Monday, December 7, 2009

Growing pains?

There is an amazing thing about growth and the process of learning. It doesn't have to hurt or be uncomfortable. How often are we given advice by our elders, our loved ones, or even ourselves that we just don't know how to integrate and put into practice until we are ready? It seems so often that we are not ready for this act of integration until we have been exposed to the concept in several ways, hundreds of times, or over the years. I may never know what the catalyst is that finally precipitates into a new realization, but I have found that, thank the Gods I am learning faster and easier as time goes on.

I have not been suffering from SADD yet this year. I am not sure it is even luck. I have not had to sleep more often, change my diet into something that is ascetic, tasteless, and boring. I have not had to cancel activities. In fact, I'm enjoying the ramp up to Yule this year for the first time since I was a small child. It is not warmer, sunnier, nor do I have less stress in my life. I have found that lately, as I feel hopeless, alone, uncared-for, or down, that I have for the most part, been able to name that feeling "tired". Its okay to be sleepy or tired! Its okay to be emotionally weary for sure. When I have been able to pinpoint the nature of my feelings, it has been much easier to give myself a break and move through it. I accept and honor my feeling but not necessarily become servant to it not drop everything to cater to it.

Last night, after a very full day of meetings, socializing, planning, kids, and a completed sewing project, I found myself not hungry, nor lonely, nor bored, but just weepy and generally hormonal. My partner and I had a good time, watching a movie, but mainly talking and spending time together doing nothing. We talked about my feelings a bit, and I had the space to just exist in the feeling without having fear of it taking over, nor really needing to do anything about it. As I let the feeling expand, I realized that the discomfort was from only allowing myself to feel within my physical flesh boundaries. I expanded the feeling a couple of layers out. It started to feel better. I opened up a channel of my chakras and ran the feeling through me and out. I wasn't dispelling or dismissing the feeling, but letting it flow. My hormone level increased, my awareness increased, I felt weepy, but then I also felt tapped in. Much of my problems lately had been from squeezing too much into too small of a space. I am more than my physical form.

This may seem obvious to metaphyical minded folks, but to know it in my head, but then transferr it into energetic practice were two different things. Much like I have allowed myself to be in ritual, I began, in a mundane space, to exist as my magickal self; integrated, connected, flowing, larger, more powerful.

This idea connected to something bothering me in my work life. People who know me personally see me as driven, assertive, and sometimes as a dominate personality or a hot head, and yet at work, I am seen as submissive, eager to please, easy going, and laid back. I feel shy often at work and in personal settings have felt less and less shy or inhibited. Like an insect that has to break open its skin to grow, I have been wearing armor that has been too tight, unyeilding, and unflexible. Impervious yes, but not dynamic nor adaptive.

Today, at first I still felt melancholy, but as I woke up and began to act in my world, I realized that indeed more of me was active and flowing. I remembered my experience in Binah, and recalled holding the Pearl of my dreams for this lifetime. I had more time in the morning to acomplish things. I felt empowered to do what was needed in my day and less concerned with the inequities of my job environment or the world.

Grace. Ah, yes. I drove past a bald eagle and felt as if it was aknowledging me eye to eye. I felt no fear today, nor pain. The frustration of the year of challenges was finally starting to settle in. I was starting to master within myself new ways to approach and use my own energetic fields.

The Empress, Strength, and Temperance.

Carry on.


  1. I like it. It's amazing to witness these learning experiences and epiphanies within ourselves. Sometimes I start to feel like I've been doing this so long that I no longer feel these moments when they happen, and it makes me smile when I do. It's like an old friend coming home...and bringing presents!

    I've never read your writing before, but I'm glad I did!

  2. Jenn,

    Thanks for reading. I find that the deeper I go, the more frequent and deeper the ephiphanies are. As Joseph Campbell said, "Follow your bliss"!

  3. Gratz on the break through. I knew you werent too far from letting go of the restrictions. Glad it happened, and sorry Im not more useful right now in helping to see it through.


  4. Glad to see you feeling better, Maggi - and what a great epiphany to share. Thank you!