Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Do What You Have to Do

My life has been a journey of recovery in the past couple of years. Like sobriety, choosing to live, and live well has been a conscious effort. Instead of whining about what isn't right, I get out of bed and do what I need to do; work, take care of myself, try to keep my heart open. Weight loss, exercise, eating right, therapy, and actively working to keep a focused, positive mind has not been easy. It is a choice.

Every day you choose what you are going to do, where you work, who you are with. Make peace with it or make a change. Do what you have to to love yourself and create the life you want to live. No one will do it for you.

I've hated my career most days since I started insurance in 2004. In 2013 I started pushing for something different. in 7 weeks, I'll be going back to school to become an art therapist.
Do what you have to do. Take responsibility for yourself, your choices, your happiness. No one else will.

I have bad days. Some days I drink too much, eat crap, am lazy, feel sorry for myself, cry too much, or just have to deal with mental garbage all day. What counts is the overall trajectory. Where are you headed?

The course I set has kept me from loosing my orientation. It kept hopelessness and worthlessness, henchmen of depression at bay. My compass points due north.

Faith and hope. Onward.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Life Writing

My second year of college I had to take English 102 for a second time.  This was not because I did poorly the first time; it was the contrary; I had done well.  It was due to a transfer glitch where my credits did not correspond with the curriculum in a compatible way.  It turns out I should have been put in honors English but had not been (due to the transfer).  There were 2 good outcomes from this unfortunate bit of bureaucracy.  One, it turned out the professor teaching my section was the department chair and was a good teacher and a nice person.  Two, I wrote an essay that supposed what I wanted out of life.  I have never forgotten that essay, even though I no longer have a copy of it.  I wished to own a cottage with a walled garden.  I wished for a studio and a library.  I wished for steady work and security.  I wanted a canoe or a kayak, a dog, and a good bike.  I wanted a nice kitchen to cook good food and enjoy good wine, leisurely, in my garden each evening.

What do I want now?  Health, companionship, good food and drink, a peaceful sanctuary to call my own.  Not much has changed.  I am no longer naive.  I want to do good work that matters.  I want to make my mark on the world and do my part to make the world a little better.  I want good food, good wine, flowers, and a big ole oak tree.  I want leisure time to paint, garden, bike, and read.  I still want to share sunsets and wine, good food, and dreams, and my bed every night with someone I can call my own, my kin.

I am living my life at the pace that is possible and the speed that is comfortable.  I am reaching for the space that is uncomfortable, as Seth Godin would put it.  Hopefully, I'll be able to set down roots and drink deep waters.