Breaking the Silence

I've always been really vocal about things that many people shy away from.  I believe that if we keep the things we struggle with to ourselves we can't get help.  Maybe even more importantly if we are silent, others going through the same struggle may feel they are totally isolated and have nowhere to turn.

I've always been forthright about my struggles with Seasonal Affective Depression.  I've also freely admitted to being a wee bit high strung (understatement) and a perfectionist.  This March, due to a lot of external stressors that built up, they became the straw that broke the camel's back.  The Hebrew letter Gimel comes to mind.  So, in that vein, I had a major lesson to learn, and from that, later plan on repeaping the just reward from that hard earned lesson.

In a moment of hopelessness, I let the depression get the better of me and became suicidal.  However, in the hours that followed, I also had a moment of clarity where I felt there was too much potential for myself and my future to give up, and I realized I needed help.  After 3 days in the hospital I plunged back into the world.  Those days were the most real days  I have maybe ever experienced.  I made one promise at Ostara, to clean up my life.

Now, 4 months later, 4 med changes later, 4 psychiatrists, 3 social works, nurses, and a wonderful psychologist helping out, I am wondering about the future.  My relationships with lovers, my parents, sisters, and friends have changed.  I left the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel, which for all extents and purposes had been the home I had grown up in.  I no longer am a member of a coven for the first time since I was 19.  Yet, I have not lost my faith, my skills, my relationships with my Gods.

Now I have a deeper lesson to learn of patience, courage, and steadfastness.  This process cannot be rushed; not through loneliness, frustration, or sheer force.  I find my life, quiet, open, and free.  There is stillness in this waiting.  It is not inaction, but shift from one stage to another--a metamorphosis.

I wonder if all of this is necessary for all life stage transitions.  Is the lessons after achieving the degree of High Priestess, Black Belt, graduate degrees, etc. all about the solitary journey of become one's one master and teaching from within?  Time will tell....