Forgiveness

My big word in December was compassion. I started doing healing heart work.  Then everything fell apart into an apocalyptic darkness of anger, fear, blame and chaotic upheaval.  All of that ended, thank goodness.

Now, my big word is forgiveness, my mother might say that my word should be folding, (the only household chore I detest), however, that is not my word--it's forgiveness.  Our counselor said that he had a certification in forgiveness and my internal response was, "is this wanker for real?!?"  I'm really glad that comment stayed internally in my head and I didn't share out loud.  So, fast forward through the negativity, the snarky sarcasm, and the pain...  I read Forgive for Love by Peter Lustin.  It is an incredible book based on real scientific research rather than New Agey aphorisms.  It helped, the process is hard.  I need to read the book again, already.

Then A New Earth by Eckert Tolle was recommended by my friend Cecile.  It had some really interesting things to say about the ego, acceptance, observation, and more.  Then I got it into my head that I needed to start studying the Course in Miracles, which is all about the ego and forgiveness.  I am reading ancillary books like Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein, and even plan on attending some of her workshops.  Her next one that I'm attending is in Montauk on August 5th.  http://gabbyb.tv/spirit-junkie-sati-at-surf-lodge.  I'm really looking forward to a special day by the sea. 

So this week I got to the chapter on forgiveness in Spirit Junkie, and I got stuck.  It is a difficult process.  How the author did it was got on her knees and kept praying.  I have been on my knees sanding and weeding, but not praying so much.  I'm going to do a lot more praying.  I struggled, I complained, I cried, then finally a read a phrase that made the tension release for a moment:  loving truth.  Gabrielle speaks about how the pain and hurt from holding the grudge and maintaining the refusal for forgiveness amplified the illusion of separation and encouraged her own internal darkness, not allowing for her loving truth to shine through.  Agog! 

The stillness, solace, and quiet I experienced in seperating myself from the environment I had grown so attached made so much of what I was experiencing seem mad and useless.  The focus had been on the ego's need to be right.  Phrases like "owning your part", "taking responsibility for your contribution", and "being able to hear others' hard truths", had been paramount in this process.  The phrase "loving truth" made the phrase "hard truth" so much more absurd.  My therapist kept reitterating that its not about blame and not about what you should do.  It's about what you are doing and focusing on the present moment, not judging, or obsessing about the past, or what anyone else is doing, but what you can do.  The only thing you can control is yourself, and that is only in part. 

Merciful, beneficent king, show us your ways of loving kindness, acceptance, forgiveness, and joy.  May the blue light of your sphere bring us peace.  Hail Chesed.