Friday, May 30, 2014

Walking in the Now

I haven't been posting much.  I've had a lot of vacillations lately as I've been building a new life for myself and have been spending less time ruminating over the past.   I've felt very grateful for the challenges and changes I've made as I become comfortable with a new way of walking in the world.   

I have found that I am less invested in interactions, in a healthy way.  I can maintain my boundaries with confrontation, getting bent out of shape, or even needing to explain myself.   Recently I had a flat conversation with someone that ended with me knowing my message was not heard, possibly not even my words remembered or processed consciously at all.  At first, I felt guilty for not trying harder to communicate and make sure I my meaning was understood.  Then I was able to release it, step back from it, and realize that those who are not listening, will never hear you.   Those who have not ears to hear....   I decided I was not responsible for their process, what they think they heard or wanted to hear instead.   It completely wasn't my problem.  Or as Jeff, my therapist would have said, NMFP (not my f-ing problem).  This realization that not only did I understand but was able to put into action, not reaction, was like releasing one of Jacob Marley's shackles.  This has been an ongoing struggle for me in my life.  Several instances of this issue have surfaced in the past month for me with various people. 

I don't need anyone to agree with me, understand me, listen to me.  I've seen people react to me who practice this energy.  It used to unnerve me and I would misread it.  I get it now.   

I have no idea what I'll be doing 5 years from now.  So much is changing.   Being a witch is in my bones, that is part of me no matter what form my practice takes.  I am creative and am overjoyed with the creative process that is rising from the ashes this year.  I am thrilled with the Educational endeavor I am on with the Assisi Institute.    As I go to new places and meet new people, I am finding that social anxiety is not going with me. I am not trying to make grand plans for the future but follow my bliss and follow the energy of creating presence-- the joy that unfolds when you are engaged in purpose.  

There are a few things guiding me along the way:

I am patient and gentle with myself
Am I being mindful? Am I fully present?
Am I breathing?

1 comment:

  1. Blessed be. My belief is that we eventually come into our own, hear our own direction, and begin to speak and act it. I've recently walked through my own darkness (again -- enlightenment doesn't only happen once, its a process in my life) and found that my personal craft includes many aspects -- a clear and compelling Divine Feminine that is always the guiding center, but also aspects of my Irish, German, Scottish, and Native American heritage; as well as some Buddhist teachings that are absolutely right for me. And, even more, my life tragedies and successes are reflected, including my personal struggles with purpose, addiction, and presence.

    I'm so very glad for you that you are finding your way. Thank you for sharing your journey. I believe that this speaking of our truths sometimes helps others to speak their own.