Thursday, January 23, 2014
The road ahead
Last week I was unhappy about a first appointment with a new therapist. She told me my issue in managing my love life is that I need to find someone that would commit to me and abstain from sex for 14 months. She told me monogamy is not natural. Its very hard... I told her that's why I've never been monogamous, and yet, here I am celibate for the first time since my adult life. Irony. Last March, 3 men embarrassed the daylights out of me by giving me a gift on their collective knees. In one day, one had burnt the bridge out of my life, 12 years, completed, and over, in one phone call.
Another I burnt the bridge myself, over control and ego. Finally, the last, I finally gave up on, over control, and ego. Ganesha opened the door, I surrendered to the Morrigan, and at each step, the road opens unto me some more, just another bend in the path, glinting in the sunlight.
I lost my will to see the light. I turned into the cave of the existence.
"Wizards need the sun and the open sky to do magick."
No longer here to please others or seek praise, now I'm living my life.
My first private session with the therapist who saved me, back in NJ, he told me to watch the movie, "Into the Wild". I bought it, and never read it. He told me it was about a guy who graduated college and left his identity, abandoned his car, burned his money and his ID and went out into the world with no identity.
I went to a new therapist yesterday. I told him I just moved from NJ. He said that he went to school in NYC and knew a guy he was in college with who was from Dover, NJ. He said that he once called him and told him that he was going to run his truck into a lake for the insurance money. No one ever hear from him again. No one found his truck. He was off the record.
I said to him, "You ever seen Into the Wild?" and I told him what it was about.
He said, "You know, I never thought of it that way". That must have been what he had done. I knew somehow he wasn't dead.
It was like my first therapist had a message for the new therapist. At least I know that this one is the right now. Funny how that happens.
At the end of the session, my new therapist gave me a little day calendar photo of a highway through the desert. It say something like, "The road opens to me every day."