A Crutial Turning Point

We think about crises as moments in our lives where we are consumed with undue stress and turmoil. The first definition of a crisis, however is a crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point. What is required for something to be called a crisis? Change. You haven't seen the end of something unless the cycle ends. Did you bring about the change? Did forces prod you to become aware of how badly change is needed. Did you cross a threshold where there was no turning back to the old ways?

Last night I didn't sleep hardly any at all. I kept running through scenarios of change and options for leaving major portions of my life behind. Considering that I almost never have sleepless nights, you might call this a moment of opportunity or stress leaking into time I leave for my subconscious.

As I mentioned in http://lettinggoisflying.blogspot.com/2009/12/integration-of-parts-of-self.html, my subconscious has been screaming for me to listen, trust, and make change. I've made several large steps to try to turn around my personal boat to make change and head in new headings. It seems that my subconscious does not feel that the change is fast enough. Does it wish for me to dive out of the boat and swim within the waters of life itself? Quite possibly. Entrepreneurs, creative types, those that made big changes in their lives often get to a crisis moment where the status quo or small changes are no longer enough. What is the magick ingredient that makes the big risks worth it? That was the carpe diem call to arms urging me on for most of the night. Jump, dive, let go--go for it!!!

Yet today, I was awake, alert, and productive. The rawness and restlessness of the night before seemed to be tucked away safely in dreamland... until it resurfaces from the dark depths again.

To be continued...

solitary vs coven practice

I have been thinking lately about the support function of community and training within a group. Social and religious groups are organic by nature. People are different from one another and focus, understanding, dedication, purpose, and communication styles are different for all people. Thus, long term commitments within groups have their hiccups, misunderstandings, and alas, drama. Why is it worth it? Here's my story and perspective.

Often people have left Christian upbringing and come to Paganism as a way to get away from opressive Mother Church. I left the church I grew up in because I had had enough of the hypocracy of church leaders and the politics. I had tried to keep in mind that my behavior should honor God in his house. I was very devout and dedicated to my religion and devotion to God. From there, I decided to learn as much as I could about early Christianity and what Jesus was actually trying to teach. I read about Gnosticism, Esceticism, and Judaism. I even got my first taste of Kabbalah. I really liked the ideas of the overlooked Female figures is the texts other than the Torah; the Shekinah, Lilith, and Sophia. I decided that my practice would have to be of my own making as the Christian church didn't resemble at all the early teachings. I read the Gospel of Thomas.

I took a step further when I discovered sex and decided that God created something that was a beautiful gift to humanity. I could no longer focus soley on a transcendent reality when earthly existance could be harmonious and beautiful. I was angry at how I was raised as a subverted female and broke away from my foremother's history and became a raging feminist. The Goddess helped me become a healthy woman rather than a ashamed one. I started forming a sense of self with the support of the other women in circle together with me.

Some of what I had loved about the church was the ritual. Formalized robes, altars, incense, candles, song, prayer, and traditions repeated over the years. I also looked up to the crone who had taken me under her wing in service to the Goddess. A solitary path with me, the God, and the Goddess was fine for my since of peace, but much of the splendor of miracles and magick were found sharing with other people. I wanted formal training and I wanted to share with other women who needed the healing and transformation I had received.

Therefore, I sought out the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel which became my coven, friends, and spirtual family. I met them in 2001 and joined in 2002. I initiated in 2005 and consider my life's work to be within this organization. What makes coven work worth it is the smiles you see every time you meet, the heartfelt connection, and the support that we all progress together. The longer I am within the ASW, the more I can see the growth over the long term. This Wheel is the hub, the moving, spirally, yet steady point that I build my life around. The very organization is stable and strong, and I know that it will always be there for me. The people, the magick, the work give me strength for everything else that life throws at me. The harmony between people in accord lends faith when I am doubting and light when I am confused or in darkened places.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to celebrate Yule and participate in sweatlodge. By Sunday, I felt an overshadowing aura of love and care that continues to deepen through the years. I am so blessed to have such a caring community and such strong friendships.

Furthermore, I find myself a part of an evolving and growing community of similar friendships in NJ. I have hope and faith for the future. The coming year will be busy with lots of challenges but with as much laughter, tears, joys, and tribulations. I hope that I will learn, deepen friendships, and strengthen my family and communities.

Blessed be.

And on that note

Here's another post about the same thing I was just talking about. Why is it on days like this we feel like we're being talked to personally?

http://www.allconsidering.com/2009/michael-mirdad-interview/

Integration of Parts of Self

One of the main goals of the practitioner is awareness, control, and integration of the different parts of self. There are several categories these can follow such as:

Thorn Coyle uses: Sticky One, Shining Body, and Sacred Dove
Reclaiming: Younger Self, Talking Self, and Higher Self
Hebrew: Nefesh, Ruach, Neshama, Chaya, Yechida
SOL: Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual (planes of existence)
Elemental: Body, Mind, Heart, Soul, and Spirit.

Whatever the names or the exact system, all of these are focused on harmonizing and integrating, becoming aware, and living in a conscious, fluid, and healthy way. The balancing and healing of those parts allow one to reach further through the planes, live more successfully and healthily and evolve on our spiritual path.

Often one reads of awakening into magickal existence or full living. For me, I sought for many years on a hope, a dream, a wish that there was something more. As my practice broadened and deepened, like a flower opening, existence did the same. There was so much more to be aware of, to learn, to celebrate, share, and work toward.

One thing I have struggled with is letting my conscious self let go in order to let my younger self and higher self take the reins. Last night I found some success with that endeavor. Through music, dancing, art making, journaling, and scrying I engaged the flow of life. The message bubbling up kept urging me "Let go, trust, have faith!"

I stand at the beginning, of a life of so much more engagement. All I have to do, is refuse to shut myself off from it. Yes, it is scary. Yes I risk failure, and yet, if I listen to those other parts of me, there is no risk for it cannot fail.

Even in the still, coldness of winter is life, turning and yearning within the seeds in the ground. Within the DNA deep within the seeds of promise, I look to the future and will walk into my birthright.

Blessed be.

Growing pains?

There is an amazing thing about growth and the process of learning. It doesn't have to hurt or be uncomfortable. How often are we given advice by our elders, our loved ones, or even ourselves that we just don't know how to integrate and put into practice until we are ready? It seems so often that we are not ready for this act of integration until we have been exposed to the concept in several ways, hundreds of times, or over the years. I may never know what the catalyst is that finally precipitates into a new realization, but I have found that, thank the Gods I am learning faster and easier as time goes on.

I have not been suffering from SADD yet this year. I am not sure it is even luck. I have not had to sleep more often, change my diet into something that is ascetic, tasteless, and boring. I have not had to cancel activities. In fact, I'm enjoying the ramp up to Yule this year for the first time since I was a small child. It is not warmer, sunnier, nor do I have less stress in my life. I have found that lately, as I feel hopeless, alone, uncared-for, or down, that I have for the most part, been able to name that feeling "tired". Its okay to be sleepy or tired! Its okay to be emotionally weary for sure. When I have been able to pinpoint the nature of my feelings, it has been much easier to give myself a break and move through it. I accept and honor my feeling but not necessarily become servant to it not drop everything to cater to it.

Last night, after a very full day of meetings, socializing, planning, kids, and a completed sewing project, I found myself not hungry, nor lonely, nor bored, but just weepy and generally hormonal. My partner and I had a good time, watching a movie, but mainly talking and spending time together doing nothing. We talked about my feelings a bit, and I had the space to just exist in the feeling without having fear of it taking over, nor really needing to do anything about it. As I let the feeling expand, I realized that the discomfort was from only allowing myself to feel within my physical flesh boundaries. I expanded the feeling a couple of layers out. It started to feel better. I opened up a channel of my chakras and ran the feeling through me and out. I wasn't dispelling or dismissing the feeling, but letting it flow. My hormone level increased, my awareness increased, I felt weepy, but then I also felt tapped in. Much of my problems lately had been from squeezing too much into too small of a space. I am more than my physical form.

This may seem obvious to metaphyical minded folks, but to know it in my head, but then transferr it into energetic practice were two different things. Much like I have allowed myself to be in ritual, I began, in a mundane space, to exist as my magickal self; integrated, connected, flowing, larger, more powerful.

This idea connected to something bothering me in my work life. People who know me personally see me as driven, assertive, and sometimes as a dominate personality or a hot head, and yet at work, I am seen as submissive, eager to please, easy going, and laid back. I feel shy often at work and in personal settings have felt less and less shy or inhibited. Like an insect that has to break open its skin to grow, I have been wearing armor that has been too tight, unyeilding, and unflexible. Impervious yes, but not dynamic nor adaptive.

Today, at first I still felt melancholy, but as I woke up and began to act in my world, I realized that indeed more of me was active and flowing. I remembered my experience in Binah, and recalled holding the Pearl of my dreams for this lifetime. I had more time in the morning to acomplish things. I felt empowered to do what was needed in my day and less concerned with the inequities of my job environment or the world.

Grace. Ah, yes. I drove past a bald eagle and felt as if it was aknowledging me eye to eye. I felt no fear today, nor pain. The frustration of the year of challenges was finally starting to settle in. I was starting to master within myself new ways to approach and use my own energetic fields.

The Empress, Strength, and Temperance.

Carry on.

SADD and turning inward

I have tried light therapy as well as taking a lot of vitamin D. Nothing seemsto help. Studies show that light therapy is supposed to do wonders.

What does help is letting myself sleep as much as possible, and taking it reallyeasy, almost like you would when your emotions are raw from PMS. The more Ialign myself with introspection, creativity and rest during the dark part of theyear, the easier it is for me. I gain a little bit of weight every winter anddon't worry about it. I am starting to think that it is not something wrongwith me, but my body screaming at me to slow down, WAY down in the winter. Idon't feel bad about pushing harder in the summer months that way either.I'm also lucky that my current job is very busy in the summer (May throughSeptember) and really slow November through April. I felt bad last year for notwanting to work in the winter months, this year I feel like I earn my due in thesummer and now can spend more mental time on me at work. I feel like this setup was a syncronistic personal blessing!

As within so without, as above so below but in a different manner. The worlddoes reflect how we should live in harmony with its cycles. Sleeping extrameans that you allow your younger self and higher self more time in control. Insuch states you actually are letting your other parts of self shine through andcommunicate with you. If its all go go go all the time, we subvert the shadowand subvert the child self and cut ourselves off from our power as whole,healthy beings. Winter is a convenient time for me to tap into that, just likethe core of sap of a tree, down and within is wisdom as well, waiting to betapped, so that like a maple tree, we can taste the sweet syrup in the spring.

Samhain Harvesting

I start looking at the year's work at Lammas and Mabon. At that point I am taking an accounting of what was accomplished and what I was happy with. I'm also looking at what isn't finished or not quite good enough. My goal is to complete that year's work cycle by Samhain. In forlkore tradition, it is customary to leave anything that had not been harvested in the fields to the spirits and to rot. The idea was that it was no longer yours to have after Samhain and the veils thinned. What was left was for the Landvaettir, the Ancestors, and the creatures of the Wild Hunt. You wouldn't want to eat food that had had the energy taken from it by another being. The food itself would not nourish you or could make you sick. Folklore aside, I deal with SADD every year so its helpful for me to wind things down and focus on myself inwardly and my family for the winter months.

Between Samhain and Yule, I follow the Celtic idea that there is a space of time between Samhain and Yule that is not of the year and is an underworld and othertime space. December really is culturally for the US a crazy time of overboard feasting, but also a time of family and joy so between Samhain and Yule, I do a lot of cooking, journaling, review how things went, give thanks for what was a success and for all the blessings in my life, then dream, rest, and plan for the new cycle to come. I also work with the Morrigan during the winter months to help cull away and clean house per say in order to make room for new things to grow. Brigid looks over my kitchen, keeping my family nourished and comforted and safe. The Morrigan help my internal struggles with the season and both temper and form the sword within me so that I can be a more effective tool of the Divine in the year to come. Finally I look to Freyja to oversee my relationship with my partner that we can be a healthy, loving team.

Mark, author of http://clearandobscure.blogspot.com/, mentioned that he just found out that leaves don't fall off trees, the trees push the leaves off this time of year. What do you want to push out or set free? What can be a joyous outward sharing to the world in brillant color so that you can peacefully turn inward in the months to come?

Wassail!