Hot Friday Night!

So I'm jazzed about my plans for this evening.  I'm going to a Sahaja meditation class that is a couple blocks from my house and even better, free! The way its described is like any other meditation class, but includes chakra work, so I think I'll enjoy it.  It will at least be a way to meet a few people and add something "formal" to my meditation practice. 

My plans had unexpectedly cancelled for Friday night, so instead of being bummed, I took it as an opportunity to take this class which had been on the radar for over a month.  Wish me luck!

Circle of Thanks

So the internal alchemy continues, with gratitude. 

I start my day, in the East
Giving thanks to the rising Sun.
and the Promise of Day

In the South I Hail unto triumphing Beauty
The Sun in its height of power in the mid heaven,
bestowing energy upon my toils.

At the closing of the day, the setting sun sinks to the western twilight, blazing and I, cloistered to my home, sink back into the arms of Dream. with Gratitude and Thanks At the abodes of evening, and the moon boat glides silently across its starry sea and Kephera silently leads me return to the midnight north, in the cycles of my forefathers, and that of my descendants, yet to be dreamed in earthly form. Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.    Blessed be.

So in those weird moments where I succumb to the greater over-culture, I do things like buy lipstick.  I hate wearing lipstick.  I can't ever seem to get it even, then it smears everywhere, and it tastes bad.  Its not my thing.  So I wind up accumulating all this lipstick that over the years I hardly ever use.  But, I've found a solution!  Lipstick are just mirror crayons for writing affirmations, bind runs, and drawing doodles that make me smile and remember to set my mind purposefully throughout my day.  The side benefit is I'm now using the lipstick for a purpose, instead of it sitting there, being wasted. 

My house is starting to have the feel and character I want it too.  (It only took 7 months after moving in!)  So the picture above is my dresser and personal altar, with lovely black gladiolus that didn't make it through the thunderstorms we've had this week.  They seem like such a luxury item, very chick.  I think I'm going to order another 50 bulbs for next year. 

* Poem inspired by Aleister Crowley's Liber Resh vel Helios

On a Roll

My increased frequency in blog posts was an effort to get me back into the practice of writing.  Apparently it worked.  This weekend I wrote 3,000 words and made some new headway into my book. 

Also, as I mentioned on Facebook, I am have the featured article in this quarter's Portal Magazine.  I'm also on the cover.  Of course, this means my mom had to have a copy as I am now a "cover girl!"  You can order a print copy at http://www.lulu.com/shop/marcus-katz/the-portal-issue-2/paperback/product-21078303.html

Or you can get a membership to all of their offerings on their website at www.magickaschool.com. 

I'm really hoping to keep chipping away at it until I see this project to completion.

I'm also reading books with others in a Spirituality focused book study group.  This month's book is Tending the Earth, Mending the Spirit: The Healing Gifts of Gardening by Connie Goldman and Richard Mahler.  Reading this book has kept me thinking about my garden and I even have to water my flowers before I can sit down to read.  I jokingly told Craig yesterday that I must be Hermione, needing homework assignments to keep me going, but either way, its good to have things to look forward to.

Blessings!

Forgiveness

My big word in December was compassion. I started doing healing heart work.  Then everything fell apart into an apocalyptic darkness of anger, fear, blame and chaotic upheaval.  All of that ended, thank goodness.

Now, my big word is forgiveness, my mother might say that my word should be folding, (the only household chore I detest), however, that is not my word--it's forgiveness.  Our counselor said that he had a certification in forgiveness and my internal response was, "is this wanker for real?!?"  I'm really glad that comment stayed internally in my head and I didn't share out loud.  So, fast forward through the negativity, the snarky sarcasm, and the pain...  I read Forgive for Love by Peter Lustin.  It is an incredible book based on real scientific research rather than New Agey aphorisms.  It helped, the process is hard.  I need to read the book again, already.

Then A New Earth by Eckert Tolle was recommended by my friend Cecile.  It had some really interesting things to say about the ego, acceptance, observation, and more.  Then I got it into my head that I needed to start studying the Course in Miracles, which is all about the ego and forgiveness.  I am reading ancillary books like Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein, and even plan on attending some of her workshops.  Her next one that I'm attending is in Montauk on August 5th.  http://gabbyb.tv/spirit-junkie-sati-at-surf-lodge.  I'm really looking forward to a special day by the sea. 

So this week I got to the chapter on forgiveness in Spirit Junkie, and I got stuck.  It is a difficult process.  How the author did it was got on her knees and kept praying.  I have been on my knees sanding and weeding, but not praying so much.  I'm going to do a lot more praying.  I struggled, I complained, I cried, then finally a read a phrase that made the tension release for a moment:  loving truth.  Gabrielle speaks about how the pain and hurt from holding the grudge and maintaining the refusal for forgiveness amplified the illusion of separation and encouraged her own internal darkness, not allowing for her loving truth to shine through.  Agog! 

The stillness, solace, and quiet I experienced in seperating myself from the environment I had grown so attached made so much of what I was experiencing seem mad and useless.  The focus had been on the ego's need to be right.  Phrases like "owning your part", "taking responsibility for your contribution", and "being able to hear others' hard truths", had been paramount in this process.  The phrase "loving truth" made the phrase "hard truth" so much more absurd.  My therapist kept reitterating that its not about blame and not about what you should do.  It's about what you are doing and focusing on the present moment, not judging, or obsessing about the past, or what anyone else is doing, but what you can do.  The only thing you can control is yourself, and that is only in part. 

Merciful, beneficent king, show us your ways of loving kindness, acceptance, forgiveness, and joy.  May the blue light of your sphere bring us peace.  Hail Chesed.

the Tides of Wyrd

I just realized that the dreams  I've been having lately are about being in the process of the tides of my wyrd changing.  Wyrd is the tapestry of your actions through time, the weaving of your karma, per say.  (It's a little more complicated than that, but that will suit our purposes for this post).  So, my dreams include me donning leather armor and taking charge during an Apocalypse and helping and rescuing people, and my cats.  ;-)  I've had other dreams, a lot of them, about driving, paddling, biking, and swimming through new territories or across bridges.  In another dream, that was part of a reoccurring theme, I was able to ascend a staircase I had never completed before.  I am not afraid in these dreams.  I am also not looking for help, but doing what is my responsibility, charge, right, and ability to do. 

I realized that in fact, the actual tides of my life are changing in a turbulent, watery way.  The pull will flow in a different way and what was will fall away to what will become. 

We live in interesting times. 

at the end of desire

The first thing I memorized when I decided to try Wicca was the last few verses of the Charge of the Goddess.

--For if that which you seek you do not find within, you will never find without.  For I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire. 

Being a very ambitious person, these words rang true as very wise and pertinent.  Those words ring in my ears often.  They are my constant reminding teaching of where to look for that which I need to seek.

I made a couple of critical mistakes when I took the oaths to start a coven in 2011.  I felt pressured that I was unable to start my family as well as a coven and shouldn't try.  I complied, being a person obsessed  with outside approval and acceptance--anything to make others in positions of authority satisfied and praise me.  In order to ignore the alarm of my biological clock, as well as the spirit voice of my unborn child, I banished the spirit and cut myself off from communication from my Higher Self.  Those voices were a nag, and I cut them off.  The problem was, when you cut yourself off from any part of you, you either suffer soul loss, or that part of you creates a tension that show us as imbalance in all of your life.  

I knew it was bad.  I knew it was bad with tears streaming down my face during the singing of a chant about Love led by Katrina Messenger.  I knew it was bad kneeling at Hecate's feet, afraid to look at my potential and my future that awaited me.  I knew it was bad when I started to become more anxious and my Middle Self took more control.  

Now I know that I don't have to wait for things to right themselves again.  This harvest year, is that of integration, listening to all parts of myself, and of love and acceptance, forgiveness, and joy.  

One breath at a time.  The pulsing of the eternal now.  Blessed be.

Great Expectations - our Temple project

Through the dust:  Sanding the wall.

So my remodeling project of my temple space continues.  In June I tore down old linoleum (read circa 1945), and pulled cork boards and mirror tile off the wall circa 1967.  Starting in July I have started sanding the walls to remove and smooth the adhesive from the cork board.  This weekend I'll be cleaning, priming, and painting the two small walls.

I also need to prime a portion of the floor which will have the floor boards painted dark brown, and finally order the carpet tiles.

Craig and I are renting this place and I've found some responses from friends that don't understand why we are sinking money into a house we don't own.  I am really going to get a lot of enjoyment out of the space once we finish the work.  All of the work will take less than $500 to complete.  We will not be in the position to buy for many years.  Is it all that odd that we will spend a little money for something that will give us lots of enjoyment?

the color I'm planning to pain the accent walls.

I have spent a lot of time day dreaming and planning out this space.  This space was one of the main reasons we wanted this house since we do so much group ritual and ritual work.  I have been collecting photos for my ideas on my Pinterest, which you can find here:  Ravencroft Temple Room Pin Board.

I've been doing a lot of reading, thinking, and meditating on mindfulness this year.  One of the key proponents of Buddist mindfulness meditation is that you have to invite the stillness into your home.  Many do this with a spot, or dedicated room if you are so luck to have an altar for honoring listening, stillness, and peace.  This will be my peaceful retreat, my haven.  I'm getting antsy to go ahead and get it done with so it can stop being so dirty and dusty and start being wonderful!

Blessed be.

Purify and Protect

Leave your fear at the doorstep and I will sweep it away.  Purify yourself, and dedicate yourself, now free of your burdens that you will be able to do your True Work. 

Merry Meet.

Impermanence

Today was so different than yesterday I am blessed for living through the day.  Yesterday  I struggled with mistakes in my work in my job and fretted over separation and loneliness.  I was miserable and angry.  It took me a very long time to sleep. 

I dreamt about a boy I knew in High School that died from leukemia before he graduated.  He and I walked through dangerous city blocks together, to go from working back to home.

Today, I have returned home.  Today I am still. Work was successful and fulfilling.  I am satisfied in the still, balmy summer evening.  My thoughts are at peace and I can exhale. 

I look forward to returning to my dreams tonight.  The sun's path grows dark and the moons path takes up the baton and I glide in the moon boat, down the river, and toward the safe harbor of the saltybay. 

Breaking the Silence

I've always been really vocal about things that many people shy away from.  I believe that if we keep the things we struggle with to ourselves we can't get help.  Maybe even more importantly if we are silent, others going through the same struggle may feel they are totally isolated and have nowhere to turn.

I've always been forthright about my struggles with Seasonal Affective Depression.  I've also freely admitted to being a wee bit high strung (understatement) and a perfectionist.  This March, due to a lot of external stressors that built up, they became the straw that broke the camel's back.  The Hebrew letter Gimel comes to mind.  So, in that vein, I had a major lesson to learn, and from that, later plan on repeaping the just reward from that hard earned lesson.

In a moment of hopelessness, I let the depression get the better of me and became suicidal.  However, in the hours that followed, I also had a moment of clarity where I felt there was too much potential for myself and my future to give up, and I realized I needed help.  After 3 days in the hospital I plunged back into the world.  Those days were the most real days  I have maybe ever experienced.  I made one promise at Ostara, to clean up my life.

Now, 4 months later, 4 med changes later, 4 psychiatrists, 3 social works, nurses, and a wonderful psychologist helping out, I am wondering about the future.  My relationships with lovers, my parents, sisters, and friends have changed.  I left the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel, which for all extents and purposes had been the home I had grown up in.  I no longer am a member of a coven for the first time since I was 19.  Yet, I have not lost my faith, my skills, my relationships with my Gods.

Now I have a deeper lesson to learn of patience, courage, and steadfastness.  This process cannot be rushed; not through loneliness, frustration, or sheer force.  I find my life, quiet, open, and free.  There is stillness in this waiting.  It is not inaction, but shift from one stage to another--a metamorphosis.

I wonder if all of this is necessary for all life stage transitions.  Is the lessons after achieving the degree of High Priestess, Black Belt, graduate degrees, etc. all about the solitary journey of become one's one master and teaching from within?  Time will tell....

Praise for Advanced Planetary Magick - Jason Miller

I hope you had a good Independence Day holiday, for those of you in the US.  I sure did.  It was much needed downtime that I spent cleaning and organizing from my move beginning of the year. Mostly I was just relaxing with the hubby and the cats and hiding from the boiling heat outside!

I also got the chance to read a handful of books.  The most notable, was the e-chapbook, Advanced Planetary Magick by Jason Miller.  You can find a link to it here:  http://www.inominandum.com/blog/advanced-planetary-magic-now-for-sale/  This book is a little gem of a piece that instead of calling itself advanced and then going over the same old intro stuff, skips the intro stuff and goes into the nuts and bolts of doing planetary magick, sigils, the kamea, so on.  Jason adds in lots of references as he writes, so that you know which classic texts and systems to which he's referring.  (I have to say that not using references is my ultimate pet peeThree Books of Occult Philosophy (De Occulta Philosophia libri III). 
ve with Paganism).  So, you can go into the references and read up with the classics we all should have in our libraries, such as the

He explains the planetary hours and the nature of each of the planets.  If you aren't in the mood to calculate planetary hours, there are great planetary hour apps.  I use the Magickal Clock, written by my good friend Mark Pemburn.  https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/magickal-clock/id417133252?mt=8 

The final portion of the books has 49 invocations for the planets and their cross planetary correspondences.  Starting today Jason, and others who have bought his book will be invoking these energies on their corresponding hours for 49 days.  I'm looking forward to it.  Hope you will too.  Let me know how it goes!

Crystalization

Isn't it funny how you can be presented with the same old information for the upteenth time and suddenly-KABAM! Something precipitates and comes together in a way that hadn't before. 

Today I was slogging along through an enormous amount of work, and the personal process I'd been working on shot foreward into my consciousness with a new perspective.  Suddenly, although I can't say I have any new ideas, there seems to be a resolution where I can start the trek forward.  The new moon is shining in my soul.

Blessed be!

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for that fabulous feeling of not being sick.  You don't realize how great feeling "okay" is until right after you've really been sick for a few days.  I had a cold that turned south last week, leaving me with cold sweats, memory loss, dizziness, aches, you name it.  After antibiotics and sleeping all weekend I'm feeling not even 100%, but it still feels like a million bucks!

We don't excell without challenge, without some pain and suffering.  Only through a little bit of discomfort can we grow.  We don't recognize good, untill it is either really bad, or we have been through some pain to get there.

Is life butterflies and rainbows? Sometimes, then again, without some storms, we don't get rainbows. So, let's toast to the storms and the following rainbows. :-)