Instead of feeling pain and loss I felt joy. I saw where I've been, where I am, and visions of what I want for my future. I realized connection with Magickal folk is of utmost importance to me. I have not lost my religion or world view. How that will develop I have no idea.
One of the things that's bothered me in Florida is that the seasons are subtle and different in the subtropics. Yes, the zodiacal wheel of the year applies but seasonal changes are not congruent with typical Wiccan practice. I thought I'd get some Mabon flavor up North. I did. But I made another connection too. The Celtic fae I'm familiar with are not present in this area.
I shared a story at the con about my mom while she was in hospice. She kept speaking about the big black man in her bathroom. She also kept saying she had to go and had me help her stand for hours until she had to lay down due to complete exhaustion. The next day I saw and felt this presence she mentioned. It was the figure of a large black man with a top hat dressed in all black. I knew this figure was an opener of the death gates, a guide for her. I accepted his presence and helped her accept her work. I also evoked her mother to come help her over too.
At the conference I talked about how a representation of The Baron didn't make sense to me as my family is Celtic by heritage and I have never worked with Voodun energy.
It occurs to me today that is about my location and how not connecting with these traditions further isolated me from local Magickal sources. I had thought I was ill-suited to voodoo. I wonder.
I feel competent and hopeful. I am peeling back deeper layers of grief and that's ok. I want the world and won't settle for less.