Friday, October 23, 2015

Shining light on the Dark

I was minding my own business today and suddenly it occurred to me.  I have an addictive personality.  I don't exhibit classic behaviors of a substance abuser.  My addictive traits are much more subtle.  I engage in sensation and thrill seeking behavior.  I get bored easily so I have to amp up the stakes for myself.  Everything I do, I want to do as obsessively and as fast and hard as possible.  I always called that over-achiever. 

I have always been attractive to Type A, super-intense men (romantically, career-wise, and socially).  I can ride their enthusiasm and push my limits that way.  That's thrill seeking.  I have allowed them to enable risky behaviors that I otherwise would be too cowardly to engage in. 

I have always been geared toward indulgent eating.  I drink alcohol and caffeine daily.  Sex, exercise, ritual, BDSM, "adventures", anything to get a shot of adrenaline, oxytocin, or dopamine. 

On March 19th 2013 I did hit rock bottom. 

I dug myself out of the crappy hole I a dug myself into.  I put down a lot of boundaries and promised myself to learn a new way and not get myself in such a pickle again. 

I keep learning.  Life is much better and I am still learning. 

I choose a path of moderation.  I can get probably more well-being from exercise than I can from coffee, sugar, and alcohol.  Time to clean up my mess.  This is the path to stability, weight-loss, mental health, and balance. 

It's finally time to quit giving in to restlessness and temptation.  The only way I can reach my dreams is through focus and discipline.  There's a new way to guide the future with productive intensity. 

Now, its time to make plans and shoot for the stars. 

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