When I was hanging out with the OTO in 2008-2009, it was fun to learn about a different magickal school system and geek out on Qabala with people who were interested in such arcane systems. Many times Pagans are not interested or aware of their magickal roots. One guy, after observing me for a while asked me, "what are you? I thought you were Wiccan, but now I'm not sure." I laughed, enjoying the effects of the glamories I was trying that day, and told him, "Wiccan....well, from a tradition that takes a lot from ceremonial magick and the lodge systems."
After going through a Minerval initiation and a class on Minerval symbolism, I decided that the OTO was not my thing. It didn't help that every time i attended something someone asked me, letcherously, when i would be the priestess for the Mass. I threw myself deeply into my own Tradition, gaining a sense of belonging and a sense of purpose there.
Now that I am no longer a member of the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel, I find myself, a 3rd degree, trained in a system of which I am no longer a member, from a stream of magick I can no longer access. Yes I am Wiccan, technically. I am much more interested in high ritual magick than I am in ecstatic witchcraft. I have just about nothing in common with most Pagans. I could care less that this month's full moon is on a Friday the 13th. That smacks of superstition with no basic in magickal theory.
Where does that leave me? If I form a coven or lodge, then I will be starting with no lineage or informed school of magick. That is the Pagan way, but seems to do a disservice to the initiatory mysteries from how I see it. I could join another school, and learn a new system, but that seems unnecessary. I also fear following any leader or system blindly or fanatically as I had done before. I have also seen what Tradition hopping does to people. The answer is not outside of me. It is within.
All in all, I don't know what I want. How do you do anything if you don't know your Will? So far I have tried to be patient and been following my nose. Healing takes time, self-care, and all that rot. I know pushing too hard and too fast is actually perfectionism or a form of self-hatred. It can also be laziness. I finish a new book proposal and decided not to submit it. I am teaching and leading Wiccan rituals but am mainly enjoying the friendship rather than the ritual or magickal engagement. I am loosing my religion is some ways. And in some ways, that particular religious path is completely over for me.
I started this to find truth and to find peace with God. I found that and still have it. Magick gave me confidence and the ability to get results when I am so motivated. I still have that too. What I don't have is a great sense of purpose anymore. Ego death is good. So is leaving the guilt, obligations, the oaths and oath breaking.
What's next? The end of desire.