tribute to Jack Kornfield

The past year has been one of the most life-altering, faith affirming years I have ever had. It has been one of many joys, exhilerations, and tears. I have been a part of events I quit hoping were possible. When your grasp on reality changes so much in such a short time span, you are left reeling, with the clouds of dust around you.

Jack Kornfield wrote a book called After the Ecstasy the Laundry. I read it as part of my degree work in 2003. I didn't really care for the book much but I think back on its several themes often.

This year, after the most joyous of years, I feel into the worse SADD I've ever experienced. For a while I was drowing, but thank the Gods, my Love pulled me out of the water. Since then, I've been treading water sometimes and at others doggy paddling. I am cold and tired and hope not to sink again, not seeing, but hoping I'm getting closer to shore.

One of the major themes of the book is that after one hits the point of Enlightenment, then one has to return to the world and the daily mundane chores of life. The author went away to a Buddhist temple for months, gained this blissful connection with God but came home and found that American middle class life seemed empty and felt like he'd lost the connection to Enlightenment. His point is that we have to work on it, day in and day out, to always search out those blissful, connected moments.

Esoterically, the dark parts of life are called the Dark Night of the Soul. I cannot say that I am having a large dark night of the soul, but maybe more of a personal dark of the moon. When the ground becomes bright green I'll be through with it and I'll have to remember to be kind to myself for a while. I struggle with the guilt of being tired or the waves of emotion that I seem unable to subvert. Yet, I know its okay to feel, to really feel, and I know that at least I don't suppress all emotion like I used to.

Without the dark, there is no light. We lack the keys to experience joy if we are afraid to get hurt or to deal with growing pains. We have to turn inward to face the dark parts of ourselves if we are to understand ourselves and to touch the mystery.

This is the first time I've put pen to paper to touch on this since I hit rock bottom on December 28th. I'm doing the best I can and everything is up from here.

I plan on using Ego Likeness Lowest Place on Earth as my theme song for a while.

On letting go

Toward the beginning of the year I started pulling Raido, the rune of travel and journey. The past year has definately been one of transition. Everything in my life has changed; the state I live in, my job, my lovers, my coven, and many of my friends.

Since Samhain, (October 31st, the Celtic new year) I started receiving the message of "let go, trust, give in entirely". Whether it be subverting the ego, trusting the Gods, or even just not trying to plan things, all of my lessons deal with trust and disengagement with outcome.

It is scary, unknown, and and grows in an utterly dark place, deep within the earth. I revisit the same old winter themes. Ravens, the Morrigan, Brigid--Keeper of my Hearth, culling for renewal, and dreams.

I suffer from Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder. I have moved yet again, further north and wait for the sun to return. I rest, and dream, like a tree. Hoping for gnosis in the dark.

Blessed be.

I've decided that I'm going to call my home the Northlands. We got 7 inches of snow Friday, then a little Sunday morning. Driving home from Seelie court Sunday, we went through a lot of beautiful, but treacherous ice.Yule was fabulous. I had more energy than normal and the keening felt like an estatic, orgasmic, birthing. It didn't hurt, but I did release. Yesterday Q and I led the NJPF (NJ pagan Fellowship)'s Yule at our house. It was a nice ritual and heartfelt too. The fresh greenery smelled and looked wonderful. I'm finally in the Xmas spirit. I gave Q. his Yule gift and it took him a little while to realize which book I gave him, The well and the Tree to add to our special book collection. He was so excited he tried to read it before falling asleep last night. I crashed after ritual though. I was exhausted, cold, and a bit raw. I was even confused. Today, I feel like an empty husk.

I guess that's okay if I feel like I've birthed something into the world. Moving forward I guess its a matter of seeing what things will enter into this new space. I hold my light close to me, away from the wind. I turn 27 tomorrow. There is so much that will happen next year:Start teaching workshops for the ASWlead a qabalah study for the Fellowshipaspect a sphere for the Walking the Tree weekendfinish my 2nd degree work and hopefully be initiatedleave GWS officially and join CotLS.gain a ACSR designation at workand who knows what else! Blessed Yule everyone!

Last night I aspected right before going to bed. Maybe I should have eaten something afterwards.This morning before I woke up I was dreaming of teaching qabalah. I was discussing an aspect of manifestion as we go down through the paths. I was looking at a glowing image of the tree made out of copper and iron and tin. Someone said something as they were not understanding which angle I was approaching the topic. I reminded them "remember what Mimir said, 'the order of the universe is structured only in this order'". I woke up suddenly thinking who the hell is Mimir? I looked it up. Beheaded god, kept by Odin to tell of the mysteries. In old English, Mimir means "The rememberer, the wise one". Q. chided me for mixing qabalah with Norse lore. I kinda feel like its different ways of looking at the same world tree.Still an exciting way to start the day!so, in honor of that idea, I will sing Great Mystery all day long.As Above So BelowSpirit And MatterIn A Dance So SlowAs Within So WithoutGreat MysteryThat Spirals In And OutSecret Glory, Hidden By NothingThrice Blessed, Thrice Called,Thrice Revealed By Ivo Domínguez, Jr.

This morning after 8:30 I was driving to work, watching the sunrise over Manhattan and the shipping yards. The clouds were glowing pink and I wondered if on one of the shortest days of the year, the sun, in its weak brilliance was that much more appreciated. The clouds above reminded me of the San Francisco bay on a stormy day. I felt blessed that I knew what a bay across the country at another ocean, looks, feels, and smells like.I am tired and weary. I understand why people go away to fancy spas to relax, not have to clean, cook or do anything other than rest and be pampered. I wonder if caffiene would help me slog through the day or if I really dislike my job in all honesty. I worry the pinching in my neck will turn into a migrane. Today I packed up my tools, charcoal, incense and candles for a house blessing and some prosperity work. I am going to pamper my friend and help her through a hard time. The rituals, the tools, the greater sense of connect helps. It doesn't mean life isn't still hard. I'm going to sing "I never promised you a rose garden" today and float through the day. I'm enjoying my studying, filing pictures, graphs, and putting together my thesis for my lecture. I'm proud of myself for discerning what is true to me and what angle I want to take on research and theories. Last night I dreamt that one of my Elders, came up to me at a huge Spring Magick gathering and said "young lady, you better have your robe." I smiled and replied "I have my robe, tabbard, cords, shoes--good to go". "and a sword?" "I have an axe!"

I picked up my executioner's axe and went about my merry way, giving a penetrating stare as it was quite silly yet intimidating to see 5'1" me carrying such a huge weapon.


Fear me for I am frightful!

Resolutions

Last year, I was sort of befuddled and didn't make any resolutions. I did later on in the year put it out to the universe that I wanted a couple of things.

1. In July I promised myself to get over my fears of being dominate and switch roles in a scene. I did and it was easy and successful.

2. In September, I decided that I was in the market for a girlfriend. Check!

This year, I've decided what a good resolution would be. A real accounting of my ritual and spiritual practice. I combined everything in a binder this year which I fill file after Yule. This year, I want to make more notes of every ritual and important dreams and add pictures of altars and special events to it. It will be a scrap-booked BOS of sorts. I bought the scrapbook itself over a year ago. Time to start using it, religiously (smirk)