Monday, July 18, 2016

Post Mortem

So for the past few weeks I've been doing a post mortem of my recently completed relationship.  I was in a really good place in May and had started writing and researching more for my own edification.  I decided I was confident enough to start sharing thoughts on my blog again.  It seems like, yes, in fact, I had found my voice again and had worthwhile things to say. 

For a year or so after my huge breakthrough from NJ, I didn't have much to say.  All my energy had to go into rebuilding a healthy ego after the ego death I had suffered.  Later, I had hesitated for many months, concerned that my boyfriend wouldn't take it well.  In fact, my blog and online support system was one of the things he was unhappy about. 

I know this much.  I will never isolate myself the way I had in NJ.  I've been through too much to compromise the healthy practices and healthy boundaries I've set up for myself. 

I've talked about my process as one of recovery.  This is not from a place of victimization and blame, but one of growth and learning.  It's good to finally have found a really good therapist who is helping me do the forensics necessary to dissect the root causes of unsolved issues in my life.  Knowing this, it is not surprising that I am changing and this has caused upset in some of my personal relationships.  I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life; mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

I also used to think that finding your life work was a symbolic metaphor for engaging in life and finding satisfaction, meaning, and a sense of purpose.  I am currently at a place where I think that I might have a pretty well defined purpose that has been informed by life circumstances throughout my entire life.  From what I can see right now, it looks like this:

To redefine gender roles and the generalized statements about gender and sexuality that negatively impact our society.  To empower women and men find new ways of interacting from a place of generative gender identity.  To refute classic literature that bases its premise in Victorian sexual and gender theory.  To call out malignant gender assumptions that are currently exacerbating patriarchal wounds. 

All of this is about finding common ground and new modes of socially acceptable behavior.  It is about taking responsibility for yourself and your community.  It is about healthy power and empowerment.  I'm looking forward to tackling big questions and hopefully doing some worthwhile work to help heal the Western soul.  

1 comment:

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