Havin a Hod

Last night I had a Hod Moment, not to be confused with a Mercury Retrograde moment which is Hod backwards or Doh!

I had done some cleaning and decorating, then was getting ready for bed. I turned out most of the lights, lite a couple of candles in the bedroom to alieviate the staleness in the air from the humidity. I lied down in bed and as my head went down, I saw a bright orange flash on my dresser out of the corner of my eye. It was a brilliant spark glowing and arresting my attention. So, I sat back up to figure out what it was and as my head was at the same level, there it was again! Then I realized its origin--a tiny piece of mexican fire opal that had come in the mail today that was the center piece of the Hod disk I made as part of my model of the tree of life.

What a difference a tiny stone makes. Spendor indeed! Oh that's why they call it "fire opal" WOW. The small wooden disk seemed enlivened to me.

Balance of Hod and Netzach indeed! This whole project of constructing this model has taught me so much. Smelling incense associated with each sphere, and connecting it to the stones and gems, and even painting the planetary sigils has been monumental in my connection with the Tree. I cannot explain in words how this process works, but this process of CM has been most rewarding and enlightening.

27th Path

Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory. Falling on my head like a new emotion...

Prisons of the mind must be destroyed in order to set free the Grace of God and inspiring lighting flash of the universe-Yod. This year I have spent much of it, untethered to my normal foundations (and towers) of consciousness. I have felt alone, adrift in the darkeness. Yet, there is a light guiding my way, hail Yod. It is by this word/light that I find my way to Grace and to a new Knowing. It is by this path of Faith that I move forward, unblocked, set free, and flowing.

I have built this prison stone by stone, yet now it is shattered, Detritus at first pierces through me and I fear that I will be hurt or swept away. No longer is balance enough, now synthesis must flood through me.

If fear is seen as Pachad, then the quote "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." totally changes in meaning.

I look above at the sun. His Eye is both watching me and shining my way. I seek the point of the pyramid, for I can fly.

Gettin Wiggy with it

Well here I am. Waiting. I'm on day 3 of my fast and doing very well. I've been sick to my stomach for weeks so its felt really good to have a break. I even made dinner for Q. and the kids last night and didn't want to try anything. Last night Freya visited me. I did some shadow/mirror work. My weekend was visiting my Mother's side of the family with my mother. She processed a lot of things and needed me for support. I was really glad I had had breakthroughs this summer about emotional pain relating to my mother or I wouldn't have been able to support her through it. I feel empowered to not continue the cycle of emotionally neglectful mothers in my family. I'm going to do it better because I'm more healed, more aware, and am not afraid to change.

I looked through pictures of myself during the past 10 years. I am not that akward, haunted girl anymore. I am a woman in my own right. I am not even who I was 4 or 2 years ago. I'm greatful to Dave for giving me the safe haven to grow. I am greatful for Craig for firmly working me in his hands to stand up, face the monsters hiding in the shadows and process them. I am greatful for Freya for opening my heart to love and passion. Though I am not used to the woman I see in the mirror, I am glad to know she is there and am glad it is as her that I will walk through the rest of the days of this life, and not that confused little girl.

I feel like I'm having a coming out. Not of the closet, but of the traditional antibellum sort of where I have come of age and am now to be presented to the world. Is it late for that at 27? I don't know. That's okay though. I could have hidden in fear and doubt forever.

I'm not studying anything this week. I am taking it easy and doing a lot of nothing. I have been looking at the Havamal and Rune Poems just as a persuit rather than something with deadlines and expectations.

To everyone that has called me, thank you. It has been very helpful. Please keep them up.

"I look for the quiet"

Lots of people seem to be down in the dumps. I for one, am not one of them. I am sorry to hear that and hope things start to look up. It is July and warm and sunny, I don't have complaints here. I am stressed out, but not in a pulling-my-hair-out sort of way. I am coping, but I wish I didn't have such a low boiling point lately.

Odin is following me everywhere. The upset in my house has settled, the dreams are vivid, but relatively normal, and Odin seems to be in Chesed rather than Geborah mode. I am quite thankful. I've never had Odin not push me about. In fact, my neck has loosened up too. In a lot of ways, I have surrendered to the process and to change itself.There are ripples everywhere in my life. I dare not even look in the direction of how those ripples are affecting people around me. Things are changing, consolidating, and they will never be the same.

Opportunities are falling in my lap, I'm being rewarded for being diligent and hardworking. I am utterly amazed at the syncronicity and abundance all around me.I find myself stepping into a lot of mother roles. I am not afraid of this either. To hear my High Priest's words from a year or more ago echoing in my brain, I feel that I am guided and on the right track rather than alone or confused. I know that for the past year and a half I have been preparing for this moment. I didn't know what to expect, it surely wasn't this. I try to find the quiet and live on what's left. (Ego-Likeness)I've jumped out of the tower, to find myself caught by the very hands of God and

I no longer fear the future. The path ahead is hard, disciplined, sometimes painful, but ever magickal and rewarding. May all of us look forward toward the sun, like the Fool, ever hopeful for the next step on the Path.

boredom
floating above, ungrounded.
*breath in love, breath out connection.

panic, fear,
urgency
breath in love, breath out connection.

the fear isnt real
It is power,
waiting for an outlet.

Don't bottle it
breath in love, breath out connection.

stick to your Will,
plan, follow the future path
breath in love, breath out connection.

no limits
you are not trapped
breath in love, breath out connection.

Change is happening
This is a good thing
This void, can now be filled with the power, waiting to flow.

Yes!
breath in love,
breath out connection.

*Thank you to Thorn Coyle for her breathing meditation.

4 agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a great little book called The Four Agreements. Those agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything PersonallyNothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make AssumptionsFind the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your BestYour best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I heard my mother and father talk about this book and a one friend in particular that lived by those agreements. I read the book a few years ago, then I let the agreements slip into my subconscious. I have found that in the past 2 years, I have been focusing on communication, not making assumptions, and not taking things personally. (as an overachiever, I don't usually have the "do your best" issue, its usually, more of "go easy on yourself" thing). Not taking things personally is the hardest. It is so much more pronouced when I'm with my family, because either, I notice my instinctual behaviors more, they know my triggers, or I have grown some and they want old paradigms to work. Its probably a combination of all 3.

I had a lot of bad dreams last night. At one point, I brought my etheric bodies above me to hover over me like a mother bird. The winged me, held me and rocked me, asking me what was wrong. "I don't want to be alone. I don't want love to be taken away from me. I'm afraid for the future, what if I fall? There will be no one but me to pick me up." "I am here for you, you won't fall" winged me crooned.I relaxed and drifted, fluttering back into sleep, in the safe bossom of my home, my retreat, my fortress.

I keep the keys to my home, my inner sanctum and I am not alone. This tree is made of Love, bound by Love, and grown with care, communication, and Time.

Blessed be.

I've been sleeping a lot. My partner is on vacation, so I guess I might as well catch up on my sleep. Last night I went to bed at quarter after 9, and left until 7am. I did something similar to that yesterday, but my theme song for that night was

"Red, red wine.... you make it hurt so good" Uh yeah, Drank a wee bit too much, but got up twice in the middle of the night to drink gatorade, so I wasn't completely hung over yesterday.
Last night, however, I had a really productive dream cycle. At one point lots of people in my life were at my childhood home and my back-door-neighbor-adoptive-grandmother's house. There was a pregnant horse in the shed. It was a full moon and a huge snow storm. I was sure under those conditions she'd give birth. I was so worried for her as we wouldn't be able to get a vet out to us and we'd have to do it on our own.

The kids didn't know how to turn off the TV and it was really getting on my nerves. I realized that if you hit the zero "0" button and the fast forward at the same time "FF" that it would do the OFF function. Yay me. Yes, I have been reading about gemantria and other word games lately. It was kind of like a Star Trek control panel.

Other people were in and out of the house, we were welcoming anyone that needed shelter out of the storm. I was concerned about keeping the doors locked so that we didn't have unexpected, and possibly unsavory guests. It was quite the storm. But I couldn't wait to see the baby.
I've been dreaming a lot about that house and thinking about how my thought paradigms are completely changing. I like it that old things aren't what's replaying. Its new people, new situations, and quite often, I am the lady of the house and not a child within it.