Monday, April 27, 2009

Being Gifted new Keys

I am so overjoyed about the journey! Last night, about 3 minutes before I fell asleep at the dinner table (hey, I needed the sleep!), I read Thich Nhat Hanh's comments on sanga. He talks about taking refuge in the sanga, your community of "friends, brothers, and sisters in the Dharma" In otherwords your spiritual family and community. He says that you have to create a community of practice. In martial arts it is called practicing the dao. As each day goes by, I feel that my Sanga deepens and we uphold each other more firmly. I am less afraid of letting someone led the rope as we climb up the mountain (or in the depths of the sea for that matter). Each conversation, connection shared, experiences gathered, or bread passed around the table strengthens and solidfies the sanga for me. I am so greatful for a group that will let me share some of my most embarrassing thoughts freely and with support!!! Being tired, ungrounded from a rockin Cerrenunous ritual and having a beer really loosened my tongue! (but not enough that I was asking for french fries) Thanks guys!
Yesterday I found myself running toward the gate that led to the yard we were having Beltane for the Fellowship. Sure enough, one of the members was there, needing someone to open the gate as her hands were very full! The following ritual was so beautiful!
Yes, you have to do the Work on your own. Yes, it can feel lonely. But, YES! you have a community, there waiting to support you if you are showing up. You have to be a part of it and open your heart to it. Speak up, speak your truth, your hopes, your visions and dreams! Someone else is holding your next Key. You won't be given the key unless you ask! Everyone is imperfect. Everyone makes mistakes or has scales over the eyes to one thing or another, but, we are growing, we are looking ahead. We are the divine, walking to manifest, physical bodies, growing and making change, realizing potential and creating Love and Enchantment. What love, what uniqueness, what contribution do you have to make? Love to you all, thank you so much!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

In high school I was a big fan of shows like Paranormal Borderline and Crossing Over. I read a lot about interpreting body language, psychology, ghosts, supernatural phenomenon, chakras, psychic awareness, you name it.

That was my thing. It still is, but on a whole different scale. I am really lucky to have a supported, gifted community of really talented teachers at my disposal. Along the way, I have seen my 2nd sight blossom and my awareness of the world(s), Gods, and our human existance expand. I grew used to frequent moments of syncronicity and people in my community all trying to do the Work, grow and help each other out along the way.

I have found myself in a new area and with a new group of magickal friends in addition to my beloved community and coven. One of my favorite authors Frank MacEowen, talks about how most people are asleep at the wheel, and calls them sleepwalkers. It is possible to go through the motions of life and not ever be aware of how large (and small at the same time) the universe really is and how broad the spectrum of life is as well. Much of psychic awareness is being aware of small ques. Some of it is signals you can pick up out of the air and the energetic fields of the people around you, and some of it is paying attention to facial expressions, body stances, and changes in patterns of behavior. All of this combines with gut feelings, dreams, nudges, call-it-what-you-will, and you seem to have these fabulous powers. I think that's really funny because in general I don't notice my awareness like that until I freak someone out!

My partners learn that they may get stern words from me for outbursts that they didn't have outloud. Projection people! On the scale of things, I'm not all that great at it either! O worry about my own sometimes dramatic emotional fluxes. Its hard to justify when you make decisions based on epheremeral impressions when you may not have words that logically back up your feelings.

But, lately I've been having fun with it. Someone asks me how I know something or how I was reading between the lines between the words someone used and what they actually were referring to or meant to imply. Especially in a magickal community, its fun when someone says "But, how did you know that?!!"

I'm a witch, ya know. Love to you all!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Squee for Rob Breszney

So Rob Breszney, in suggested a way for me to start a band, so with much ado, I give you.

Caxion's first album
Acid Dropping, Classroom Burning Hippies

Monday, April 20, 2009

Artist's Healing and Retreat

My favorite thing to avoid is my work as an artist. It is the core of who I am and horribly blocked. Among the discussions this weekend, one idea was for me to go on a retreat for a few days to jumpstart my art practice up again and maybe do some healing.
I found an intensive at the Omega Institute done by Alex Grey. Art Intensive by Alex and Allyson Grey
The intensive with Alex Grey is more about creating magickal art and less about dwelling on what's wrong with you psychologically. I need to get back to the Desire and Will to create art and be an artist. That is first. As I listened to the words in the Middle Pillar ritual on Saturday, I need to release the outcome, I let go of how it all needs to turn out. I hesitated to commit to the Grey intensive because I would actually have to have artwork ahead of time and talk about my artist's statement and then do art in class. I'm an artist! This is what I SHOULD be doing. Of course I can prepare a 5 minute presentation on my art. If I need to do some art between now and then to prepare, good! So mote it be!

tinkering with the gears

I am so grateful for the people that support and share life's experiences with me. I had a relaxing and happy weekend with little deadlines and just good sharing with friends. One of my friends from Philly joined by boyfriend and I to go to Tahuti lodge for the Middle Pillar ritual. The ritual was nice, but not as big of a deal as I had thought. I also found out that other than the LBH ritual, I knew all of the pieces and techniques to the rituals. I enjoyed using the Hebrew in the ritual though as we've been spending so much time on that in Chicken Qabala. The other good news is that the ritual took care of the cramps I was having in my neck and shoulder. It is one more way for me to think about those techniques and try to work on the energetic issue I have with my neck freezing up now and then.

Listening to the men talk about Men's mysteries, I started to dream about the Women's mysteries in a way that I hadn't actively thought about it in a while. The funny thing is the subject has come up 3 times in the past week. It's a real need. I know what the end of 09 may look like as I start to prepare for that. (I have to wait for my next intiation which should be this year)

I've also been thinking about how you have to be the change you want to see in the world. This doesn't just go for internal work, but if you want something to happen, you have to do it. For me, this means I need to develop my workshop offerings now and really build a body of work. My journey isn't about keeping busy or always just having fun or experiencing ritual, its about contributing as well. Contributing doesn't mean exercises and activity, it means gifting in a way that isn't done in any other forum.

Despite many activities going on this year, much of my growth and change will be internal. Karate, painting, personal journaling as therapy are all about start back up again. This summer I'll be taking psychology classes as well to get ready for getting my masters in Art Therapy. Today, it occured to me that I could spend 40 hours a week, working, and doing something that I find satisfying and enjoyable. I better do it.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Something Fabulous this way Comes

Last night I had a heavy and productive dream cycle before I arose. I had a dream where I was in high school again, but I was the current me, not the high school me. I was in gym (horror of horror--You know for someone who has been a semi-athelete their whole life, I do have a lot of horrific memories about gym class), and we were playing basketball. I was standing off to the side, happy to run the ball, but really didn't want to shoot. I was looking at the hoop (it didn't have a net--interesting because I was thinking earlier this week about magickal practice without safety nets) and decided that in the big scheme of things, whether or not I failed a basketball test didn't matter in the least. Then I realized I was barefoot. That alone didn't bother me, but I thought that I might get my toes stepped on and I wasn't really being appropriate for the situation. So I put my shoes on, which happened to be my platform stompy goth boots. ROTFLMAO! Of course those shoes put black marks everywhere. I tried to stomp them out, making it worse, then left, deciding to look for my sneakers in my locker. I found one shoe, not helpful. The bell rung, so I went to my next class. It was something dry, horribly tedious, and again, didn't matter to me anymore. It was busy work being given by an unintelligent, apathetic, burnt out teacher. But, I found my sneaker under my desk. I went to the coat closet or locker room to change. I started pulling out art projects for what seemed to be a college art class. My high school crush was there, naked. His body look quite like my ex-husband though. I thought about telling him I was going to Shanhai him into the back of the closet and have my way with him, but decided to have a bit of self-restraint. He showed me a project we were working on in Chemistry that had a diorama of a suburban town with some weird stuff thrown in; Harry Potter's house, an Olmec pyramid ruin, a volcano, and some dinosaurs. I wondered if we could remotely set up an astral temple inside the pyramid to work it. I put the thought aside as I was keen on getting back to the gym to insist that I scrub up the mess I made on the floor. I decided that there was no reason to just feel bad about it, I should do something.
There's a lot going on in that dream. Putting things into context, especially trauma of the past, doing things I don't care about as a means to an end, lusting for a fantasy and then discovering the truth of reality, taking responsibility of one's actions whether intentional or not... I think being barefoot was because I declared yesterday that I was going back to karate. There was also symbolism about hindering myself from engaging my sexuality and keeping it locked in the closet. I like the idea of using models for ancors to astral temples. That should be fun to play with. There's even an element of dealing with what I have by being practical rather than being ultra conscious of being like everyone else and fitting into the norm. A lot to think about. I'm glad that some part of my psyche is dredging through this stuff in a way I can be conscious of.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

5 year review

I have been blogging for 5 years. My first blog entry was on 3/29/04 on I saw an Live Journal prompt due to LJ turning 10 years old. It said, "what was your first entry about?"
I reread my first entry and reflected on the past 5 years. I have changed so much. Just out of college, I was terribly depressed and looking for how to define myself. I didn't have the idenification or sense of self I have now. I had a different car, a different computer, I have moved 4 times since then. I have changed jobs 3 times. I have gotten away from much of the Dianic and new age thought I proscribed to at the time. I went through therapy, a marriage and divorce, and became a martial artist. I changed covens as well. At the time I was working on my 1st degree and now I am doing the same for 2nd. What's been good in the changes are apparent; I am more confident, I have a longer vision of the future, I am stronger, I make 60% more than I did then (note: what I was making then was 60% more than what I was making 3 months before that), I own 2 properties, I have no school debt, I am 25 pounds lighter, and I am less emo!
Oh my, that entry seemed like it was written by an intelligent, but more immature person. I'm glad that life and my ethics are more complex and my concept and interaction with the worlds material and unseen are deeper. Despite the complexity, I have more control over my life and the world I create magick in. I am less stressed and scared than I used to be.Looking back is a good way to see where I've come from and note the changes. I'm greatful for the journey and the growth! I can't imagine where I'll be in 5 more years. I hope it is as great!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Pain, Stress and Anger

Yesterday morning I read in True Love about caring for your anger as if you were a mother that takes it up in your arms to care for the emotion like a hurt or scared child. The idea of me taking control and nuturing my pain until it is transformed was worded in a way that hit me to the core.
I wasn't mindful in the evening. I found out there have been some noncompliance issues with my tenant of my rental home. On top of that, my realator has gone MIA because of some major legal issues. I realized that I may have to get a lawyer and Goddess forbid learn how to evict someone. All of that made me really upset. I also wound up in a situation beyond my control that messed up dinner and I was very hungry by the late time I got to eat. I reacted annoyed by that one too outwardly and perhaps a bit to venamently. My sore shoulder muscle decided to freeze from all of this internalized anger and stress.
I put a hot pad on it a couple times last night and even tried dialoging with the pain which helped me relax enough to fall back asleep. I'm taking as much advil as I can and at least my whole neck isn't frozen.My guts are a big mess today from the internalized stress. I am very tired as well.
I got an email from my mom this morning that a good friend of the family died on Monday. I'm going to his funeral tomorrow, so I'll be doing a lot of driving with this frozen shoulder. Ugh.
While I'm driving today I'm going to try dialoging with the pain again and see if I can't be more mindful and caring to it. Though growing up the answer would have been "deal" or "get over it" or "noone ever said life was easy", I love myself and will mother my pain so that it can be relieved and bloom into grace.