Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Breaking the Silence

I've always been really vocal about things that many people shy away from.  I believe that if we keep the things we struggle with to ourselves we can't get help.  Maybe even more importantly if we are silent, others going through the same struggle may feel they are totally isolated and have nowhere to turn.

I've always been forthright about my struggles with Seasonal Affective Depression.  I've also freely admitted to being a wee bit high strung (understatement) and a perfectionist.  This March, due to a lot of external stressors that built up, they became the straw that broke the camel's back.  The Hebrew letter Gimel comes to mind.  So, in that vein, I had a major lesson to learn, and from that, later plan on repeaping the just reward from that hard earned lesson.

In a moment of hopelessness, I let the depression get the better of me and became suicidal.  However, in the hours that followed, I also had a moment of clarity where I felt there was too much potential for myself and my future to give up, and I realized I needed help.  After 3 days in the hospital I plunged back into the world.  Those days were the most real days  I have maybe ever experienced.  I made one promise at Ostara, to clean up my life.

Now, 4 months later, 4 med changes later, 4 psychiatrists, 3 social works, nurses, and a wonderful psychologist helping out, I am wondering about the future.  My relationships with lovers, my parents, sisters, and friends have changed.  I left the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel, which for all extents and purposes had been the home I had grown up in.  I no longer am a member of a coven for the first time since I was 19.  Yet, I have not lost my faith, my skills, my relationships with my Gods.

Now I have a deeper lesson to learn of patience, courage, and steadfastness.  This process cannot be rushed; not through loneliness, frustration, or sheer force.  I find my life, quiet, open, and free.  There is stillness in this waiting.  It is not inaction, but shift from one stage to another--a metamorphosis.

I wonder if all of this is necessary for all life stage transitions.  Is the lessons after achieving the degree of High Priestess, Black Belt, graduate degrees, etc. all about the solitary journey of become one's one master and teaching from within?  Time will tell....

9 comments:

  1. Congratulations Maggi, on taking yourself back. Your bravery will be rewarded and your health will be the prize. So many folks deal with SAD and yet it is so little understood. I commend you for taking the bull by the horns and doing what was right for you. Stay strong! Kenbe La!

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  2. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement Mambo Vye Zo!

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  3. You may not know what the future holds, but you know know who holds the future. She has been with you form the beginning and She is that which is attained at the end of desire. Blessings and blessed be.

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  4. Do you remember the Inanna ritual? Sometimes you need to retreat underground and shed some old skins in order to be the Queen of the World. Best of luck, as always.

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    1. Becky, I do remember the Inanna ritual. Actually I do a lot of underworld work personally. This has been a rather outward worldly expression of that work. Thanks!

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  5. You are a remarkable and brave young women. Thank you so much for sharing- your words are contributing to the breaking down of barriers that hold so many hostage.
    Brightest of all Blessings to you-
    Anne Clifford

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    1. Thank you Anne. Blessings to you as well!

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  6. Maggi
    I tried to leave you a message but it didn't work
    I am sorry life has been so hard.
    I think of you often - I wear the Lady of the Sea you gave me.
    I am asking the Goddess for you.
    ivy - one of your Goddessmothers

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  7. Maggie (Moonfire)July 15, 2013 at 5:08 AM

    Thanks for breaking the silence. Thanks for taking yourself seriously as worthy of care. Thanks for staying alive. So much love and light to you!

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