I have always set impossible, perfectionist standards for myself. That's part of my baggage whether it be in my birthchart, part of my upbringing, or the childhood fixation with trying to be more like Jesus. I have worked in the past 10 years on allowing myself to play. I don't enjoy past-times for the most part unless I feel they have a beneficial outcome like growing my relationships, making me physically healthier, or learning something.
In the past few years I have been so close to so major life goals that I have been driven into hyper drive. I have enjoyed the adventure with my partner of the past 4 years as we pushed each other and our limits to strive forward. I have noticed that there is a cycle after big rituals and intensive weekends where 2 days later I would mentally and emotionally crash. I have had to start allowing myself the murky low of dropping off of the ecstatic joy of the weekend. I try not to plan anything during that day, get more sleep, and excuse my blue mood. When I started to take this approached, it no longer seemed like something was wrong.
Much of my internal dialog during these lows would seem along the lines of "I'm so depressed! What's wrong with me? I can't do this!" I have started to be able to tell this voice, "you are just tired, and that is okay. Be gentle!" So now, instead of "what is wrong with me?" I now am able to discern, that this is what tired feels like and it can be grumpy and blue. Its okay not to be productive when I'm tired. I need rest in these instances. I was reminded of a song that I heard when I was a teenager. This song allowed me to give words to a need to be alone and recharge. It gave me words to permit myself to not always be on my "A" game.
This type of self-care led to an epiphany this weekend. Underlying my activities, studies, my achievements was a small voice that wondered during the winter, in the darkness, "What's wrong with me?" This voice wondered with all the discipline, practice, and spiritual endeavors, why did I feel that deep down inside, there was something broken. I was reminded of the words of Frank MacEowen, that that deep urge inside is the spiritual longing for connection. This weekend, I connected with a deeper understanding of the Qabalistic Fall. The fall, the disconnect is not personal, its a human condition. It is not something that is wrong with me, its that seed of discontent and the urge of connection within every human on this planet.
I don't have to sit and examine my wound and forever focus on how or why I have the hangups I do. I am excited to have one more tool to soothe when I'm tired, when I feel alone, when I am grumpy. I am surrounded by strong, incredible people that all seek connection and evolution as well. We are aware and yet allow us to be gentle with ourselves, without excuses.