Around this time of year I look back at what came of the previous year and see how I feel going forward into a new one. This past year was a whirlwind of things changing, coming to fruition and reorientations to my place in the world. On the last day of the year, I have one more celebration, my 30th birthday party, to usher in the New Year, and a new stage in my life.
I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but I got more than whatever that was; 3rd degree initiation, introduction into leadership in the Assembly, a new coven of 13 and growing, my hand fasting, the larger role of featured presenter at Fall Frolic, and my first book published.
One thing about getting older that I’ve really enjoyed so far is that even though bad times and heart ache happen, it’s not as acutely painful. You’ve been down that road before and life moves on, time heals, and you learn from your mistakes, hopefully. I knew, even as a teenager, that when I gained independence that life would be more reasonable. Being able to organize my life and friends as I wished and conduct my household according to my own sense of propriety has been an on-going learning opportunity but a relief as well. For example, I found that my childhood’s home household cleaners, and Eastern Shore mold, corn and pine pollen, were the main source of my allergies. The more time that passes, the better I am able to understand the difference between what people say and their actual underlying impulses that make up their motivations.
Starting this summer, (or was it earlier?) I found myself lacking luster for my life, going through the motions and reaching for a helping hand that just never seemed to be there. Life the Ace cards in the tarot, I kept expecting that hand to appear out of nowhere and help me up, instead I kept treading water and waiting as land didn’t seem to be in sight. It’s been like a dream though. Just when I lose sight of what to do, knowing that I can’t tread water forever, a different level of consciousness takes over and a new dream starts. There isn’t resolution to the old dream but I have a moment of rest and don’t have to despair in the last dream’s moment.
The Goddesses I worked with this fall gave me enlightening and productive experiences. Modron helped me to let go of other people’s drama. I have to live my life and walk my path. I have my own burdens and she reminded me that other people’s issues are their problems, and not my burden to bear. The best any of us can do is live by our own ideals with honor and integrity and let the rest of the world make their own choices.
Hecate gave me a new perspective on the pathways through the underworld. I enjoyed donning the cloak of the light in the darkness rather than wandering through the dark. I also realized that I had shifted fully into the Mother aspect in my life and am no longer “maiden”. I enjoyed revisiting the surge of ferocity of the Maiden. It’s funny how high school and early twenties can be so harsh and austere. At least that was my experience of it. Now, I am starting to have a little more understanding of the way things work, which are never fair, but are often predictable.
So many of the songs I’ve been hearing on the radio lately talk of the gentle spring/summer of childhood (Adele Someone Like You) or Green Day’s When September Ends. Maybe different people have a different experience. I can’t say my childhood itself was all that bad, but my acclimation to the world was not a comfortable one. Maybe my experience was more like the Cruxshadow’s Winterborn, or a Celtic tale of the stolen child hidden in shadow in the underworld until they came into their power in full adulthood.
Life is what you make of it, but if you haven’t noticed, fairy tales are pretty dark too.