Sunday, July 10, 2016

When the dank chill of fog dissipates, dawn will shed the light of a new day

So its been a little over 3 weeks since in the wake of the attack at Pulse and the throws of Mars retrograde in Scorpio, that my love life annihilated itself.  Considering that Pulse was a venue at which we were regulars and it was less than a mile from my house, the community dealt with living in a trauma field for a while.  Most of that has ebbed at this point.  Trauma fields activate personal traumas so it is not surprising that the combination of local trauma and astrology caused perturbations in my most intimate personal relationships too.

Yet, what bothers me most is that once that train got going, I couldn't stop it.  I just stood there on the side of the tracks and watched, anticipating in horror the inevitable destruction.  I also had the awareness of scales falling off my eyes.  I became disillusioned with the shared vision and could no longer deny the hard truth that my therapist and I had been monitoring for months.  I recognized both the unhealthy pattern and the escalation of its manifestations.  Furthermore it was confirmed very clearly in my dreams.

It's funny.  You listen to psyche and try to adhere to its mandates, but then doing so causes systemic suffering and grief.  Going "cold-turkey," no contact in order to fully break the connection, frankly, has sucked.  (Yay therapy!)  My desire to reach out has been like an addict in withdrawal.  I suppose that is the perturbation of the complex that is causing the discomfort, not the psyche itself.

A friend posted something this morning that really struck me.  (I'm not naming her out of privacy, but if she wants, I'll give credit).
i wanted more, i needed less
i wanted more
i needed less

Such is the dance of desiring connection with people who are emotionally unavailable to bond in the way I desire most.  I can't give up hope that I will learn better.  I must learn a better way.

I went to a concert soon after and listened to a song about chasing your dreams.  I realized that was me.  That was the story arc moving me toward the future and keeping hope in my heart.  That is the big difference this time with my last heartbreak.  I have something bigger than myself that is worth living for.  That is what keeps me from despair and utter regret.

So now, I am in limbo, waiting, counting the days.  I am taking it a day at a time, like an alcoholic on the wagon.  Choose good foods.  Go to bed at the right time.  Work hard. Workout hard.  Don't think too much.  Don't cry too much. Keep up a good face.  Just keep swimming.  You've survived worse.  This too will pass.

This is grueling and uncomfortable.  Either I work through it and move on, or I sink back down into the dark place.  I don't need to go back there.  I know what waits on the darkside and it's not worthwhile, nor generative.

When the dank chill of fog dissipates, dawn will shed the light of a new day.

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