at the end of desire

The first thing I memorized when I decided to try Wicca was the last few verses of the Charge of the Goddess.

--For if that which you seek you do not find within, you will never find without.  For I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire. 

Being a very ambitious person, these words rang true as very wise and pertinent.  Those words ring in my ears often.  They are my constant reminding teaching of where to look for that which I need to seek.

I made a couple of critical mistakes when I took the oaths to start a coven in 2011.  I felt pressured that I was unable to start my family as well as a coven and shouldn't try.  I complied, being a person obsessed  with outside approval and acceptance--anything to make others in positions of authority satisfied and praise me.  In order to ignore the alarm of my biological clock, as well as the spirit voice of my unborn child, I banished the spirit and cut myself off from communication from my Higher Self.  Those voices were a nag, and I cut them off.  The problem was, when you cut yourself off from any part of you, you either suffer soul loss, or that part of you creates a tension that show us as imbalance in all of your life.  

I knew it was bad.  I knew it was bad with tears streaming down my face during the singing of a chant about Love led by Katrina Messenger.  I knew it was bad kneeling at Hecate's feet, afraid to look at my potential and my future that awaited me.  I knew it was bad when I started to become more anxious and my Middle Self took more control.  

Now I know that I don't have to wait for things to right themselves again.  This harvest year, is that of integration, listening to all parts of myself, and of love and acceptance, forgiveness, and joy.  

One breath at a time.  The pulsing of the eternal now.  Blessed be.