Sunday, January 29, 2017

Musings from Sunday morning heartbreak

Love is a phenomenon that has been written about so much over the ages, most songs, plays, and many art pieces try to capture its ephemeral qualities.  For me, love is a quest, a mission that I keep seeking.  Intuitively I know I have huge lessons here and therefore the possibility of huge boons, yet, it seems to be the one part of my life I can't get right.

Some of this is that I grew up in a household that was non-traditional in some ways.  Yes, I grew up in a family with a mother and a father, 2 kids, a dog and a cat.  However, my mother was not a typical woman.  She was uber intelligent, strong-willed, and was intensely the head of household.  The rest of us lived in her world.  My father treated my mother as an equal with respect and admiration.  Everyone had privacy and free reign to live their lives as they saw fit. 

This situation is contrary to what I have experienced in heterosexual relationships I've been in.  My main lesson here is that love does not imply ownership.  How do you get someone to leave you alone in a club?  The most effective is to say "I have a boyfriend,"  It means I'm taken.  This language implies that you are owned by a man.  Most of the time I have found that when someone says, "I love you," what they are actually saying is, "I want you to need me," or "I want to own and keep you as part of my world."  Yet, what is also implied with this language is that the woman is to fit within his world and accommodate him as a kept entity within those confines, but he does not also want to bend, change, and develop in ways that will equally fit within her world.  The patriarchal tradition of the woman changing her name is a good example of this idea. 

The problem is I saw my parents as co-creating a life together.  Both followed their dreams and desires and worked toward common goals like any joint-venture.  They also tried to help each other in those endeavors.  Not following my dreams and sacrificing my life goals for the sake of someone else seems like slavery to me.  One thing my High Priest really tried to hit home with me is that moving from maiden to mother aspect would imply sacrificing my desires for the good of the group.  I made sacrifices that hurt my life purpose and made me miserable.  I want someone who thrills in my success and can be boosted from it, not someone who tries to share in their misery at a broken, miserable level. 

It's a slippery slope, giving up things.  You have to decide where is too much?  One night of not enough sleep?  A little too much out of this or that budget?  Getting your feelings hurt?  Where does it end? 

I'm a person with varying tastes.  I enjoy a lot of experiences.  I can enjoy things I have in common with someone and therefore am pretty flexible and accommodating.  However, when I get to places where I cannot compromise, since I jive well with so many other phenomenon, it is seen as a rejection and a lack of commitment.  In a way it is as if part of my world does not fully fit within someone else's.  Imagine a Venn diagram here.  There are plenty of overlapping areas, yet, my world/personality cannot be subsumed into someone else's.  I'm completely okay with maintaining my personality, friends and interests that vary from someone else's.  However, that doesn't seem to be acceptable in a heterosexual relationship. 

The goddess Artemis is called the Virgin Huntress.  Virgin in this context is not one who has not had sex, but a woman who is not owned by a man.  She is beholden to no man.  Can I maintain full individuality and person-hood and also experience relationship?  Is conjunctio only possible by the losing of one's self-hood to the will of another?  Can it be a joint effort like the concerted efforts of a canoe or tandem bicycle rather than a 2 headed monster joined at the hip? 

Lilith wanted joining her way.  She wanted to be on top at times.  She had desires and she communicated them.  Adam couldn't handle this other creature so God made him a new partner that was created from his rib.  Eve was made as a small part of Adam rather than as a separate person.  In this way I am a child of Lilith.  I demand better and refuse to lose my self-hood to be subsumed by a man's world.  I say this unapologetically.



What do I want from romantic love?  Someone to chat with over coffee, and hug at night.  Someone to share my pondering with on the great mysteries of life.  Someone to help each other be healthy and be successful.  Someone who sees me and knows me and can say when I'm not myself.  I don't want someone to create an "us against the world" attitude with, but I joining of forces and power, life energy---an amalgamation and synthesis that creates a new 3rd force to send out into the world. 

It's time for me to read All About Love by Bell Hooks again. 




Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Perspective and Reality and Black and White Thinking

In the process of intellectual discourse lately, I was trying to explain the origin of the term metaphysics. It comes to us from Aristotle who used this term as the title of the sequel to the book he wrote called Physics. The term Metaphysics was literally that which is beyond Physics, meaning what is next.
By the time Aristotle was writing, the tradition of Greek philosophy was only two hundred years old. It had begun with the efforts of thinkers in the Greek world to theorize about the common structure that underlies the changes we observe in the natural world. Two contrasting theories, those of Heraclitus and Parmenides, were an important influence on both Plato and Aristotle. 
Heraclitus argued that things that appear to be permanent are in fact always gradually changing. Therefore, though we believe we are surrounded by a world of things that remain identical through time, this world is really in flux, with no underlying structure or identity. By contrast, Parmenides argued that we can reach certain conclusions by means of reason alone, making no use of the senses. What we acquire through the process of reason is fixed, unchanging and eternal. The world is not made up of a variety of things in constant flux, but of one single Truth or reality. Plato’s theory of forms is a synthesis of these two views. Given, any object that changes is in an imperfect state. Then, the form of each object we see in this world is an imperfect reflection of the perfect form of the object. For example, Plato claimed a chair may take many forms, but in the perfect world there is only one perfect form of chair.
I really like this example since it uses the classic example of the idea of chair becoming the non-idealized form. This idea is illustrated by Lon Milo Duquette gracefully in the Chicken Qabala. I think the difference between the theories of Heraclitus and Parmenides is some of the struggles that we are currently experiencing politically in this country. 
I ascribe to systems theory and believe that everyone has a personal, limited perspective and we all sense the world through varied senses, lenses, and interpretative senses. I think many interpretations are valid and useful. Many people come to different conclusions based on their own system of values. This does not make any one conclusion better or more right than another. When these conclusions are hurting other people, that is where the line is drawn. Furthermore if the belief becomes maladaptive and is hurting the person holding the belief to the point they are distressed, decompensating, or not able to function is when those beliefs have to be reevaluated. 
With this said, I am concerned that the idea that there is one truth and one form of reality lends itself to people arrogantly assuming they are right and everyone else is wrong. I like that there are people with different foci on reality and the human experience. I like that people live according to different perspectives and values. I enjoy getting to know how they see things and learning from them. Only that way can we learn more of the bigger picture.  I think the desire to see the world as valid from other people's perspectives is one of the keys to multiculturalism and embracing diversity. 
My main point here is that different does not correlate with righteousness or wrongness.  This idea is a major limitation of black and white thinking.  How can anyone assume that they have more information and are less mistaken and more right than someone else?  To take the stance of debunking or refuting someone else's reality is to set up divisiveness and refute the wisdom of the shadow.  Only through embracing and integrating differences can we fully know what it is to be human.  The embracing is an illuminating inside job.  To become human, we must do so collectively.


Thursday, November 17, 2016

Self Care


The concept of self care is a big deal right now.  We live fast paced lives that instantly give us options to do more and access information instantly.  The only way to slow down is through conscious choice to do so.

Self care is stressed in the graduate program I'm in as well.  It makes total sense that mental health care clinicians need to take care of themselves to be able to prime the well and avoid burn out.

There is something about self care that eludes me though.   I have always taken the approach of work first, and play in your free time.  The assumption is that free time is free because your work is finished.  It seems to me that the concept of self care is that you have to schedule in time to take care of yourself no matter how much work you have.  Taken to an extreme, that sounds to me like shirking responsibilities or procrastinating. 

Also, some of the self care events that my student organization hosts for us are not what I would call self care.  I recognize that unstructured social time is both fun, and a necessary part of being a balanced, high functioning human being.  However, as an introvert, I don't find social interaction a way to recharge.  Recharging and doing things for me involve activities that reduce external stimulus and are calming. 

I am not saying I don't do self care.  I love cooking and do so when I just need to feel comforted.  I schedule significant time for biking and going to the gym.  Both of these are fun and good for me and help me let go of school demands for a time.  However, they also use up energy and sometimes make me tired and sore.  I am good at taking care of me by managing my domestic chores, preventative healthcare, regular haircuts, and eating and sleeping as much as I should.  I see all of these tasks as automatic givens though and don't consider these activities self care either. 

So, in my plodding, pondering, obsessive way, I am still contemplating the idea of self care.  Is my weekly therapy sessions, gym visits, or weekly long bike rides self care?  Bike riding is one of my favorite activities and I've dedicated several hours a week to it for the sake of the hobby.  This activity may be the closest I have to pure self care.

Wednesday and Thursday nights I am usually pretty brain dead since we are in class all Wednesday and Thursday from 9 to 4.  I would like to figure out activities that are self care on Wednesday and Thursday nights because I am not able to do homework.  I am also not able to read for pleasure as my eyes actually hurt after looking at Power Points for 2 days straight.  So I need ideas for things to do that don't require learning anything, reading, looking at glowing screens, are cheap, and can be recharging.  TV falls mostly into the glowing screen category.  I also don't have a lot of space for more debating or stories.  


So far I've come up with the following:
drinking tea
listening to music and burning incense
looking at artwork and pictures

sometimes TV
sometimes artwork

yoga should probably be on this list


Anybody have other suggestions for relaxing ways to recharge when you're mentally drained but not ready to sleep yet?  The here is that I'm trying to not zone out. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Regrets, time, and my damn animus


Where do regrets live?  Life is not a dress rehearsal and words can't be taken back.  Each day is a lesson, yada, yada.  There was a time when I thought I could live my life without regrets.  I thought that to act in error was better to never act at all.  I feel like I've lived a balance of not taking enough risks and taking too many risks without knowing what I was doing.

I guess every life is a blind thrashing through stormy waters, alone in the darkness.

I sacrificed a lot to follow my dreams.  I'm seeking creativity as an ideal and hoping to help people in the process.  I'm still in the trenches, ready to help those who don't have a voice.

Yet, I'm going gray.  The price of Saturn, Father Time, is hefty.  I'll be turning 35 this year.  I was 8 months old when my mother turned 35.  She won't see her grandchildren if there are any.  Maybe I'm getting too old and just have to accept that I won't get to have a career and children.  Maybe I made too wayward choices in the love department for that.  There's nothing I can do about that at this point.  I just have to note that every now and then, a couple times a year, my biological clock cries out in desperation.  I think I could be a good mom.  Maybe I'll be able to nurture maternalistically in other ways instead.  There are many paths to one's life work and legacy.

I'm still facing fears with eyes open, face on.  Still trying to make sense of everything.  I know deep inside that I'm more aligned with my life's purpose than ever before.  Several times this week I've been weepy with tender vulnerability and trust in this process of development.

I can't stop listening to this song. 



My animus speaks through songs, a fluttering of emotions, energy, and hormones.  Why is it that I still have a complex constellated around a partnership that wouldn't let me down?  You would think I would know better and be over it by now.  I fear it is this compulsion that has led me into authoritarian, controlling, manipulative pacts with people criticizing me and minimizing me.  I don't always want to sing and dance alone.  I won't give up on conjunctio.  I have faith and hope that agape is possible.

Ugh, so frustrating. 


Onward.


Wednesday, August 3, 2016

On a Personal, Omnipotent God

In December of 2004 the Indian Ocean experienced a traumatic and historic tsunamis caused by an earthquake.  This world event struck me really hard.  It was compounded that I had been having dreams about drowning in ocean waves for weeks.

I wondered "why did this have to happen?"  I realized the answer was there is no reason and there is no omnipotent force behind the weather.  There is nothing to learn from such disasters (unless we are not doing proper disaster planning on personal and governmental levels). 

Then July 5th, 2005 I woke up from nightmares again at about 5 in the morning.  This was still photographic images of bobbies and caution tape and people crying.  I then went to the spare bedroom to check my email and that exact image was the first image on my Comcast news feed.

I then started doing a lot of soul searching and dealing with Cassandra Syndrome.  What was the purpose of these dreams?  Was I supposed to be calling government officials to be warning them?  No.  That couldn't be why I was having the dreams.  I would never get through to the people that needed to hear the message and would be put on some sort of watch list or, most likely, be ignored as crazy.  I came to the conclusion, with the help of my teachers, that I was just open and picking up on wavelengths of the world.  I decided to make a pact with myself not to have prophetic dreams about anything I can't control.  It worked.  When Katrina hit that August, my connection to it was through the insurance industry and not through my dreams.

That still left me with dealing with a world that didn't seem to have any divine oversight.  From this my conception of God changed.  Until that time, I felt that God was watching over me and had an invested interest in me personally.  That was one of the Christian assumptions I had not questioned.  After those devastating tragedies, I decided that while there seems to be some sort of mathematical order to the universe and laws both physical and beyond our perceptual capacities, there is not a higher order being that is looking out for us based on our priorities.  A God that keeps black holes doing what they do doesn't care about my heartbreak or whether I live or die.  I am insignificant.

This is the similar thinking of when I get ant traps, flea medicine for the cat, or fly traps for the kitchen.  When I eat things they die-- plants or animals.  We make choices and some of those choices are tragic for others such as the ant, flea, or fly colonies I don't want infesting my home.

One of my mother's favorite songs, that we played at her funeral was one that I heard her sing solos of several times at church.  It's "His Eye is on the Sparrow," and the words go, "his eye is on the sparrow, so I know he watches me."


I think this is one of the fallacies that made me mad at an unfair, or uncaring God.  I am glad I had already crossed this bridge because it seems just as unfair to attend my 93 year old maternal grandmother's funeral and my 68 year old mother's funeral in the same year.  Why did a woman who tried to be a health nut, who was strong, and mentally capable get incurable, terminal cancer, discovered at Stage IV?  There is no reason for this.  It just is.  There is no "everything happens for a reason," or lesson to be learned.

This idea is also freeing.  It has freed me from thinking that I must always comply, that I must always try to please people.  This kind of thinking is codependent first of all, but also takes away autonomy and personal power.  Furthermore, it shift blame away from personal responsibility.  If you do what you're told, whether it be from your parents, spouse, or church, you never have to question if it is right.  That assumption spreads to not questioning the zeitgeist, or "way of the times" of popular culture.  These questions pushed me to a harder, albeit more satisfying way of self-reflection and self-examination.  It also gives one greater responsibility to speak out when something is wrong, no matter how unpopular.  I came across an idea a couple years ago that while this may not be the path of the greatest, happiness, it is one, for me, of the greatest satisfaction.  The adage basically said that you can choose whether you want an interesting life or a happy one.

 Maslow had a lot of thoughts on this.  He felt that people who were self-actualizing did not depend solely on laws or cultural values to find a moral compass, but had to listen to their own sense of morality in order to benefit society.  Self-actualization isn't easy, but it's an admiral goal to strive for.

It is these types of ideals that give me meaning, rather than adherence to lines from bible camp songs that allow me to shirk responsibility.  "Jesus loves me," (but he'd love me more if I was male and not bi, queer, what-have-you).  The implication is that if I am of Jesus's chosen people, then he loves me and I am good.  (Let's not even add to this by mentioning that if I am one of Abraham's "sons" then why don't I keep passover? Didn't understand that at all as a 6 year old).  I can ask for forgiveness of my sins and it is washed away with communion wine.  Yeah, not a world I can live with.  I live in a world where nobody is "good" or "bad".  There is no we and them.  We exist in kindness, love, compassion, limited perspective, errors, and frailty.  We strive for ourselves, our families, our ideals.  We kill microbes, bugs, food, each other, and ourselves.  We lash out and say cruel things.  Such things can have lasting consequences.  Cause and effect, action (or inaction) and consequences-- that is the world I live in.  We are all in this together, whether we can admit that or not.


Monday, August 1, 2016

Depression as a Symptom, not a Disease

I think one of the things that made my journey out of depression really difficult was that no one seemed to understand what had happened or why.  The focus seemed to be on my mental disease.  This was one thing my ex really pushed, so much so that in our marital therapy, our therapist outright had to tell my ex that I was not ill and did not have a disease.

I have done a tremendous amount of soul searching, therapy, and research since then.  I have a much broader vocabulary for expressing what I felt at the time and where it all came from.

One of the things that contributed to my decompensation was that I started reaching out to people for help.  When I did that, I was put on probation with my husband and everyone I knew and interacted with on a regular basis was told not to contact me.  I lost my entire support system and became trapped in what felt like a jail cell with the very person I was trying to get away from.

Much of what I was feeling in depression was terminal aloneness.  In this link, Lilly Hope Lucario describes perfectly the terrible loneliness I had been chronically experiencing then and after.

Another piece of it was that I felt like I was living in a war zone.  I was completely stressed out and couldn't cope.  The three cup theory perfectly illustrates what that felt like.  Stress, anxiety, and depression were symptoms.  SSRI's masked those symptoms and sedated me.  However, the meds were not fixing the problem.  In fact, if I hadn't been on medication, I would have left  4 or 5 months before I actually did.

I did learn in that 5 month period between losing trust and coming close to a nervous breakdown and actually leaving was how to stop enabling.  With the help of my therapist, we started setting boundaries, communicating my needs, and extracting myself from behaviors that enabled.  The more independence I gained, the more bizarre monitoring behavior looked.  The more I asked for positive support, the more heinous and demeaning the criticisms looked.  I began to see that as his control over me failed, the lashing out, lies, and disrespect got more characterized.

Learning not to bail anyone else out, make excuses for their inappropriate behavior, and trying not to make up for someone else's behavior has been in the mix of what I've learned.  It's difficult to unlearn bad habits that have seemed normal in all the environments I've lived in.  I'm getting better at self-reflection, self regulation and monitoring, and withdrawing from others antisocial behavior.  Part of that is about not letting the bad behavior of others reflect on your self worth.  That was a biggy for me, but I decided that people don't judge me based on what someone in my world is doing, unless I'm contributing.  The other side of that is you shouldn't be associated with someone who regularly acts like an immature, conniving bully.

So, here I am at 34, learning how to be an adult.  I am trying to be more discerning about who I associate with.  My best friends are empathetic, understanding, thoughtful, good listeners, compassionate, and open-minded.  They are all big-hearted and want to learn how to be more productive, successful, and happy members of society.  We are all learning together.  I'm going to delve much further into enabling in my future posts.  It is insidious and an easy trap to fall into.  The hard effort to chose alternative behavior is well worth it though.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Perception Shapes Reality

Most people don't think about archetypal patterns, symbolism, and the nature of the human condition.  That is okay. It doesn't make me better, it makes my interests are more abstract, philosophical, and esoteric.  Maybe I'm less pragmatic or detailed because of this.  I know I'd make a pretty paltry CPA or basketball player.  That doesn't imply better or worse. It's about priorities and focus.  

There are not good and bad people. I am aware of my good qualities, faults, fragility, and errors. Being aware of conflict and opposites within me doesn't not make me undisciplined or undiscerning, it makes me comfortable with paradox and tension. Tension can create strength, stability, and integrity.  Isn't that how suspension bridges work?

It's about perceptions.  Different awarenesses are what makes us unique and different. Some people have a great sense of pitch, or spatial arrangement, mechanics, or color, or flavors, or of conversation. That doesn't mean if if someone can't discern the subtle flavors of a wine, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.   It means they don't have the physiological capacity or cultivated palette. I have really bad allergies and therefore a bad lung capacity. I will never be a professional athlete. I don't have the aptitude. Some people don't have the capacity to do higher math.  That doesn't mean that calculus is not real, it is just outside of some peoples' awareness. We need each other for our different perspectives and gifts.  Cultural backgrounds, local customs, religious values, and ideas on politeness, all vary and are all valid.  That doesn't mean we have to agree, but we should respect where everyone is coming from. 

What do you have to offer?  How are you making a contribution?  Where do your gifts and interests lie?  Where is your perspective unique?

I'm highly sensitive to speech patterns and tonal inflections. I can often pick up on the underlying, and not overtly expressed emotional motivations of people. Sometimes I'm more aware of what someone is feeling than they are consciously.  From this, at times, I respond to unconscious communication, exposing the communicator's unconscious complexes.  As I mature and gain experience, I am learning to temper my responses so it doesn't blindside the person I'm interacting with.  These situations have also made me hyper-vigilant, which can be exhausting. Such are the boons and challenges of being an empath or highly sensitive person, HSP.  

Here's a physical example illustrating tools for precision and sensitivity.  Surgical robotic nanotechnology cannot be used in the same way as a jackhammer, crane or bulldozer. These different types of tools are used for different things and have to be handled differently. They have to be calibrated using different scales. People are the same way, having different foci, gifts, and proclivities.

Some of how we act, think, and feel is conscious.  Much of it is not. A lot of it is automatic programming based on habit, history, upbringing, culture, and personal comfort and awareness.  We wouldn't be able to function without unconscious, reflexive filtering in our environment. In fact, the main reason senior citizens have a harder time driving is a decreased ability to filter out distractions and slower cognitive processing. 

We pay attention to what we have been trained to value and ignore that which we don't have a proclivity to focus on.  It shapes our reality and our perspectives. Our interests and values create our reality. One of the beauties of being human is our differences in culture, personal histories, values, and gifts. I think we all have the challenge and mandate of learning to be less egocentric and less ethnocentric. (Nonviolent Communication is a book I think everyone should read in school.  Likewise, logic should be taught in high school).  Active listening, communication and learning styles, valuing differences, supporting each other, and non-violent communication are all tools we can use to find common ground and peacefully coexist. We can all be activists and ambassadors in this way. It's how we can strive for humanity, dignity, compassion, and grace.