Limitations are false

So, 3 weeks ago I joined a cross fit gym and its like I unburied a huge lost piece of myself.  My winter depression melted away and suddenly my knees quit hurting.  I've lost 3 pounds and I feel really good.  Hello libido?  you're back!  LOL.  Anyway, what's been interesting is though I've never done heavy lifting before, and I can't say right now that my strength is what it should be, it feels right.  It feels really good.  I feel like what Craig called my "explosive dwarf" body is made for this.  I have goals, tucked away, that I'm afraid to voice, but here it goes:

I want to be able to do 20 unassisted pullups again, be able to pop up and down in a head-stand/hand-stand combo that I used to be able to do and do 144 pyramid pushups.  I was able to do this 4 years ago.  I used to be a gymnast, I used to be a long distance mountain biker, I used to be a martialist.  I want it back.  All that is holding me back is what I think I can do and what I allow my body to do for me.  The lead trainer of the "box" (the Cross Fit term for gym) told me last week is "You have a lot of power and force, you just have to find it and let it out".  Talk about bowl you over.  I've heard that one before!  At that moment I was in the zone, and Spirit was speaking to me with exactly what I needed to hear.

The thing is, that statement is not just true for my physical capabilities or just true for me.  Its true for us all.  Are we willing to push past the comfortable limitations and find our dark, angry, raw, transformative, fiery power?  Hell yeah!  Your current limits are false.  They are based in fear of change.  They aren't based in fear of failure cause if you keep at it, over time, you won't fail!  That's called learning and growing!  It's inevitable.  Fear comes from the weight of self-responsibility and walking in power in this world.  What if you have the very thing someone needs to be the critical turning point in their life path?  Guess what?  You do have that power.  Stop thinking about why you aren't good enough and all the excuses for what's stopping you.

Make possibilities come alive.  There are many more than you could possibly imagine.  Go get it.  Do.  You won't fall when you realize you can fly.

A third of the way around the Temple of Saturn

Around this time of year I look back at what came of the previous year and see how I feel going forward into a new one. This past year was a whirlwind of things changing, coming to fruition and reorientations to my place in the world. On the last day of the year, I have one more celebration, my 30th birthday party, to usher in the New Year, and a new stage in my life.

I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but I got more than whatever that was; 3rd degree initiation, introduction into leadership in the Assembly, a new coven of 13 and growing, my hand fasting, the larger role of featured presenter at Fall Frolic, and my first book published.

One thing about getting older that I’ve really enjoyed so far is that even though bad times and heart ache happen, it’s not as acutely painful. You’ve been down that road before and life moves on, time heals, and you learn from your mistakes, hopefully. I knew, even as a teenager, that when I gained independence that life would be more reasonable. Being able to organize my life and friends as I wished and conduct my household according to my own sense of propriety has been an on-going learning opportunity but a relief as well. For example, I found that my childhood’s home household cleaners, and Eastern Shore mold, corn and pine pollen, were the main source of my allergies. The more time that passes, the better I am able to understand the difference between what people say and their actual underlying impulses that make up their motivations.

Starting this summer, (or was it earlier?) I found myself lacking luster for my life, going through the motions and reaching for a helping hand that just never seemed to be there. Life the Ace cards in the tarot, I kept expecting that hand to appear out of nowhere and help me up, instead I kept treading water and waiting as land didn’t seem to be in sight. It’s been like a dream though. Just when I lose sight of what to do, knowing that I can’t tread water forever, a different level of consciousness takes over and a new dream starts. There isn’t resolution to the old dream but I have a moment of rest and don’t have to despair in the last dream’s moment.

The Goddesses I worked with this fall gave me enlightening and productive experiences. Modron helped me to let go of other people’s drama. I have to live my life and walk my path. I have my own burdens and she reminded me that other people’s issues are their problems, and not my burden to bear. The best any of us can do is live by our own ideals with honor and integrity and let the rest of the world make their own choices.

Hecate gave me a new perspective on the pathways through the underworld. I enjoyed donning the cloak of the light in the darkness rather than wandering through the dark. I also realized that I had shifted fully into the Mother aspect in my life and am no longer “maiden”. I enjoyed revisiting the surge of ferocity of the Maiden. It’s funny how high school and early twenties can be so harsh and austere. At least that was my experience of it. Now, I am starting to have a little more understanding of the way things work, which are never fair, but are often predictable.

So many of the songs I’ve been hearing on the radio lately talk of the gentle spring/summer of childhood (Adele Someone Like You) or Green Day’s When September Ends. Maybe different people have a different experience. I can’t say my childhood itself was all that bad, but my acclimation to the world was not a comfortable one. Maybe my experience was more like the Cruxshadow’s Winterborn, or a Celtic tale of the stolen child hidden in shadow in the underworld until they came into their power in full adulthood.

Life is what you make of it, but if you haven’t noticed, fairy tales are pretty dark too.

The back cover

Ever finished a long classic book, closed the book and then wondered, "wow it's over, now what?"
I feel like I just finished volume one of my life. Now I'm sitting here waiting for the next episode. It's a strange feeling. I like closure in general, but I've worked so hard this tome, I'm reeling and sort of stunned. Blinking, I'll step back out of the theater and into a bright day. I'm looking forward to a new plot line.

How to totally overachieve your Saturn's Return

Change your hormone therapy, twice
Initiate as a 3rd degree.

Get married – and organize the whole thing without bridesmaids, a wedding planner, or a caterer, over 150 miles from where you live.

(unfortunately all of that happened while both bride and groom were sick and the groom had emergency abdominal surgery earlier that week)

Propose to start a coven, lead a study group, host public and private rituals and workshops, interview 12 people, and finally, dedicate the aforementioned coven.

present at a Pagan Pride Day.
present at a festival as their featured presenter.
publish a book.
Join a new gym.
Throw a public Samhain overnight intensive at a local camp.
Go to New Orleans for Halloween.
Throw a pumpkin carving party for your kids for Halloween.
Have a coven field trip for a sweat lodge over 200 miles away
have your house foreclose after being vacant and on the market for over 3 years.
Teach at Autumn magick and aspect Hecate.

Finally Turn 30 and find yourself feeling, for some unknown reason, really tired!

Beyond the Fluff

I have a new article up on witchvox. http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usnj&c=words&id=14723

Martial Magick

I have been thinking about how my experiences with the martials arts has affected my magickal work and vice versa.  The karate school I trained in did not focus on the philosophy or the spiritual aspects of the way as much as they did on the mental and physical.  It was as if they didn't know what to say or just weren't spiritually minded people.  You were given titles of the classic books if you wanted to persue that aspect further.  We didn't meditate in the dojo though. 

On the other hand, I integrated much of the magickal lessons I had been struggling with while I was in the dojo.  Shadow boxing, learning perseverence in the face of not being able to control my body or quiet my mind.  These lessons that I needed for my magickal training I integrated during karate sessions. 

My husband came to the martial arts first in a much more traditional school.  Once he had experienced the Western way, he then switched over to discover what the Western world's magickal tradition was all about. 

We both use skills that we learned both in martial training as well as magickal training simultaneously now.  I don't think about where the stance, breathing technique, or energy manipulation technique was learned from.  How I use both Western and Eastern techniques are about the tools being used and the techniques.  This is similar to how shamanism techiques are utilized in Pagan practices for the most part as well. 

I will have to insert a caveat that I am not a "harm none" aka the Wiccan rede kinda gal.  The Thelemic tenent of "Do what thou Will be the whole of the law, Love under Will" works a lot better for me.  I believe in self defense and strength.  I don't believe in neutering myself magickally by tying my hands or my power or physically.  If my person, home, or family were threatened, you better believe I'd fight to protect them. Its also worth noting that the Wiccan tools were commonly called weapons in classic occult literature.  My lifestyle and martial philosophies have to fit with my magickal beliefs and practices as well.  I don't believe in the watering down of magick, ritual, and practice to make it more sanitized for the publishing industries or the masses. 

I look to the next few years, as I plan my personal training program.  It seems that several people are interested in persuing Tai Chi or similar practice as well in an effort to keep their energetic, physical, martial, and magickal skills keen.  One informs the other, so I cannot ignore this piece of my training, however it fits in. 

I am choosing to no longer participate in hard martial forms.  My body has already suffered permanent injuries from these practicies and I am not interested in further head injuries, etc.  I need my body to last for me! 

Maybe tai chi it is?

Succumbing to Rest

I have always set impossible, perfectionist standards for myself.  That's part of my baggage whether it be in my birthchart, part of my upbringing, or the childhood fixation with trying to be more like Jesus.  I have worked in the past 10 years on allowing myself to play.  I don't enjoy past-times for the most part unless I feel they have a beneficial outcome like growing my relationships, making me physically healthier, or learning something. 

In the past few years I have been so close to so major life goals that I have been driven into hyper drive.  I have enjoyed the adventure with my partner of the past 4 years as we pushed each other and our limits to strive forward.  I have noticed that there is a cycle after big rituals and intensive weekends where 2 days later  I would mentally and emotionally crash.  I have had to start allowing myself the murky low of dropping off of the ecstatic joy of the weekend.  I try not to plan anything during that day, get more sleep, and excuse my blue mood.  When I started to take this approached, it no longer seemed like something was wrong.

Much of my internal dialog during these lows would seem along the lines of "I'm so depressed!  What's wrong with me?  I can't do this!"  I have started to be able to tell this voice, "you are just tired, and that is okay.  Be gentle!"  So now, instead of "what is wrong with me?"  I now am able to discern, that this is what tired feels like and it can be grumpy and blue.  Its okay not to be productive when I'm tired.  I need rest in these instances.  I was reminded of a song that I heard when I was a teenager.  This song allowed me to give words to a need to be alone and recharge.  It gave me words to permit myself to not always be on my "A" game.

This type of self-care led to an epiphany this weekend.  Underlying my activities, studies, my achievements was a small voice that wondered during the winter, in the darkness, "What's wrong with me?"  This voice wondered with all the discipline, practice, and spiritual endeavors, why did I feel that deep down inside, there was something broken.  I was reminded of the words of Frank MacEowen, that that deep urge inside is the spiritual longing for connection.  This weekend, I connected with a deeper understanding of the Qabalistic Fall.  The fall, the disconnect is not personal, its a human condition.  It is not something that is wrong with me, its that seed of discontent and the urge of connection within every human on this planet. 

I don't have to sit and examine my wound and forever focus on how or why I have the hangups I do.  I am excited to have one more tool to soothe when I'm tired, when I feel alone, when I am grumpy.  I am surrounded by strong, incredible people that all seek connection and evolution as well.  We are aware and yet allow us to be gentle with ourselves, without excuses.

Blessed be.