Tuesday, March 25, 2014

On Coming Out

Last night I participated in one of those silly Facebook tag games where if you comment on somebody's fabricated status, then you have to choose an option and put it on your status.  So, being a good sport, I posted that I am gay. 175 likes and comments later I feel bad, because I'm not gay.  In fact, I had people telling me they knew I've alway been gay and glad I decided to come out.   I feel like that kid in the Goonies that played the prank in the theater. So, instead of freaking out, I've decided to make lemonade out of lemons. 

I've always openly been bisexual.   I've never been in the closet about anything.  Well there was this one time in middle school, but I digress.  It hit me last night why this isn't accurate that I'm straight, gay, or bi.  As a kid, I was an uber tomboy.  I wanted to be male.  I self-identified as male until I hit puberty.  It became a little impossible what biological gender I was at that point.  Much of my path into Paganism has been about letting go of Patricarchal religious view such as being the lesser sex, women being the originators of sin, or even always being told to "be ladylike".  So, I have accepted I am biologically female and have lady parts.  Penis envy will just be a part of life for me. It helped me deal with the confusion and the pain of being gender queer. However, psychologically, I have some masculine aspects and still inside wish I had been born male. Paganism gave me new archetypes to incorporate female power and deal with gender roles, expectations, and expressions.  It gave me an opportunity not to accept whole hog what a "normal" woman is in society today.  Gender will always be something that I think about and to some extend wrestle with.  

Gender identification is not the same thing as sexual orientation.  However, to be straight or gay implies that you are one gender and are making an absolute statement about which binary gender you are attracted to. While I could name qualities of someone who is my "type", gender just isn't on the list.  I would have to be hard nosed about my own gender for that to make sense. 

So, my gender is somewhere in the non-binary middle and so is my sexual orientation. Nothing new there. So I'll indentify as pansexual.   Pansexual includes all gender identities.  In my case I just don't care about someone's gender, so rather than "all of the above". It's more like non-applicable to me. 

Pansexual, polyamorous, polytheistic...why choice one when you can have the buffet?  

Monday, February 17, 2014

Dissolution and Letting Go

On a late Sunday morning I stepped through gates of light into a dissolution of light and water.  The vibration and brilliance was blinding.  In joyous embrace I walked into a new reality. And left the old universe behind.  This was a minute or two of a realm I had never touched before.   During the next three years I spiraled inward.  The first year consisted mainly of practical matters of worldly roles and responsibilities of priesthood. The second year was a spiral downward in panicked fear, isolation, and a turning away from the material in hopelessness, despair, and depression.  There was a break, an expulsion from Eden if you will that forced me to move forward utterly alone.  Alone for the first time completely I must add.  In the haze of being unmade, I hoped there was purpose of the rubble.  In the still, quiet, I sat.  I let go; of loved ones, goals, physical belongings, expectations.  

In this space, came Joy.  Through the tears came laughter. The light of life fed me, and I grew in a new way and was born into a new life.  The next step, is being integrated as we speak, the soft shell grows strong again, ready for new challenges.  Blessings flood in and abundance abounds.  

The lesson was the anthethsis of my 2nd degree lesson.  Did I make the wrong choice when I chose to sacrifice myself for the service to the whole, to others?  Or was it that I needed to see the further outcome of that path in order to be able to make a different choice later on?  That contradictory choice later was more sophisticated and more conscious that the confused painful choice that had been made earlier.  I believe that the second choice would not have been understood had the struggle of the earlier one not been played out.  

The gateway of light in my 3rd degree initiation, by my doing, made it necessary to reform my reality entirely.   Isn't this what we ask for on the path of initiation?  Change, growth?  Do we give ourselves completely to the force of magick, or are we getting our toes wet, just dabbling?  For now, I am giving myself over to patience, time, and sunlight.  The Gods wil do their work and I have returned to speaking their messages, just as I am destined to do.  

Friday, January 24, 2014

Open Letter to the Goddess

In case you missed it elsewhere, I had an article featured on Witchvox this week.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

The road ahead

Life is really incredible, but only if you're willing to wake up and engage it.  One after one things line up and tell me that God is belly laughing every time I smile.

Last week I was unhappy about a first appointment with a new therapist.  She told me my issue in managing my love life is that I need to find someone that would commit to me and abstain from sex for 14 months.  She told me monogamy is not natural.  Its very hard... I told her that's why I've never been monogamous, and yet, here I am celibate for the first time since my adult life.  Irony.  Last March, 3 men embarrassed the daylights out of me by giving me a gift on their collective knees.  In one day, one had burnt the bridge out of my life, 12 years, completed, and over, in one phone call.

Another I burnt the bridge myself, over control and ego.  Finally, the last, I finally gave up on, over control, and ego.  Ganesha opened the door, I surrendered to the Morrigan, and at each step, the road opens unto me some more, just another bend in the path, glinting in the sunlight.

I lost my will to see the light.  I turned into the cave of the existence.

"Wizards need the sun and the open sky to do magick."

No longer here to please others or seek praise, now I'm living my life.

Funny story:
My first private session with the therapist who saved me, back in NJ, he told me to watch the movie, "Into the Wild".  I bought it, and never read it.  He told me it was about a guy who graduated college and left his identity, abandoned his car, burned his money and his ID and went out into the world with no identity.

I went to a new therapist yesterday.  I told him I just moved from NJ.  He said that he went to school in NYC and knew a guy he was in college with who was from Dover, NJ.  He said that he once called him and told him that he was going to run his truck into a lake for the insurance money.  No one ever hear from him again.  No one found his truck.  He was off the record.

I said to him, "You ever seen Into the Wild?" and I told him what it was about.

He said, "You know, I never thought of it that way".  That must have been what he had done.  I knew somehow he wasn't dead.

It was like my first therapist had a message for the new therapist.  At least I know that this one is the right now.  Funny how that happens.

At the end of the session, my new therapist gave me a little day calendar photo of a highway through the desert.  It say something like, "The road opens to me every day."

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Portends of the future

Over the years I have been privy to visions of the future.  Often, I don't understand the importance or the context of these messages until the moment in the future when they come into being.  Most often actually.  

What is the point of seeing what may happen if you don't understand or can't do anything about it?  Is it really a heads up?   Is it my own lack of perspective that I don't understand the message?  Is the point that when the event comes about it is divinely guided?  Often I find that the moments I can pick up on are emotionally charged ones, or regular things happen in an emotionally charged time.

A vision of a man pointed at the road would have saved me from a tire blow out from a pothole.   I ignored myself, a friend of mine listened, but I ignored myself despite his inquiries until it was too late.  

At Samhain of 2012, I delivered a message during a seidr to my husband of very dark times ahead and loneliness.  Did I forsee our divorce or just hard times ahead?  

Hades told me I would not descend into the darkness the year and to stay in the light and seek my joy. Did He forsee my relocation to the sunshine state?

Many a Greek tragedy tells the story of the vain attempts people make to avoid a foretold destiny.  In there responsibility in this power?  Is it about trusting the message?  

Things that vex me....

Friday, December 27, 2013

Each breath- a fleeting moment

I remember a bright spring day.  I was the embodiment of the Maiden, the golden sky arrow of cardinal energy bursting forth.   I called to the Horned God in all the fervor I could muster.  He came in the animal form, full of blood, sex, and death.   Hooved boots stomped on delicate spring narcissuses and I quivered in my youthful polarity of desire.

The moment of intoxicating nectar, ephemeral heady scent, snuffed out deliberately.  The God had made his point of the sacrifice, fleeting beauty in the moment, and the inveitabilty of death's embrace.  Absolutes are so precious and resource intensive.   Even in this form, jasmine, honeysuckle, lotus, daffodil, and rose are not captured in their pure form, but only a portion of their being can be stored in bottles.  

We never capture anything.  We own nothing.  Each moment is fleeting, precious, and unique.   Only change is constant.  

A debate I got into this year was on the nature of love.  It was posited to me that love causes pain, wars, suffering and destruction.  To me, higher love, divine love is giving, not grasping, joyful, and does not make demands.   To make demands is to cage an object of one's attention, not to tend a flower into blooming.  To me, destructive love is ownership, imprisionment, anger, fear, obsession, envy, jealousy.  This is not love, but the crushing of ephemeral beauty. 

People are not flowers, even though I may have likened the experience of love to one.   People are bulbs, seeds, acorns, if you will.  Whether we become bonsais, saplings, or great grandmother trees, is part of how we reach town the sun each day, drink in the rain, whether it be drizzle or blizzard, listen to the wind, and feel within the dark for ever stronger roots.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Focus on breath

Could it be that there are times in our lives when there is nothing to say?  One waits and watches the new scene unfold?  

I am journaling privately, but in my caccoon time, I don't know what I should share nor how to share it. 

I am doing work, much of it mundane, but working much more on staying in the now, and being grateful. There is so much abundance that I keep catching myself saying "thank you.  I love you."  I don't know why I say it or to whom I'm addressing. This abundance richly hues my life in such a contrast to the monotone darkness of pain and suffering I left last year that time is wearing down the scars.  The tears are over and a rest, peacefully each day in the joyful sun.