Friday, July 31, 2009

Havin a Hod

Last night I had a Hod Moment, not to be confused with a Mercury Retrograde moment which is Hod backwards or Doh!

I had done some cleaning and decorating, then was getting ready for bed. I turned out most of the lights, lite a couple of candles in the bedroom to alieviate the staleness in the air from the humidity. I lied down in bed and as my head went down, I saw a bright orange flash on my dresser out of the corner of my eye. It was a brilliant spark glowing and arresting my attention. So, I sat back up to figure out what it was and as my head was at the same level, there it was again! Then I realized its origin--a tiny piece of mexican fire opal that had come in the mail today that was the center piece of the Hod disk I made as part of my model of the tree of life.

What a difference a tiny stone makes. Spendor indeed! Oh that's why they call it "fire opal" WOW. The small wooden disk seemed enlivened to me.

Balance of Hod and Netzach indeed! This whole project of constructing this model has taught me so much. Smelling incense associated with each sphere, and connecting it to the stones and gems, and even painting the planetary sigils has been monumental in my connection with the Tree. I cannot explain in words how this process works, but this process of CM has been most rewarding and enlightening.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

27th Path

Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory. Falling on my head like a new emotion...

Prisons of the mind must be destroyed in order to set free the Grace of God and inspiring lighting flash of the universe-Yod. This year I have spent much of it, untethered to my normal foundations (and towers) of consciousness. I have felt alone, adrift in the darkeness. Yet, there is a light guiding my way, hail Yod. It is by this word/light that I find my way to Grace and to a new Knowing. It is by this path of Faith that I move forward, unblocked, set free, and flowing.

I have built this prison stone by stone, yet now it is shattered, Detritus at first pierces through me and I fear that I will be hurt or swept away. No longer is balance enough, now synthesis must flood through me.

If fear is seen as Pachad, then the quote "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." totally changes in meaning.

I look above at the sun. His Eye is both watching me and shining my way. I seek the point of the pyramid, for I can fly.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Gettin Wiggy with it

Well here I am. Waiting. I'm on day 3 of my fast and doing very well. I've been sick to my stomach for weeks so its felt really good to have a break. I even made dinner for Q. and the kids last night and didn't want to try anything. Last night Freya visited me. I did some shadow/mirror work. My weekend was visiting my Mother's side of the family with my mother. She processed a lot of things and needed me for support. I was really glad I had had breakthroughs this summer about emotional pain relating to my mother or I wouldn't have been able to support her through it. I feel empowered to not continue the cycle of emotionally neglectful mothers in my family. I'm going to do it better because I'm more healed, more aware, and am not afraid to change.

I looked through pictures of myself during the past 10 years. I am not that akward, haunted girl anymore. I am a woman in my own right. I am not even who I was 4 or 2 years ago. I'm greatful to Dave for giving me the safe haven to grow. I am greatful for Craig for firmly working me in his hands to stand up, face the monsters hiding in the shadows and process them. I am greatful for Freya for opening my heart to love and passion. Though I am not used to the woman I see in the mirror, I am glad to know she is there and am glad it is as her that I will walk through the rest of the days of this life, and not that confused little girl.

I feel like I'm having a coming out. Not of the closet, but of the traditional antibellum sort of where I have come of age and am now to be presented to the world. Is it late for that at 27? I don't know. That's okay though. I could have hidden in fear and doubt forever.

I'm not studying anything this week. I am taking it easy and doing a lot of nothing. I have been looking at the Havamal and Rune Poems just as a persuit rather than something with deadlines and expectations.

To everyone that has called me, thank you. It has been very helpful. Please keep them up.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"I look for the quiet"

Lots of people seem to be down in the dumps. I for one, am not one of them. I am sorry to hear that and hope things start to look up. It is July and warm and sunny, I don't have complaints here. I am stressed out, but not in a pulling-my-hair-out sort of way. I am coping, but I wish I didn't have such a low boiling point lately.

Odin is following me everywhere. The upset in my house has settled, the dreams are vivid, but relatively normal, and Odin seems to be in Chesed rather than Geborah mode. I am quite thankful. I've never had Odin not push me about. In fact, my neck has loosened up too. In a lot of ways, I have surrendered to the process and to change itself.There are ripples everywhere in my life. I dare not even look in the direction of how those ripples are affecting people around me. Things are changing, consolidating, and they will never be the same.

Opportunities are falling in my lap, I'm being rewarded for being diligent and hardworking. I am utterly amazed at the syncronicity and abundance all around me.I find myself stepping into a lot of mother roles. I am not afraid of this either. To hear my High Priest's words from a year or more ago echoing in my brain, I feel that I am guided and on the right track rather than alone or confused. I know that for the past year and a half I have been preparing for this moment. I didn't know what to expect, it surely wasn't this. I try to find the quiet and live on what's left. (Ego-Likeness)I've jumped out of the tower, to find myself caught by the very hands of God and
I no longer fear the future. The path ahead is hard, disciplined, sometimes painful, but ever magickal and rewarding. May all of us look forward toward the sun, like the Fool, ever hopeful for the next step on the Path.