of being a balanced, high functioning human being.  However, as an introvert, I don't find social interaction a way to recharge.  Recharging and doing things for me involve activities that reduce external stimulus and are calming. 

I am not saying I don't do self care.  I love cooking and do so when I just need to feel comforted.  I schedule significant time for biking and going to the gym.  Both of these are fun and good for me and help me let go of school demands for a time.  However, they also use up energy and sometimes make me tired and sore.  I am good at taking care of me by managing my domestic chores, preventative healthcare, regular haircuts, and eating and sleeping as much as I should.  I see all of these tasks as automatic givens though and don't consider these activities self care either. 

So, in my plodding, pondering, obsessive way, I am still contemplating the idea of self care.  Is my weekly therapy sessions, gym visits, or weekly long bike rides self care?  Bike riding is one of my favorite activities and I've dedicated several hours a week to it for the sake of the hobby.  This activity may be the closest I have to pure self care.

Wednesday and Thursday nights I am usually pretty brain dead since we are in class all Wednesday and Thursday from 9 to 4.  I would like to figure out activities that are self care on Wednesday and Thursday nights because I am not able to do homework.  I am also not able to read for pleasure as my eyes actually hurt after looking at Power Points for 2 days straight.  So I need ideas for things to do that don't require learning anything, reading, looking at glowing screens, are cheap, and can be recharging.  TV falls mostly into the glowing screen category.  I also don't have a lot of space for more debating or stories.  

So far I've come up with the following:
drinking tea
listening to music and burning incense
looking at artwork and pictures

sometimes TV
sometimes artwork

yoga should probably be on this list

Anybody have other suggestions for relaxing ways to recharge when you're mentally drained but not ready to sleep yet?  The here is that I'm trying to not zone out. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Regrets, time, and my damn animus

Where do regrets live?  Life is not a dress rehearsal and words can't be taken back.  Each day is a lesson, yada, yada.  There was a time when I thought I could live my life without regrets.  I thought that to act in error was better to never act at all.  I feel like I've lived a balance of not taking enough risks and taking too many risks without knowing what I was doing.

I guess every life is a blind thrashing through stormy waters, alone in the darkness.

I sacrificed a lot to follow my dreams.  I'm seeking creativity as an ideal and hoping to help people in the process.  I'm still in the trenches, ready to help those who don't have a voice.

Yet, I'm going gray.  The price of Saturn, Father Time, is hefty.  I'll be turning 35 this year.  I was 8 months old when my mother turned 35.  She won't see her grandchildren if there are any.  Maybe I'm getting too old and just have to accept that I won't get to have a career and children.  Maybe I made too wayward choices in the love department for that.  There's nothing I can do about that at this point.  I just have to note that every now and then, a couple times a year, my biological clock cries out in desperation.  I think I could be a good mom.  Maybe I'll be able to nurture maternalistically in other ways instead.  There are many paths to one's life work and legacy.

I'm still facing fears with eyes open, face on.  Still trying to make sense of everything.  I know deep inside that I'm more aligned with my life's purpose than ever before.  Several times this week I've been weepy with tender vulnerability and trust in this process of development.

I can't stop listening to this song. 

My animus speaks through songs, a fluttering of emotions, energy, and hormones.  Why is it that I still have a complex constellated around a partnership that wouldn't let me down?  You would think I would know better and be over it by now.  I fear it is this compulsion that has led me into authoritarian, controlling, manipulative pacts with people criticizing me and minimizing me.  I don't always want to sing and dance alone.  I won't give up on conjunctio.  I have faith and hope that agape is possible.

Ugh, so frustrating.