Letting go is flying--Trado ut Fuga

Limitations are false

2012-01-25T17:51:00.000-08:00

So, 3 weeks ago I joined a cross fit gym and its like I unburied a huge lost piece of myself. My winter depression melted away and suddenly my knees quit hurting. I've lost 3 pounds and I feel really good. Hello libido? you're back! LOL. Anyway, what's been interesting is though I've never done heavy lifting before, and I can't say right now that my strength is what it should be, it feels right. It feels really good. I feel like what Craig called my "explosive dwarf" body is made for this. I have goals, tucked away, that I'm afraid to voice, but here it goes:

I want to be able to do 20 unassisted pullups again, be able to pop up and down in a head-stand/hand-stand combo that I used to be able to do and do 144 pyramid pushups. I was able to do this 4 years ago. I used to be a gymnast, I used to be a long distance mountain biker, I used to be a martialist. I want it back. All that is holding me back is what I think I can do and what I allow my body to do for me. The lead trainer of the "box" (the Cross Fit term for gym) told me last week is "You have a lot of power and force, you just have to find it and let it out". Talk about bowl you over. I've heard that one before! At that moment I was in the zone, and Spirit was speaking to me with exactly what I needed to hear.

The thing is, that statement is not just true for my physical capabilities or just true for me. Its true for us all. Are we willing to push past the comfortable limitations and find our dark, angry, raw, transformative, fiery power? Hell yeah! Your current limits are false. They are based in fear of change. They aren't based in fear of failure cause if you keep at it, over time, you won't fail! That's called learning and growing! It's inevitable. Fear comes from the weight of self-responsibility and walking in power in this world. What if you have the very thing someone needs to be the critical turning point in their life path? Guess what? You do have that power. Stop thinking about why you aren't good enough and all the excuses for what's stopping you.

Make possibilities come alive. There are many more than you could possibly imagine. Go get it. Do. You won't fall when you realize you can fly.

A third of the way around the Temple of Saturn

2011-12-29T08:46:00.000-08:00

Around this time of year I look back at what came of the previous year and see how I feel going forward into a new one. This past year was a whirlwind of things changing, coming to fruition and reorientations to my place in the world. On the last day of the year, I have one more celebration, my 30th birthday party, to usher in the New Year, and a new stage in my life.

I don’t know exactly what I was expecting, but I got more than whatever that was; 3rd degree initiation, introduction into leadership in the Assembly, a new coven of 13 and growing, my hand fasting, the larger role of featured presenter at Fall Frolic, and my first book published.

One thing about getting older that I’ve really enjoyed so far is that even though bad times and heart ache happen, it’s not as acutely painful. You’ve been down that road before and life moves on, time heals, and you learn from your mistakes, hopefully. I knew, even as a teenager, that when I gained independence that life would be more reasonable. Being able to organize my life and friends as I wished and conduct my household according to my own sense of propriety has been an on-going learning opportunity but a relief as well. For example, I found that my childhood’s home household cleaners, and Eastern Shore mold, corn and pine pollen, were the main source of my allergies. The more time that passes, the better I am able to understand the difference between what people say and their actual underlying impulses that make up their motivations.

Starting this summer, (or was it earlier?) I found myself lacking luster for my life, going through the motions and reaching for a helping hand that just never seemed to be there. Life the Ace cards in the tarot, I kept expecting that hand to appear out of nowhere and help me up, instead I kept treading water and waiting as land didn’t seem to be in sight. It’s been like a dream though. Just when I lose sight of what to do, knowing that I can’t tread water forever, a different level of consciousness takes over and a new dream starts. There isn’t resolution to the old dream but I have a moment of rest and don’t have to despair in the last dream’s moment.

The Goddesses I worked with this fall gave me enlightening and productive experiences. Modron helped me to let go of other people’s drama. I have to live my life and walk my path. I have my own burdens and she reminded me that other people’s issues are their problems, and not my burden to bear. The best any of us can do is live by our own ideals with honor and integrity and let the rest of the world make their own choices.

Hecate gave me a new perspective on the pathways through the underworld. I enjoyed donning the cloak of the light in the darkness rather than wandering through the dark. I also realized that I had shifted fully into the Mother aspect in my life and am no longer “maiden”. I enjoyed revisiting the surge of ferocity of the Maiden. It’s funny how high school and early twenties can be so harsh and austere. At least that was my experience of it. Now, I am starting to have a little more understanding of the way things work, which are never fair, but are often predictable.

So many of the songs I’ve been hearing on the radio lately talk of the gentle spring/summer of childhood (Adele Someone Like You) or Green Day’s When September Ends. Maybe different people have a different experience. I can’t say my childhood itself was all that bad, but my acclimation to the world was not a comfortable one. Maybe my experience was more like the Cruxshadow’s Winterborn, or a Celtic tale of the stolen child hidden in shadow in the underworld until they came into their power in full adulthood.

Life is what you make of it, but if you haven’t noticed, fairy tales are pretty dark too.

The back cover

2011-11-26T14:30:00.000-08:00

Ever finished a long classic book, closed the book and then wondered, "wow it's over, now what?"
I feel like I just finished volume one of my life. Now I'm sitting here waiting for the next episode. It's a strange feeling. I like closure in general, but I've worked so hard this tome, I'm reeling and sort of stunned. Blinking, I'll step back out of the theater and into a bright day. I'm looking forward to a new plot line.

How to totally overachieve your Saturn's Return

2011-10-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

Change your hormone therapy, twice
Initiate as a 3rd degree.

Get married – and organize the whole thing without bridesmaids, a wedding planner, or a caterer, over 150 miles from where you live.

(unfortunately all of that happened while both bride and groom were sick and the groom had emergency abdominal surgery earlier that week)

Propose to start a coven, lead a study group, host public and private rituals and workshops, interview 12 people, and finally, dedicate the aforementioned coven.

present at a Pagan Pride Day.
present at a festival as their featured presenter.
publish a book.
Join a new gym.
Throw a public Samhain overnight intensive at a local camp.
Go to New Orleans for Halloween.
Throw a pumpkin carving party for your kids for Halloween.
Have a coven field trip for a sweat lodge over 200 miles away
have your house foreclose after being vacant and on the market for over 3 years.
Teach at Autumn magick and aspect Hecate.

Finally Turn 30 and find yourself feeling, for some unknown reason, really tired!

Beyond the Fluff

2011-08-28T06:11:00.001-07:00

I have a new article up on witchvox. http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usnj&c=words&id=14723

Martial Magick

2011-08-24T06:10:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about how my experiences with the martials arts has affected my magickal work and vice versa. The karate school I trained in did not focus on the philosophy or the spiritual aspects of the way as much as they did on the mental and physical. It was as if they didn't know what to say or just weren't spiritually minded people. You were given titles of the classic books if you wanted to persue that aspect further. We didn't meditate in the dojo though.

On the other hand, I integrated much of the magickal lessons I had been struggling with while I was in the dojo. Shadow boxing, learning perseverence in the face of not being able to control my body or quiet my mind. These lessons that I needed for my magickal training I integrated during karate sessions.

My husband came to the martial arts first in a much more traditional school. Once he had experienced the Western way, he then switched over to discover what the Western world's magickal tradition was all about.

We both use skills that we learned both in martial training as well as magickal training simultaneously now. I don't think about where the stance, breathing technique, or energy manipulation technique was learned from. How I use both Western and Eastern techniques are about the tools being used and the techniques. This is similar to how shamanism techiques are utilized in Pagan practices for the most part as well.

I will have to insert a caveat that I am not a "harm none" aka the Wiccan rede kinda gal. The Thelemic tenent of "Do what thou Will be the whole of the law, Love under Will" works a lot better for me. I believe in self defense and strength. I don't believe in neutering myself magickally by tying my hands or my power or physically. If my person, home, or family were threatened, you better believe I'd fight to protect them. Its also worth noting that the Wiccan tools were commonly called weapons in classic occult literature. My lifestyle and martial philosophies have to fit with my magickal beliefs and practices as well. I don't believe in the watering down of magick, ritual, and practice to make it more sanitized for the publishing industries or the masses.

I look to the next few years, as I plan my personal training program. It seems that several people are interested in persuing Tai Chi or similar practice as well in an effort to keep their energetic, physical, martial, and magickal skills keen. One informs the other, so I cannot ignore this piece of my training, however it fits in.

I am choosing to no longer participate in hard martial forms. My body has already suffered permanent injuries from these practicies and I am not interested in further head injuries, etc. I need my body to last for me!

Maybe tai chi it is?

Succumbing to Rest

2011-08-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

I have always set impossible, perfectionist standards for myself. That's part of my baggage whether it be in my birthchart, part of my upbringing, or the childhood fixation with trying to be more like Jesus. I have worked in the past 10 years on allowing myself to play. I don't enjoy past-times for the most part unless I feel they have a beneficial outcome like growing my relationships, making me physically healthier, or learning something.

In the past few years I have been so close to so major life goals that I have been driven into hyper drive. I have enjoyed the adventure with my partner of the past 4 years as we pushed each other and our limits to strive forward. I have noticed that there is a cycle after big rituals and intensive weekends where 2 days later I would mentally and emotionally crash. I have had to start allowing myself the murky low of dropping off of the ecstatic joy of the weekend. I try not to plan anything during that day, get more sleep, and excuse my blue mood. When I started to take this approached, it no longer seemed like something was wrong.

Much of my internal dialog during these lows would seem along the lines of "I'm so depressed! What's wrong with me? I can't do this!" I have started to be able to tell this voice, "you are just tired, and that is okay. Be gentle!" So now, instead of "what is wrong with me?" I now am able to discern, that this is what tired feels like and it can be grumpy and blue. Its okay not to be productive when I'm tired. I need rest in these instances. I was reminded of a song that I heard when I was a teenager. This song allowed me to give words to a need to be alone and recharge. It gave me words to permit myself to not always be on my "A" game.

This type of self-care led to an epiphany this weekend. Underlying my activities, studies, my achievements was a small voice that wondered during the winter, in the darkness, "What's wrong with me?" This voice wondered with all the discipline, practice, and spiritual endeavors, why did I feel that deep down inside, there was something broken. I was reminded of the words of Frank MacEowen, that that deep urge inside is the spiritual longing for connection. This weekend, I connected with a deeper understanding of the Qabalistic Fall. The fall, the disconnect is not personal, its a human condition. It is not something that is wrong with me, its that seed of discontent and the urge of connection within every human on this planet.

I don't have to sit and examine my wound and forever focus on how or why I have the hangups I do. I am excited to have one more tool to soothe when I'm tired, when I feel alone, when I am grumpy. I am surrounded by strong, incredible people that all seek connection and evolution as well. We are aware and yet allow us to be gentle with ourselves, without excuses.

Blessed be.

Book available for Pre-Order

2011-08-16T13:11:00.000-07:00

My first book, Ecstasy in Shadow is now available for pre-order. If you are interested in reading my book, consisting of 32 short poems and an essay or magick and ritual in the magickal community, then please do pre-order. 100 pre-order is the goal and it will make possible the first publishing run of books.

The release date is 10/15/11

$12 plus $3 shipping and handling. paypal to maggisetti@gmail.com. If you don't do paypal, email me and I'll give you an address for checks.

cheers!

changing our relationship to our thoughts

2011-08-15T04:41:00.000-07:00

I've had a doosey of a Mercury retro grade during the past two weeks. The first thing that happened wound up being good for me though. There was a fire in my 10 story office building on Sunday and I got to work remotely from home all week. During this week I was able to stay home, in the quiet solitude, while still taking care of my normal job functions, taking calls on my cellphone, and for my clients, they would not have been able to tell that there was any difference.

During this time, I enjoyed not having a managerial hawking eye watching over me and not being micro managed. I'm not sure my bossed worked much and I suspect he played a lot of tennis. Good for him. Even better he's on vacation this week. The absense of my boss, a couple of negative co-workers, and the comfort of home lifted a lot of stress and I found my relationship to work changing. Was work the office? No. Work was my book of business and my responsibilities to my clients and to be a good employee. I solved problems and did analysis that needed to be done. All of this I did without a sense of pressure or worry. Old shells left from the unhealthy, disfuctional environment of my last job finally crumbled away.

I am interested to see how this fresh perspective will interact whenever I do get back into the office. I have been at this job for over a year now. I am greatful for this environment and my ability to change my relationship to it. I am going to start looking at a few other things to see what would benefit from me changing my perspective.

My political druthers

2011-08-04T09:38:00.001-07:00

The start of the debate was that people my age aren’t willing to step up, and do their civil duty by forcing the government to change by participating in protests. My point was that the issues that matter to me aren’t like abortion/no abortion, war/no war, cut and dry issues. The issues I feel passionate about are bigger than the understanding of the general public or possibly anyone. The systems are baffling economists, stock market analysts, and those involved in social programming planning.

I feel the whole system doesn’t make any sense and I don’t feel like there is a way other than the ways that I am involved in my community to make a difference. I think the work I do with people on a personal level will make a whole hell of a lot of difference to people’s wellbeing and happiness than picketing (losing my job, and going to jail) ever could. If I don’t know where I want the government to go other than “You poopy-heads are being greedy, stop it” how do I tell them what to do? That’s what I mean by personal responsibility. It has to be for the people that are in charge as well.

I’m not suggesting socialism. I don’t think the answers are financially feasible though. In the case of the taking the train, the public transit system is inadequate. It is there, but only worth using if you have no choice. As far as pay cuts go, in the current “state of affairs” I moved to a place in the country where my grocery bill doubled, housing quintupled, property taxes quintupled (at least), and my pay? Flat lined. I understand your mentioning most of the world where they make all of $50 a year and no healthcare.

It will take running out of fossil fuels completely and global economic collapse to motivate the type of ideology shifts needed to take care of an interconnected global system. We need a lot more international government. I’m not saying national government will no longer exist, but it isn’t the end all. In the next 50 to 100 years there is going to be massive change. Maybe it will mean that we no longer have access to fossil fuels, beef, and fancy technological conveniences. The path to that change does not look pretty to me.

In the past 3 years, as I watched the economy dwindle and got used to much more constrained resources, I have shifted my focus toward the pursuit of happiness and spiritual solace despite the mess of the world. People are always repeating the Chinese curse, “We live in interesting times”. Do I live in anger, fear, and paranoia? Do I rail against the government to my own detriment? Or do I hold close to my family and create a life full of experiences, love, magick, and intimacy, and keep my priorities so that I can make the rest of the struggle of life worth it?

Maybe people my age don’t know any better. Maybe I’m not smart enough to have this conversation, that’s very possible. I know this much, the ideological debating of one side or the other of current bi-partisanism makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to me. That system has lost perspective. I don’t want to go into politics to change it. I’m not cut out for that type of warring. When I do have answers, I’ll let the government know.

Waiting on the World to Change

2011-08-04T06:31:00.001-07:00

This is why I don’t have political discussions. I feel that especially older people are so ingrained with their way of doing things that when I do speak up with my measly personal opinions, all they hear is “Blah, blah, kavetch, whine!” Why am I going to even try to develop opinions where there is no interplay or actual discussion. Where there is no forum for debate and anything I believe is automatically wrong. Obviously what is wrong with the youth is that they aren’t doing anything the way it was done 50 years ago? Right…

What motivation do I have when the people in charge are selfish, corrupt, self-serving, power mongering tyrants? Why am I going to protest social security when if I do, my parents lose their income? I have been writing my representatives and congressmen about the abysmal state of the mortgage industry and the personal strive the market is causing me. But why? When the government bails super banks out of bankruptcy, doesn’t regulate their use of that money, and then the same government is at risk of defaulting on its own obligations. The bailout, the budget, regulations, social programing is all a ridiculous game for the insincere. Why should I support welfare where there are enough loopholes that it encourages poor mothers to have even more children and I won’t have children because I can’t afford to stay home with them? Do you expect me to support public transporation when a 2.5 hour drive becomes a 6 hour trip on 3 trains and costs me more? And you expect me to protest antiabortion demonstrators?

Please listen to John Meyer’s song, Waiting on the World to Change. He’s singing my generational anthem.

I’ve been debating abortion with a lot of people lately, such a hot topic. My point is that in the big scheme of things, it’s such a small topic, it doesn’t matter. My husband always reminds me that it is a hot topic because it’s easily definable.

I listened to my elderly neighbor the other day commiserate with his sister about how the government isn’t take care of him because he barely has enough social security or medicare to take care of himself. He wants the government to just take care of everything, like it’s a simple thing. I doubt he has ever read what an actual bill looks like or has thought about the many layers of deliberation, debate, or negotiating that goes into passing a bill. It’s just not that easy.

I feel that we are at a point very similar to the fall of Rome. The large empires (nations) are falling. The old ways don’t work and until we are willing to work together as a global world view, economy, and government, things will continue to crumble. I can talk to anyone in the world, buy things anywhere in the world. I have a global worldview, not a national one.

After 9/11, everyone in my area started putting flags on their cars and talked about supporting the president (blindly). I put a sticker on my car that was a quote from Thomas Jefferson, “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism”. The founding fathers assumed that every 300 to 400 years the government would need to be overthrown for a new one. The problem is, that overthrowing the US government would only be a piece of the world’s problem. I don’t live in a nation. I live on Earth.

New modes for a new aon

2011-08-04T05:44:00.000-07:00

I found a very interesting this morning that discussion on Facebook when people were talking about an article that had been written about today's youth, specifically people in their 20's to people that are 34.http://www.alternet.org/vision/151850/8_reasons_young_americans_don%27t_fight_back%3A_how_the_us_crushed_youth_resistance/?page=entire All of the people that were discussing this were in the 50s and 60s. So, since I was in the age range that the article was discussing I decided to chime in. Specifically, the article was discussing the American youth's lack of the willingness to be defiant and protest. It stated that the youth had been battered into submissiveness. The article stated that large school loans, responsibilities, TV, psychiatric drugs, and poor diet choices were the reasons that youth didn't have any motivation to create change or stand up for themselves.

I have many bits of this article to reflect on one was I did have school loans when I graduated college and pick up for them to or is that I've never found protests actually get anything done I recalled a protest that it happened when I was in high school and how many of the students in our county got suspended many of the students had a harder time getting into college because of the suspensions on the records and many of Sindbads zeros on tests that day hurting their GPAs. the parents were furious! it caused more division between youth and the people in charge running the school board running our government. there was no understanding or change that resulted. Protest is not my way. I mentioned that building rapport understanding remaining calm builds more true dialogue and understanding.

I find it funny that the responses I caught where that I I wasn't approaching things the way they did in the 60s that I didn't understand the meaning of protested I wasn't protesting correctly and a.com world with social networking blogging no company loyalty, the world where what was is no longer,why would methods from 50 years ago work now?

What works now is going viral online. don't you remember the campaign right after all of this gay suicides. Then everyone started standing up and speaking for those people to give them solidarity. How many states since then have passed marriage laws for gays? that's what works.

Politicians at this point don't have any sense of honor or nobility. the people in charge are there because they have so much money they have all the power. My hope is that we can build ideologies we believe in so much the people start to take responsibility in themselves and each other that we can build a new way to think, and a new way to live. We cannot go back to old ways, butmust move into a more useful, healthier paradigm at this down of the new era.

The telling of our lives-- storytelling

2011-07-27T17:47:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered if storytelling becomes more real than our reality. That we are able to connect with the lives, the thoughts, the motivations of fictional characters so that they exaggerate in such a way that they become more real. We can then empathize, and live and learn, and gain wisdom from characters that exist only in our minds. Such worlds, in science-fiction and fantasy seems so real to the touch, high definition, saturated hues of color. Emotions prick you and send your skin searing-alive, and yet, isn't it just human reality we were trying to explain? For trying to connect with, and fully grasp ahold of, and relate to someone else what life is?

What is the experience of a spiritual being living in a physical form, and finite time, and walking through this physical plane? Reality is some of those ideas and is the core concept of the life experience. But, if it hadn't been through the reading of stories as a small child, i wouldn't have know how lush life could be. Now, I find myself mostly frustrated, disconnected, and not understanding the games, and the basal realities, and the primal urges. It is in those basal urges that drag us downwards. Down under the current of the riptides and into the darkness. There, you scrape your skin against the sands of the bottoms of the shoreline. We exist there, at the bottom of the waves churning in dirt and saltwater. We lay unaware, bumping along, and unable to see, and sometimes, even forgetting which way is up.

That doesn't have to be the case though there's an opportunity for calling a calling in the dark like a lighthouse asking us to move away from the turbulence or not hit ourselves Montse rock cracking up in our heads and spilling forth your life force. This is such a waste! A waste in pure agony, useless and unplanned. That opportunity, that calling, that lighthouse in the dark, it's a pathway to connection. It's a pathway to personal gnosis. It's a pathway to spiritual evolution. I for one am grateful for the authors that were willing to send their mind on trips into the future, into the past, into their own psyches. They were willing to spill it forth for all of us to read its benefits. Without them, I would've been alone with no guidepost, no lighthouse, no guiding light, no hope to move toward the future. And yet, I was able to hold onto the future, knowing that it was waiting for me. I get a thrill every moment, every waking day. Finding myself thrown in the midst of a complex story with complex characters, with magic, with purpose, with love, and connection! All of those past stories are more than just stories. They were a promise of what fully actualized, adult, responsible, and independent life could be.

At the same time, I feel an undeniable urge to continue to pick the brain of those authors so that I can learn how to fully illustrate and convey my life experiences. I must relay them in a way that might get someone else that same sense of spiritual ecstatic, that connection. In my own story, my biggest fear is not share the searing depths of that story. It is to run out of time, or lose my focus, and lose my way. Down that solitary, shadowy path is the fear that my life could be personal mythos hidden under a rock in the dark with roly-poly's the worms, and the centipedes, and shared with another soul in the light of day. This fate cannot become!

Find and supporting Quality towards Preserving the Future for Paganism

2011-07-25T14:13:00.000-07:00

I have to say that today I was really inspired by the activity that Raven Grimassi posted on his blog. I noticed the post as my local shop owner reposted a link. Karen, the owner of Mystic Spirit Metaphysical Shoppe has been instrumental in supporting my foray into public Pagan teaching. Here is Raven’s post: Raven Grimassi "How Did it Come to This?"

Here is my response to Mr. Grimassi’s post:

Having a decline in the publishing of the same, badly researched, and often misinformed material might be a good thing. I have found that many people that pass my way are specifically looking for hands-on, informed training. They want guidance to navigate through the sea of fluff. Not much has changed in that way. Before, materials were hard to find. Now the good materials are hard to find. At least we do have the broom closet and witchvox to network and find our local groups and stores. I believe we are in the process of a consolidation as we grow to the next cycle. The laity will always outnumber the priesthood now. How do we disseminate quality training to that growing population? We need local stores as community centers, and we need to be approachable and public as we crystalize the next growth stage for the development of Paganism.

And here is a response to the post that really hit home for me. Brendan Myers discusses some philosophical issues of what needs to be written about and how to go about both writing such material and supporting the authors that are already writing the in-depth books about the real issues. http://www.brendanmyers.net/blog/2011/07/supporting-your-beyond-101-writers/

With Myer’s blog post in mind, I am going to start regularly reviewing my favorite books and Pagan authors on my blog. I’m going to try to focus on currently writing authors rather than deceased Victorian authors. (My favorite classic occult authors include; Dion Fortune, Paul Foster Case, Aleister Crowley, and Sri Aubindo)

Right off the bat I would recommend the following authors:

Dolores Ashcroft Nowicki
Thorn Coyle
Ivo Dominguez Jr.
Jason Miller
Lon Milo DuQuette
Alan Richardson

There are lots of other books I love, but I have never been disappointed with any books I’ve bought from the above authors. Expect to see individual book reviews soon..

A New Nobility Part II

2011-07-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

I spoke earlier about how we need to be able to look out for the good of ourselves, others around us, and our society. The ideas of charity and liberty are some of the ideals upon which our country was originally founded. Such ideals are not new at all, but call for the rebirth and reinstatement of many of the tenants held by the Enlightenment movement and our founding fathers.

I have a bumper sticker that I put on my car in response to many people blindly supporting our government and having pride in the flag but expecting everyone to support whatever the government does without question. The bumper sticker says “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism” It is a quote by Thomas Jefferson. For the most part I don’t get involved in politics or in activism. I have been of the mind to work with people one on one, in personal ways. That doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions though.

I don’t feel that there is one right way, for just about anything. I am a quintessential Capricorn and I see things much differently than my Pieces sister or my Leo mother or my Cancer grandmother or my Gemini bosses, etc. I think that is why I have never wanted to get up in arms about differences of opinions. The issues that reach everyone across the board are complex and difficult to solve.

I was listening to an elderly neighbor the other day complain to his sister about the state of the economy, health care, and the government’s role in governing the people. He had a very simple view of how the government should work. He did not feel responsible. He felt that “Big Brother” was supposed to take care of the people and provide for everyone. He didn’t think about government funding or the complex nature of economics in a free market. He wanted Mommy/Daddy government to just make it better. Wow, that’s a nice fantasy world! I would love to live in a world like that.

I am glad to have freedom of speech and privacy in my home. I am glad that I have freedom to my religion and the right to the pursuit of happiness. All of those rights are for me to be able to pursue however I define those philosophies. Our constitutional rights allow us to seek self-definition and allow us to disagree. The system was designed to expect, and make room for disagreement. The system never expected a common religious philosophy or cookie cutter code of morality. I may not agree with how you run your life or your belief structure in God or vice versa. The government just wants to make sure that we aren’t stealing, raping, killing, or otherwise putting each other or our society in adverse physical danger. I am happy that people are allowed to disagree and live their lives differently. We all place different value on aspects of life. I care a lot about spirituality, the pursuit of knowledge, and food (hehe, well I do!). You may care more about knowing a lot of people and having lots of time for social events and expressing your fondness for them. Great! Not my cup of tea, hey, and for that matter, my husband prefers coffee altogether over tea. I don’t have to live my life or even always agree with my husband for that matter either. That makes for diversity, and lively, stimulating dinner conversation.

My point is that the world will never agree. There isn’t a right and wrong way. What works is personal. The government should be there to regulate the people so that they don’t take advantage and cause harm to one another. People seem to assume that their way is right because it works for them. In a world with so much diversity, isn’t it possible there are many right ways? Let’s figure out ways to help others live their way while we seek our personal truths.

Shadow Boxing

2011-07-05T05:27:00.000-07:00

While I was taking martial arts, one of the main ways we practiced on our own was through shadow boxing. You pretended that your mirror image was your opponent and you tried to outsmart and out fight your reflection. Its a good way to see if your form or combinations make sense and improve them.

I found that for a couple of years, my biggest obstacle was the internal struggle I had with my emotions. The physical fighting, the physical strain of maintaining a posture or controlling my body, allowed a panic and turmoil within me to boil out. Sometimes it won. My fellows in the dojo certainly didn't understand. Sometimes when the shadow self won, they saw me giving up or not trying. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

And yet, during this time I learned things my High Priest had been trying to teach me for years. I didn't understand the context of what I needed to integrate. Now, in the role of mother and High Priestess, I want to be able to fix that struggle for others, and yet I know, like my struggles in the dojo, I can't fight for them. I can provide the mirrors, the dojo, the classes, the rituals, but they have to fight their reflections.

I started struggling with depression when I was 8. It is possible that although I will get better at it, I may always deal with the slipping away from the sun into solitary darkness. I learn many lessons here. I have more active, caring support than I ever did before, so hopefully, I'll be able to keep a better perspective on things from now on.

I look at 2009 and 2010 with gratitude. I lost my struggle with the dark during this time. I was abducted and at the mercy of Hades for a time. Without losing the battle temporarily, I would not have had the compassion, empathy, or understanding of others in their struggle. When it was time, I was able to return to the land of the sun. No trial ever lasts forever. We always have the chance to endure, change, rearrange, and make something new of ourselves and our lives. I am grateful for the challenges that have made me stronger, tempered my will, and helped me know myself.

The darkness will come again, and in that night, I will be able to see that which is hidden in the light of day. When the dawn comes, I will walk into the new day, with new wisdom and new insight.

Remembering Dorthea - my grandmother

2011-06-29T07:42:00.001-07:00

This weekend I pulled out a church cookbook from a plastic bag. It was yellowed, stained, and falling apart. It was my paternal grandmother’s cookbook from 1937. Within its aged pages, it contains regional recipes from the eastern shore of Maryland.

I am very grateful for the relationship I had as a small child with my father’s mother. My mommom, was a simple, gentle woman. She was very patient and caring. She worked in a factory in the town she grew up in sewing on shirt cuffs. Her husband was a blacksmith. Dorthea only read at a 3rd grade reading level. She was my daycare as a youngster and I remember many days walking with her in the back yard to look at the blooming jonquils and lilacs and picking up fallen sticks after a storm. On hot afternoons we would sit on the front porch and watch different cars drive down the neighborhood. Once a week we’d walk down to the corner where she got her hair fixed. I would help her in the kitchen doing the dishes and watching her make wet dumplin’s, or little burgers she called “hamburg”.

It is these simple, quiet routines that I have been thinking about lately. I have recently changed my diet to be vegetarian as my stomach was requiring a much lower fat diet. This change in awareness has made me start to change my focus about food, cooking, and how emotionally attached I am to the “family meal”. During this re-evaluation process, I find that I am getting closer to what I want to cultivate for myself as a family and home.

Stuck in traffic the other day I realized that Mommom would not have understood the craziness of the congested area live in. The busy rushing of the greater NYC area would have stressed her. Regularly I find myself homesick. It has taken a long time to get closer to what exactly I have been homesick for. I am not homesick for my parents or the life I had as a child. Being the stereotypical Capricorn, I didn’t really enjoy being dependent as a kid and childhood was not really my idea of a good time. I couldn’t wait to grow up and I was right about that. I don’t miss the old family unit. I am married and have part time stepkids. I am very close to my in-laws. I miss the small town mindset.

I miss the focus of carefully planned meals and regular garden work. I miss long evenings on the front or back porch, watching the fireflies and just sitting with loved ones. I miss evening noises being cicadas and crickets. Now the evening noises are radios, teenagers yelling, the metal band practicing in the garage next door, trains, ambulances, the highways, and planes taking off at the airport nearby. There is no still lushness. The air is congested with noise and smog. The houses are too close together so that you don’t get any breeze through the house in the evening. Even the land seems to cringe inward not flowing and in a coma against the screech of activity and overpopulation.

There are two answers; 1 move, or 2 turn inward and upward. There is human connection that can harness the human stream of activity all around. The spirit planes are still available and are still quiet and active in order and flow. I find the stillness of quiet within and try to start from there every day. I find connection in other people and have my own flow connect with the healthy flow of life and humanity but not the frantic panic of craziness all around. I remember the slower time as I tend my flowers. I hope for a day where I live in a place where the air is cleaner and quieter. For now though, I cook with my Mommom’s cookbook, feeding my family, and do my best to be a conscious, honorable person, doing God’s work—just like Mommom would!

New witchvox article - Brigid Healing Woman

2011-06-26T04:39:00.000-07:00

I have a newly published witchvox article:
http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usnj&c=words&id=14635

Cheers!

The current age, and my place in it

2011-06-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

I’m extra tired today and for some reason that also sets up a mood where my thoughts turn to theology and the nature of the universe and our place in it. It seems that when I am stressed, overstimulated, or tired, my thoughts connect with the rest of reality more than usual.

Today, I was thinking about how many fantasy movies talk about the days of yore and the ol’ age of dragon or the age of the Gods and how we are now in the age of man. I wonder, concerned, if being in the age of man means that the Gods are further away than they used to be and so much of magick has been lost and forgotten. Are we awakening into a new age of new consciousness and magick or are we on the cusp of losing our capacity for magick and psychic abilities completely? Is this a dawn of an age or the plummet off the precipice into a new dark age? Is it both? The quaking fear inside me murmurs “yes”, on both accounts.

That makes me think about pyramid schemes and network marketing. I know that my purpose and path is real and clear. Too many things are too synchronistic and I experience the Gods and magick too often for my faith to be disrupted. On one hand hand, am I bailing out a ship with a bucket when the ship will go down anyway? Possibly, but on the other hand, if I show 2 friends magick in a way that they have their faith restored and they share magick with 2 others and so on, it would make a big difference. I’ll just keep carrying water. That way, moment by moment, a bucketful at a time, my efforts will become a lifelong chain of triumphs and positive moments of love and hope. Is failure really an option? Struggle, victory, moments of beauty and rapport, and hope, or giving up and giving in to despair. The rewards far out way to struggle.

In all of our searching, the hustle and bustle, and all of our efforts, ask yourself, are you making a difference? What impact did you make today? Are your hoarding your personal gnosis to take with you to the grave, or are you reaching out with an open hand? For me, I come bearing no weapons, only my open hands.

A New Nobility

2011-06-07T05:42:00.001-07:00

Responsibility is not just for self, but for others. We need each other, not just to take care of ourselves, and our own self-interest but to help one another as well. Many are not able to care for themselves. This can be obvious, in the case of the handicapped, but what about those with abusive upbringing, poor education, no access to healthcare, mental illness, addiction running in the family? Is the answer buck up? Imagine how many resources and you needed through 20 years of growing up; friends, family, teachers, money, physical resources. How many of those resources were particular to you? I would say that in many of our darkest moments, what was worth the most was the person who went out of their way to help, not out of self-interest, but out of love, compassion, or a pay-it-forward attitude. Do you wish for the world to be a place of teamwork, family, and the tribe working together? The alternative is a dog eat dog world and the devolution of the human race, our environment, and our planet.

I read Frank Herbert's Dune for the first time earlier this year and really enjoyed some of its points. One is the test of the Gom Jabbar, a test involving fear, pain, courage, and self-control. In the book this test is said to test the difference between the animals and the humans. If you are able to subvert your fear and pain, then you are human and are above your animal nature. This concept can be applied in so many ways. How often do you react without thinking? How often do you let your animal nature/fears/pain control you? Where are your motivations coming from?

There are two ways to look at the word nobility. One way is the equate it with the ruling class as in lords and nobles. The other way would to be to delve into the romantic world of chivalry and upstanding moral character. In this way, nobility would be about regard for the other humans you come across in your life and taking responsibility for yourself and others. When you have the ability to step up and say something do. When you make a difference and reach out you do. If we were all looking out for each other and guarding each other's backs, how different would the world be? Action should not be motivated out of distrust or fear, but originating from a deep faith within that humanity matters and that every action you take has the ability to make an impact.

How do you wish to impact the world today? Today I seek nobility.

Why its worth it

2011-06-06T16:05:00.000-07:00

We all go through our anxieties, our moments of weariness where we don't want to continue and just throw in the towel. I'd had a tired week or two, fighting my inner demons and questioning why the path is worth all the struggle. I also think its good to play our own devil's advocate to make sure that we know our motives for the work that we do.

This weekend I had a major "ah-ha" moment that reminded me of why all the struggle, discipline, perseverance, and will-power is worth it. I was attending a weekend intensive that was a series of 3 weekends on ritual writing. Ivo Dominguez Jr, one of the elders in my Tradition and the lecturer for the series, mentioned how our goal in life and even in many lives is to evolve into a God or Goddess, to become ourselves so much that we are acting in our higher power and guided nature all the time. I had heard this in many ways many times before, but this time, something went "ka-chink" and the key locked into the lock in a way that it had never quite fit before and the door in my mind opened.

All the struggle in the world is worth me doing my highest will, and making the biggest difference in this world. The more I can hold onto that ephiphany at all times, the more synchronistic opportunties will avail themselves for me to connect and do my work.

I've had lots of ideas that have congealed into whole commentary lately. I am excited that I am at the beginning of a creative, productive period.

Blessed be

Article featured on Pagan Magic

2011-05-24T03:58:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited to share that my article on gender in Paganism was featured at the UK online pagan store: Pagan Magic.

http://www.pagan-magic.co.uk/shop/making-room-genders-paganism-a-1135.html

The Capricorn - A Victorian Daydream

2011-05-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

This weekend I attended the Steam Punk World Fair. It was a total blast with a lot of good hearted, jovial fun for all. Steampunk seems to have such a friendly, good-looking, young crowd. Everyone is unique and off the wall and we all seem to match in that way. The nostalgic salute to the Victorian era got me to thinking about some daydreams I had a kid.

When I was a kid, I was a huge fan of CS Lewis and Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain). I had a fondness for Mark Twain’s sharp wit as well as his customary linen suit, Panama hat, and pipe. I enjoyed the character of the Uncle in the CS Lewis’s Magician’s nephew. I started collecting magazine cutouts of my ideal, romanticized life. I wanted to learn Greek and Latin and be versed in Greek and Renaissance scholarship. I wanted to be able to mix my own pigments and to paint and to know the sciences like Leonardo Di Vinci.

It was as if I had the uncle’s attic study somewhere in the attic of my head. I would have proper tea at tea time, just like Jean Luc Picard. There would be a full tea service on some side table next to my red leather wingback chair. A great, gentle beast of a dog, an Irish wolfhound would sit at my feet next to a fireplace while I studied or wrote with a fountain pen in a leather bound journal of fine, creamy paper. Surrounding me would be insects pinned in frames, and large mineral and fossil specimens, among the shelves of oh so many classical books with gilded pages. There would be an Indian rug underfoot. Much of the furniture would be dark, ornately carved feet holding crystal balls in their talons and cherubs and mythological creatures winding up scrolling bookcases. The room would have the earthy smells of tea, wood burning in the fireplace, leather, books, and a smoldering pipe.

The house itself would be a small, Tudor style cottage surrounded by walls of roses and a proper English cottage garden. A bicycle, canoe, and kayak would be waiting in the shed for the next outing.

I always wanted to wear a white linen suit and matching white Panama hat and white loafers with a classic, neat leather bag for plein aire excursions.

The last time I thought about this particular dream, I had mentioned to David that his house with prized Irises and many bookshelves adorned in such a classic, lush style reminded me of that Renaissance man I had wished to be. He told me then, “What’s keeping you from being that person now?” I’m not sure what my excuse was then, but I think that I feared some of those qualities were just too much of an expression of classy masculinity and I would not be able to express these things without being a clownish characterization of those things that made my sense of esthetics sing.

Why am I bringing this up? Because after the Fair, I feel that I could express myself in such a way that is uniquely my own, rich, and appealing all in its own way. It might wind up seeming idiosyncratic or eccentric, but maybe, since Steampunk is showing me there is a place for everyone’s romantic whimsy, I might be able to find a way to express the essence of these things in a genuine way.

Spring Birthing

2011-04-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

Amber and Celtic shields, put on without even conscious thought.

The wings stay, forever.

This time there was no pain with death, just transition.

The Raven Lady with me always.

A blue bird alighted in the wet spring morning.

Things fall into place

Water rushing down from the mountains.

The Fair ones sing.

Everything is moving at its natural pace.

I am at peace.

The thundering has quieted.
The Now is still.

There are no wrong answers?

That burden left behind,

I am human, these bonds chosen

The future is bright.

Menarche – the Threshold of the Maiden

2011-04-11T04:57:00.000-07:00

I had a couple of experiences this weekend that gave me an ephiphany about the nature of the Maiden phase/face of the Goddess as well as Maiden as a phase in a woman's life. A girl in my family crossed the threshold of Menarche last week. Menarche is the onset of menses, a girl's first period. I have not been close to a girl of this age before other than myself so it has been an interesting process to watch. I saw her two days after the big event and found that her energy had completely changed. I looked at her as saw a blossoming young woman rather than a child. Her growing awareness, poise, stature, sensibilities all seemed to have congealed at the same moment into the qualities we typify with the Maiden. She turns inward to dream and learn about the world, she is headstrong, and trying to figure out people, question conflicting messages the society and family members give her. She is very smart and uses her mentality and physical strength to push forward through challenges. From the glow about her skin to the hopes and fears that she had on becoming an adult all seem to swirl around her.

The other experience I had this weekend was priestessing in the role of the Maiden for a triple priestess polarity working in the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel's annual ritual for the Stag God Cernunous. I spent a lot of time thinking in the past week as I got ready for this role. I found some of the typical “maiden-style” dresses are no longer cute and comely on my maturing figure.

I have been spending the past year or so transitioning into the “Mother” phase in my life. I am turning 30 this year. I am no longer an innocent slip of a young woman. I have transitioned to roles of teacher, wife, stepmother, Priestess, and am entrusted with overseeing the growth of my students who circle with me. Hopefully I will be birthing a coven in the near future. In those ways, I am an expecting mother. And yet, to many an eye, I am seen as one of the young ones in my tradition. Like all of us in this culture that mortalizes youth, I hope to hold onto the physical attributes of the energy and health of youth as long as possible. I wash the gray out of my hair and am flattered on the rare occassions when I get carded. My 9 year old stepson jested with me a while ago that since I am in my 29th year, that I should enjoy the last days of my youth that I have left. All of these things were swirling through my head as I got ready to embody the aspects of Maiden in this rite.

So, in order not to look like a tart, I found an appropriate dress that was pretty and not to showy for my figure, and then I went barefoot! I invoked the verile Stag god with every molecule of my being. Then I danced and sang, clapped and stomped. I stirred up all of the carefree joy and sense of play and newness rushing of life that is the quick heartbeat of ripening.

The best thing about working with the phases of Maiden, Mother, Crone, Youth, Father, Sage in our lives is that all of the aspects are swirling and dancing around us at all times. We just have to call them forth from the DNA within us. Then we can be Maiden, Mother, or Crone, or subaspects of more than one at any time that we take the time to stir them up into our beings.

Blessed be.

Hum of the Engines

2011-04-05T05:14:00.000-07:00

I found boot up a little difficult today, so I gave it more conscious time for all of my pieces to get up and running, and man I am running at fuller capacity today. Here's just one of my morning muses.

When I was a child, I always wondered why the Greek Gods were seen as playing chess with the human race. I thought it was a insensitive take on our interactions. This morning I was meditating on the myths of Ouranos and of Prometheus. I started looking at the influences of Mars, Mercury, Jupiter and Uranus in my life right now. They all influence us differently and via for power and control. Those measley humans at the bottom them seek the balance of all of those influences and exercise theirown will to mitigate a messy game of chess turned rugby.

I turn to the Sun in the center, seeking balance and harmony of the other spheres. Those spheres turn in an ever shifting, ever unique dance. I walk the star road ever a different path. May my silver sandles not wear out and my my vision be forever in starlight.

Blessings

Becoming the main character of our personal mythos

2011-03-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, my favorite game was one where I was the young princess of a magickal land. In this game, I saved the kingdom, treated the people fairly, and fought off magickal disaster numerous times. As I grew older, I looked to other archetypes to fall into and found many of them to be lacking. Once I discovered Paganism though, I started to purposefully cultivate archetypes within myself such as Artemis –strong, independent, just. The idea of being the main character in one’s personal myth was very appealing. Whether we actively believe this or not, we are creating our story through the years of our life. If the story has plot lines, morals, and gains momentum or gets lost without a plot is up to us.

just before dawn

2011-03-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

It is just before dawn in the Northern lands. Morgan waits, yet the waiting does not imply patience. The waiting is a quiet, dull boredom that isn't yet excited. The dawn chorus has not arrived and there is not tense anticipation for the explosion of the day. All she feels is an anxious annoyance at being awake, still, and waiting, for the dawning of just a normal day.

Morgan knows she has made progress, no longer in the still, dead, timelessness of the Temple of Saturn. Yet, the experience gained seems to resemble more jadeness and weariness than it does experience or wisdom. Soon, the dawn will start and the day will take over. The machinations of daily life will stir and the gears of progress will leave such doubts behind. But for now, there is nothing but the stillness and the churnings of her fretting.

Day by day, petals fall from the stem, leaving an ever unfolding bud that opens in fullness. The frustrated impatience is a choice she has made. She strains to hear the first bird start its song and wonders in the solitude, what colors the clouds are turning. Those hues of orange, magenta, and impossible pinks burn out the mists of the dreams still clinging to the edges of her vision. A scraggly owl tries to shake off the evening rains to get some sleep. Charon has already stayed the mooring pole against the bank, not turning back now. It doesn't matter, Morgan thinks to herself as she shakes off the draught of sleep. Cronos will take his due. It is another day, Sol rises and there is work to be done.

Why?! The constant crowing echos in the back of her brain. She offers no answer for the eternal hypothical question. Clothes, coifed hair, the mask is assembled, piece by carefully chosen piece. Silence, methodical rhythm of unquestioning traditional practice. Work, this is life, the push forward in undeniable.

"Sigh, leisure is not my lot." Thus it has always been, and that's okay. The work of today will turn into the fortress of tomorrow. That time is not now. Tears now brushed aside, she takes up her sword, her bow, boots and assundry sachels.

"Why!?" calls the voice, quiet and lingering.

"Because I am aware of the truth. It gives me no other choice but to live up to it. Every step in this life I walk as an ox pulls its burden forward. It is the ox's place and this is my lot. I can only change my fortune by each day, and today is my day in this life. It's not all bad..." she finishes as if she'd truncated herself.

"...just wish I didn't feel so alone."

but beneath it all...

2011-02-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

I've been meditating on the Strength card, the Empress, and the Magician during the past few days. I am so weary of winter, waiting for some new life pulse of the fresh new season to overpower it. Yet, within the wet snowfall of the morning, I saw the pure beauty of the bright whitenesss covering everything in transformation. The snowstorm did so immediately and instantly.

Between mundane and spiritual projects, tippety-type, day after day, careful planning and tending to those little sprouts I wish that one day may grown into trees, I am weary. Such projects are both tedious, trying, sometimes boring, and tiring. Just like the snow though, there is a connective cellular tissue beneath everything. Crystaline strutures creating fractal patterns reminding me "everything is connected to the spark of the divine in everything else". The infinity symbols hanging over both the Empress within the Strength card and the Magician remind me, yes this is the point. This is the height of our being that if we allow ourselves to connect to our higher nature, then we are allowing suplication, trust, and faith to connect to the divine, to our personal divine, to the rest of the universe, and on a human level, to each other.

My favorite tree as a child was the willow. I seek now to be the willow, reaching for water, persistant, strong and flexible. The strength of the willow is not the strength of the oak. The willow does not tower, but bends. adapts and flows, connecting with wind, sky, earth, and water. The cow's horns over my head reflect the light shone upon it. My toes are within the earth and my crown seeks connect with all. I pray not casting my gaze downward, but to the vastness of the stars. I hear the pulse of life beneath the sunrise and sunset of every day.

The fluxuation is constant, though I may not be able to keep the meter unassisted. The light within is eternal. I am Saturn's daughter, within his temple, I keep time. Within and beyond that pulse is the glory and victory triumphant.

For the kingdom and the power and the glory are yours should you dare. Look within, the spark is there.

Blessed be.

missing in action

2011-02-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't been posting a whole lot lately. Each time I sit down to write a new post or article it doesn't quite convey what I want it too. So, I'll have to say that for now, I am cooking a lot of things and they need time to rise, set, and rest.

This may be a bit of a trend as I prepare for my next transition. In early January, I passed my 3rd degree interview with all of the 3rd and 4th degrees of my tradition. In a couple months I will receive my 3rd degree initiation, and gain the mantle of all the responsibility that goes along with that degree. I have expected magickal shifts, but I am also adjusting to some of the other, more mundane shiftings that go along with change. I'm going to leave off there.

Blessed be.

The close of the year

2010-12-31T07:16:00.000-08:00

I awoke this morning to an ease of no schedule and a quiet, still house. Since this is the last day of the secular year, my mind float outward on the white sunlight of the morning and into the future of what the upcoming year might have in store for me. As always, without an accounting of the year before, I cannot look forward. Tears well in my eyes as I still awe at the vastness of life. I will never know anything even as small as a speck of dust, the world is so great. And yet, all specks are as One.

The past few years, especially the last one can only be described, as Joseph Campbell would, as the hero's journey. It feels like the more time I experience the less I know of it. This past year feels like it has been full enough to have been five years. So much has changed that it feels like the world has changed, when really I understand that it is how I react with the world that has changed. Magick grows, my relationships are deeper, time is becoming a solid thing (and I'm not even sure what that fully means yet). I jumped from the Tower and found myself rewarded for my faith, and was caught into the hand of Helios who opened the door to the next opportunity.

I told my Love yesterday that we are very wealthy. We have love, magick, friends, family, joy, tears, and we dance, as if we were still dancing that first dance on that sacred dance floor 3 years ago. We have a deep well and amber washes up shoreline and glows in the sun. Such things are Treasure, and we are blessed.

I look back, seeing that for many years I searched for where might be a suitable place to build a life. Now I look forward at the daunting task of building from the ground up. For the past year I have known that I cannot only plan for the next few moments or months but now must learn to look in terms of decades to see the blueprints turn into finished structures.

I found it interesting the other day when I was searching for a good statue of Saturn, the majority of the google images that came up were of the Grim Reaper. It was curious that in my mind, who I saw as Father Time, Padre Tempo, Saturn, and Chronos, to the general world was the skeletal figure, the Angel of Death. To a worldview where everything is change and flux--one form shifting to another, the finality of the Grim Reaper just doesn't seem justified. I look at the death card and see the Tudor Rose and the sun rising (or setting?) between the pillars in the background. It isn't sinister.

This year, lessons have not helped me to rise above the process of the rest of the world, but to immerse myself deeper in the breadth and depth of vast area of experience that life has to offer. So, could it be said that my cup is tempered this year? That it can now hold both hotter and colder fluids without cracking? The forge was not pleasant, but the strengthening process was worth it. In fact, a few months ago my chalice, that I had bought within my first year of practice of the Craft, broke. I mourned its departure, then had an opportunity to glaze a new one. The new vessel speaks to more specifically of who I am. The new vessel is more suitable to the changing of tides.

Out of the harbor, I sing into the sails of my little boat. I dream of the place where the sky meets the sea and Mananan's stars guide us above and below. I search for the place where Asland's country begins, a place where the water grows sweet and lillies float. For in the Spring, the Tudor rose will bloom again and we will dance forever on the sea amongst the stars.

Hail Shakma Winddrum

2010-11-27T07:05:00.000-08:00

There are amazing teachers that pass through our lives leaving a wake of change, enriching us, and fueling us to move forward to the next level on our paths. Shakma Winddrum, who passed into the Shining Land last night, was one of those teachers.

Here is one of my stories about how Shakma touched me and made a huge difference for me personally. In the spring of 2003, I had just joined Guardians of the Windsword when it had dedicated on Samhain 2002. I was excited to be attending a special event that the Assembly was hosting, having Shakma as a guest speaker for a weekend intensive. I had no idea what to expect. The air was still, and yet the excitement of the growing spring and our anticipation zinged through the great room like static electricity. Then Shakma was wheeled through the room to the front, I felt as if we should be standing in her honor. The sheer power of her presence was that of royalty.

She spoke of many things that day. Some I understood, like the value of truly having faith and listening without the need to immediately question or to react. She spoke to each of us who were in attendance, sometimes with difficult words of judgement, a call to action to each. She looked at me, a unsure, young woman of 21 and smiled in joy. The forceful pillars of firey power behind her eased, and I relaxed. She told me, "You are a priestess! Have you told your teachers your intentions?!" I said I had not, that I didn't know I was a priestess. "Well you better let them know! Cause you are a priestess! Mmm hmm. " She looked to the back of the room, shaking her finger at me, and gave Ivo a look. He nodded. After hearing what she had said, challenging some of my friends, I was petrified, glued to my chair in both respect and trepidation that I would set her off and break this spell of encouragement.

The next day we had a ritual in which everyone was to come to the center, the sweet spot of the domed great room, for an experience directly with Shakma and the Assembly's ancor, a huge brass cauldron. Shakma broke shells and barriers within me and I heard this ringing bell echo and spill forth from the cauldron, filling the room, and shaking through my being. That bell, was my own voice singing in joy and connection, heralding the priestess I would grow in be in the years to come.

That ritual was my first experience with cross tradition magick, Shakma, and the ASW's cauldron, open in all its splendor. The memory of the sound of that bell, that moment, the invocation of self, rings out to me often, awakening my magickal self and calling me to action in all of my parts. I would say that moment, is one of the most important tools I have as a magickal practicioner and I use it often.

The following is a glimmer of the hope and inspiration she called forth for us all. Thank you, and hail, Shakma Winddrum for the vital lesson and challenges you gave us all. The world is changed for the better for you having been here.

Excited about the Winter?

2010-11-25T10:10:00.000-08:00

I was sardonically thinking earlier today as I contemplated a blog entry that I during the darker months I should change the name of my blog from "Letting go is Flying" to "Slogging through SADD". Fortunately, even when I'm in the dumps, I'm really not THAT negative, so I won't indulge in that idea.

Last night Craig and I had a conversation about the research he'd been doing at the medical library of the hospital where he works. He wants us to invest in several things to make our tiny urban apartment more of a sanctuary for me. This includes a white sound machine that has birdsong and rain sounds, switching out our lightbulbs for full-spectrum bulbs, and lots of plants. Everyone that knows me, is aware of my huge penchant for plants of all sorts. I have not had the spare income in the past few years to really devote the resources into indoor gardening though. Now, its become a priority and I have to say, I am tickled pink! I'm looking into hanging plants, forcing bulbs, and creating an indoor green sanctuary this winter.

We'll see where it goes, but I'm looking forward to not having everything bear after I take down my holiday decorating.

Cheers!

Lightning

2010-11-21T18:05:00.000-08:00

Electric, instant--
Spark of spirit,
joining sky to ground.
Timeless and forever
Split second, fleeting.
Blind Ecstasy
lost in eternity
formless and no me
No-thing hung in stasis

Is that how all of the universe was created?
How is it that life hangs on a pinpoint?
No thoughts, no words,
Connection in all, otherness, nothingness.

Memory is nothing too.
No time, just one circular Now.
Gnosis
I am.

Sticking One's Neck Out

2010-11-21T16:24:00.000-08:00

I've taken a little bit of a break for the past few weeks not blogging, not writing articles. I've been very busy living. Priestessing, teaching classes, leading my study group... All those things are par for the course. I've also found myself stretching who I am, how I define myself, and how I have been living. I've been daring to have experiences I wouldn't have dreamed of in the past. I stripped on stage in a gay bar in New Orleans and danced myself silly in my underwear and a latex neck tie. I've been flirty and outgoing, chatty--I've been having fun and letting go. I'm living as the quirky, queer person I am without excuses, shame, or guilt. There just isn't time nor space for shame or guilt in my life.

My dreamworld has changed lately too. Dreams of passing through worlds, meeting new people, and shape-shifting into animals, speaking with animals, and flying. Both in dreams and in waking I find myself falling into the abyss within the eyes of another. This is not oblivion, but pure connection--Oneness.

Yet, in contrast to the incredible experience life is, I struggle. I struggle with the challenging boundaries and hard-knock lessons of Saturn. I struggle with the long nights of the dark time. I struggle with the separation that is existence in Malkuth. Because I call my yearly struggle SADD (Seasonal Affective Depression Disorder) it is as if giving the struggle a name should explain it out of reality. This is not a failing on my part to be spiritual, connected, or positive enough. This is part of my challenges in this lifetime. I'm okay and others understand and are gentle with me. Saturn is forcing me to gain new perspectives and look for different types of solutions. SADD too, has a solution and I'm going to find it.

I share because our human-ness, our struggles, and fears need voice. We are not alone in this human experience. We are in it together, all a part of this great spinning sphere we call Earth.

collecting lessons

2010-11-16T04:01:00.000-08:00

So, now that over a week has gone by since the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel's annual Hecate Festival, I am looking back at the experience to see what has come of it for me. Let me give you a bit of back story on this year's ritual. This was the 10th time I've attended the ritual and the first time that I had the role as one of the priestesses aspecting Hecate. I was Hecate in her Mother aspect.

I think the main thing I am coming away with is that we all seem to hide in our personal universes in an effort to not let anyone hurt us. We turn away, shield, make facades and masks. We are circuitous, subversive, and we lie to ourselves and to others, hoping that naked truth of ourselves won't be discovered.

And yet, we are walking about naked as can be, as ourselves and just like each other. We are always together and always connected, no matter how often we deny this or turn away. Over and over again, I find that each time I stick my neck out, share personal things about myself or share a tear, a hug, a true feeling with someone, I not only find greater connection with people, but I also find a blossoming within myself.

Are you a tight bud, fighting against the frost, or do you wish to be a fully blooming lotus, floating in the life stream? There are no secrets, no shame. Step outside of the fear and connect, affect one another and tap in.

Everyone is seeking acceptance. Make it your part to contribute to that acceptance; of yourself, of each other. Look at people in the eye, not the surface, but the depth of their soul. Find yourself within. Put down the armor. The battle is an illusion.

Spread your wings. The sun, the wind, and Love is waiting.

* photo from http://www.lisashea.com/japan/origami/sales/flowers/lotus/

Something to be political about

2010-10-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

In general I haven't found myself to be a political person. I'm interested in people on a one on one level, psychology of the mind and the connection we find in each of our personal relationships and encounters. On the other hand, I have found lately, that after much debate, worry, self-hate, doubt and years of loneliness, I'm getting to where I can talk about one thing that I feel so passionately about, that I'm willing to take a political stance over.

Gender--or possibly the lack thereof.

I hated myself so many years over my inability to confirm with societal expectations of how I was supposed to express myself as a female. I found comfort and resolution through the Goddess community and the Goddess of Wicca. I had other options of how to express myself.

Last year, I took it further by studying Hod of the Qabala for several months in preparation for getting reading for a major ritual. I kept going back to the cloying and undeniable magickal image that corresponds with Hod: The Hermaphrodite. The Hermaphrodite seems strange, and in congruent with other symbols or even the qabalistic system itself, and yet, I liked it! Not androgynous or without gender, but possessing the sexual powers and attributes and synthesized into one being! No wonder occultists of the 30's, even the 60's aren't talking about it. There is a major lesson in the discomfort and power of that symbol.

I'm sure I'll have lots more to say, but for now, I leave you with a couple of other bits of musing to ponder:

1. Kate Bornstein's latest blog post, as encouraged by Dan Savage's response to the suicides in the LGBT community: http://katebornstein.typepad.com/kate_bornsteins_blog/2010/10/it-gets-better.html

2. A bit of journaling I found inside my copy of Kate's book Gender Outlaw, nestled next to some outrageous Revlon lipstick ads on the back of a boarding pass from March 2007:

Are women in porn the aggressors?
If I am third, can I have heterosexual sex?
Does that mean I can only have gay sex?
Do my attitudes toward sex and gender force men to treat me as an equal, not lesser, but HUMAN?

They are uncomfortable.

Where is the blending of polarity. How does magick change if everything is shades of gray? How does my God and Goddess look when they become queer? Become third. ..
I will never be comfortable with being a woman because I do not want to be owned within that group as my identity.

I am queer.

I am learning to trust myself and not be owned by fear.

3. I also recommend highly Ursula LeGuin's The Left Hand of Darkness.

Self identity is magickally unique. The boredom, the lack of choices, the lack of language and experience we have as young adults is fleeting. I promise. It will get better.

We need your truth.

the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel on Time Magazine

2010-10-07T04:19:00.001-07:00

Michael Smith, one of the Elders of my tradition was interviewed by Time Magazine. Its a great article. http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,2023973,00.html.

Binah

2010-10-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

Isis Unveiled, and Ea, Binah, Ge.

Lady Marah of the Silent Temple

Facing toward the black mirror's depths

From which arises mists of time.

An lead bell unstruck

The bell that never tolls nor dispells.

Your bitter sea, cold upon my cheek,

I taste your depths, silent--eternal

Your eyes see all and speak nill.

Lady Morgan of the marsh

lone is your journey.

but beneath the curtains of briney cloth

Your secrets Mermen watch.

Opener of Gateways

2010-10-04T03:52:00.000-07:00

I just came back from my Tradition, the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel's, annual retreat. We really rocked this weekend and I am recharged and rededicated. Lots of community bonding was done. The pathway to the future is a bit more solidified and its good to be able to get glimpses of the next few generations of work.

In other news I have been dreaming of bears. A couple nights ago I was shapeshifting into a brown bear. Last night I was helping a momma black bear and her cubs. I also made the cubs porridge which I assume is a dream-joke. Haha, very funny. Tonight I think I will speak to Bear and see what wisdom might be waiting for me.

Blessings

Thoughts on the Autumnal Equinox

2010-09-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Here's a link to my latest article on witchvox. http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usnj&c=holidays&id=14181

Cheers!

Maggi

the center of the universe

2010-09-16T03:59:00.001-07:00

Sometimes after magickal work I find myself entering a different dream state when I go to sleep. Last night everything felt quiet, settled, and flowing when I went to bed. Last night, as I was getting ready for sleep, Craig was looking for his keys. I told him sarcastically that he must call for his keys in Egyptian, Atu and the key will be revealed. Quite pleased with my bout of evening wit, I proceeded to do my best "evil magician" laugh and immediately fell dead asleep.

Before that I had been thinking about making my solar plexus both brighter and stiller. I had been talking in class about invoking Litha into SADD induced dark places of winter. I figured I could also invoke the still of the sun in all its power and glory into my center. Normally I connect to the Sun as movement, power, Will, and empowered movement. Today, though, in the peace of this autumn morning, there is no movement, no noise... I am holding onto my dreamscapes today. May the universe orbit around the bright stillness at my burning core.

Last night I had a moment in a dream so real that I wonder if it will be the most real thing I experience today. It was so real, I startled myself awake. So, I leave you with my favorite band ( Think I was actually at this performance), performing "I live on what's Left". This song is a bit of a personal anthem and it tends to change its meaning based on where you are when you come to it---both sides of the staircase of the underworld.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1f0GW-l9P4

Trompin' around the underworld

2010-09-13T04:06:00.001-07:00

I must admit that the last almost 2 years of transits of Pluto conjunct my natal sun has been certainly a trial, but an informative and transformative trial at that. I am on the 4th and final round of this once-in-a-lifetime transit. This time it is less forceful and I have grown to recognize how it feels in my body, in my life, in my interactions. How are my reactions right now? I'm tired. I have grown weary of Pluto right now. I am not controlled or buried by it at this point, I am just tired. I feel like an overworked mule.

The good news is that I have only 2 weeks of it left. Pluto makes things come to light that usually stays hidden, similar to a really big pimple on the tip of your nose. You look in the mirror, "Oh, THAT again". There comes a point where you want to look at the whole picture with acceptance rather than be constantly reminded of insignificant, but sore flaws. I know in two weeks I'll have that break that relief from this trial period, but for now, I feel like Shrek's onion, pretty peeled down to the core. But hey, underworld Goddesses speak very clearly down here.

So where will I be after this is over? more whole, less consumed by illusions, more stable, more the true me. During the past couple of weeks I've been shadow boxing; literally and figuratively. Shadow boxing is a martial arts technique where you fight your imagined double, or a mirror opponent. Just as I did when I started the dao, the fight is mainly in your head, with your own shadows.

I pray at the end of this pressure, I will find peace. There are no external opponents, and therefore I should find peace within myself. May there be rest in the dreamtime. May I be whole. I honor you Pluto, I appreciate your lessons. Persephone, your unending grace be ever with me. I look forward to October, to peace, to quiet, to freedom, and to grace.

And into Hecate's arms.

*photo from grumblinggryphons.org

First Harvest

2010-08-16T04:16:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, now is the time where I start accounting for my year: looking at what I harvested, and making sure the rest of my harvest is well underway. Now is the time of the first harvest, where we can look at what is ripening and decide if it was enough. I started looking at what I'd accomplished this year so far (or from the last Samhain, which I would have considered the end of my last year. I've been so in the thick of immediate stressors that I hadn't noticed the fruit about to fall off the vine. In every avenue of my life I've gained great things this year.

Last night I dreamt that I was taking magickal inventory; cataloging, double-checking, and searching for this or that. I've been doing a lot of that at work, but it is time for me to do the same thing at home, internally. In fact, Gwaeron gave me the first reading he's every given me Saturday night. I found myself looking at the upcoming months with a bit more clarity and from a different perspective. I had visions during the middle of it from what was to come and what was really going on. The kind of rapport is always helpful magickally.

And yet, all signs point to down. The cards, my visions, my sight during my coven's ritual on Sunday, all tell me I have to return to the underworld for another descent. It is immanent, so I am getting my head around that as well. After the descent, rebirth, and a new life awaits me. It will never be the same.

There is only onward. I look toward the future and see Ansuz. Lots of them. Within that descent is a forest, a dense, vast thicket of a call to Divine speech, right language, and the Mystic connect to Divine Will. I will make my accounting, and choose my words wisely. There is much to be gained, and it is so easily lost.

Work and Duty

2010-08-11T18:39:00.001-07:00

I have been quite happy to have spent the last 8 days doing mundane work. A new commute, a new job, fixing up my house for sale... I found that, unexpectedly I didn't miss that I wasn't doing ritual, pushing myself magickally, or plumbing the depths of my psyche. In fact, a lot of the spiritual discontent I have grown accustomed to, just wasn't there. I was happily doing normal, mundane things.

Yesterday I had the great opportunity to attend a Hecate attunement offered by Jason Miller at the local Pagan shop, Mystic Spirit. As I went through the grounding, centering, and connecting exercises in the ritual, I felt layers of my energetic bodies unfurling like fiery wings. The floor pulsed beneath me and like a hook into the back of the head of a fish, the descent took hold.

No, I do not sleep. Middle work is valid too. I am very awake, and satisfied in my Malkuthian journey for now. The gears of the wheel turns, ever spinning, ever faster. The march of the current carries me down the path of this year. As the harvests have begun, I feel that I too have crested a great summit. May the momentum of the year carry me into the rest of completion and to a joyous Yuletide in its due time. Blessed be.

for Dave

2010-07-23T18:28:00.000-07:00

The thunder rolled and crashed
it light up the sky
humid summer air and a pack of dogs
Athena, Zeus, and Apollo.

Unassuming virility and passion
lite up your eyes in a citrine glow
the electrical spark across the sweat of your skin
and the fluctuating caress of teasing

A satyrs lust and joy of life.
lupine fantasies, dragon's gaze.
A new doorway opening
to the gateway of night.

Dreaming awake

2010-07-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

I asked for something more.
I knew it was here,
I'd been here before,
somewhere near the rabbit hole.
Spiralling downward,
through time and the layers of memory I fell.
Here again in this place
lit by moonflowers and lightning bugs.

The scales have fallen
there's no turning back.
Only forward,
following the unicorns tracks.
The clock strikes it toll.
Each cycle of blood
Upon the barrow's, knoll.

The moon's mirror is dark
time's made its mark.
If I had only but knew
I'd bittten more than I could chew.
Tethered now upon God's yoke
I pray for fate, don't let me choke.

through the mist

2010-07-13T05:12:00.000-07:00

The mist always told me of the treasure it had in store for me. In the muffled silence I could see through the white wall. There was a whole new world waiting on the other side. Through the rushes and under the water. Peace and cool, webs hung with dew. Her voice carried me down, through the water to the opening at the bottom of the lake.

Slingshot through the gateway of the moon, the Lady waited for me. Shifting and changing, bright into dark and back into the moonlit glow, her image flickered. She smiled. I had come home.

The hounds take me onward. Into the blooded night. I bleed into the dark earth, silent. The aching is a connection as well. She witnesses me, and I connect to her. The throbbing continues, a mystery of blood. Although I am silent, she hears me. My silent voice is heard, and recorded. The crone's words still echo in my ears, "Magick is everything. Wicca is your life" And it is so.

Paganism and Mental Freedom

2010-07-08T08:47:00.001-07:00

Freedom of belief and freedom to choose the specifics of one’s path are some of the most highly valued ideas in Pagan religion and practice. It is something that I have come to almost take for granted. Recently I was exposed in a visceral way to the alternate viewpoints that other religions proscribe to. This exposure triggered some memories from my teenage years, when my quest for spiritual fulfillment became an important facet of those formative years.

I was a very religious and devout kid. I desperately wanted to be good and do God's will and perform my purpose in life. I wanted to live right and be a good person. I was obsessed with Sunday morning service and had memorized all of the rituals of the ministers, acolytes, and cross bearers by the time I was 5. I had all the liturgy for communion memorized and even knew all the sung choral responses throughout the service. I dreamt about being able to carry the light into the church and tend the altar. (I think it is fitting that after so many years, praying with a lit candle by my bed, that I wound up working very closely with Brigid when I became Pagan). In that way, I still tend the flame and pray and meditate in a very similar way as I did all those years ago.

When I was 14, I attended a Christian camp for a week with my best friend. I felt so close and cared about. I listened to sermons and bible study, made new friends, and watched as young people got in trouble for foolish acting out. There was hazing, and a bit of brainwashing, in the name of God. I found it confusing. And at the same time, I wished so bad to be pure, to be God's chosen, that I desperately wanted to be Baptized. At the time, I was very upset to find out that there had to be parental permission. I petitioned my parents to let me be baptized and join my friends church. My mom told me confusing words, "Wait until you're 18. If you still want to be Baptized then, go ahead." I felt like she had abandoned me. I wanted something holy, sacred, and pure, and I was not allowed. I wasn't allowed to go to the YMCA church lock in, or the 24 famine fund raiser. I thought she was being cruel. She was worried about me being taken advantage of. She did let me continue being a part of the church's youth group and I made great friends. I threw out all my vampire and new age books I had collected all through childhood. I quit celebrating Halloween, threw out a massive vampire novel collection, and wanted to be a good Christian girl in every way. In fact, I suppressed a lot of my natural predilections and desires in order to try to fit into a very strict, judgmental group of people.

It just occurred to me tonight, that the scare tactics I was subjected to as an impressionable 14 year old were cruel and unfair. How could adults trained in this sort of psychological conditioning, brainwashing, and bullying use such tactics on children? They are brainwashed themselves out of thinking. They think they are justified and holy. Even then at that camp, I thought the hazing was unfair and completely outside of what Jesus would have done. Jesus always seemed like an accepting, loving, tolerant, pacifist to me.

Shortly after turning 18, I told my mother that I wanted to tell her about the new spirituality I had discovered and chosen for myself, called Wicca. I explained a bit about it and she immediately responded, "I am so glad you've found your spirituality so young!" It was so easy and I've always had so much support from my family. They knew I'd found what I'd been looking for. Ever since then I've flourished and grown stronger, happier, and healthier.

I'm going to have to thank my mom for making me wait. That must have been a hard decision for her to stick by. Too bad I felt so alone and hurt because she was doing what she thought was in my best interest. I couldn’t understand her reasoning, but I do now.

My family had always valued critical thinking, independence, and education. My father even read to me every night Greek mythology and bible stories. I understood at a young age that the parables in the bible were metaphors to teach us lessons and were not to be taken literally. I do not feel that this idea hindered my ability to believe or have faith, but gave me more ways to find meaning in literature and later, belief in the world’s mythologies.

I left that church at 15 after a youth group meeting when they preached against gays. I had a major problem with the hate and prejudice they all exhibited on fellow humans. How could external judgment be valid. I felt that judgment was for God alone. In fact, in the questions of the 42 assessors in the Egyptian rites of the dead, you are questions and assessed before Ma’at, not a human, earthly court.

Later, when I was 17, I had the opportunity to give the sermon for the youth run service at my family’s church. I delivered a talk about the acceptance of our fellows, that judgment was for God alone, and Jesus taught us to love one another. Love is giving, forgiving, accepting, and graceful. It can't be wrong or sinful. Love is love. We all know that, deep down inside.

Ten years later, I'm still preparing talks and classes. I'm teaching Love in the world as I see it to be true. I can think for myself and encourage people to question things and create their own beliefs to stand by. I still tend the flame, and keep rituals in my home. I am closer than ever to the Gods and to my Faith. I hope that as a Priestess I can make a major difference in this world. Even if it’s one moon, one month at a time.

Blessed be.

to Maryann and Maenads

2010-07-06T20:08:00.000-07:00

I sit upon the stairs of the Temple of Saturn,
looking out unto the gray vista.
Heat waves off of the still pool.
I pray for rain, but there are no clouds with which to carry.
Now, after I have known Aphrodite, I dream of Pan.
Moist skin, my hair hanging limply wet against my face and neck.
Damp sheets curl around the musk of the night.
No cloying jasmine perfumes the zephers tonight.
Encased in shadows, in stillness, in dark, I move.
Down through the layers of dreaming and sleep,
to the place in between, where cords of tension pull.

Not a priestess of Aphrodite, no, but Warrior kith.
Persephone drops the seeds of her red tears,
one by one into the pool.
And here in the Temple of Saturn I wait,
for the train of Time will come for me.
I shoulder my sword, glistening in the moonlight,
A sharpened edge, keen and watching, on point.
Sushumna, and then, sleep.

a change in perspective

2010-07-04T14:43:00.001-07:00

Since my last post, I quit my job, and have been doing a lot of soul searching to re frame and regroup. Right now I'm at the start of my Saturn's return. This is the first time I have been unemployed since I was 12. Even then I was working part time. I'm a Capricorn, with 5 planets in my 6th house, including Saturn, so this may be an interesting year.

Some things I am contemplating:

My, and society's, relationship with money.
My responsibilities as a debt owing, consumer, and wage earner.
The role of vocation, career, and wage earning.
The definition of abundance, prosperity, and wealth.
Realities or lack there of, of cash flow, scarcity, and employment.

I don't do lethargic or lazy. This process should be an interesting lesson in time management, accomplishments, and a redefining of my priorities. I am enjoying the missing labels for myself right now. I have been reading about magick, creative visualization and manifestation, entrepreneurialism, psychology, economics, marketing, and inspiration and art. I am keeping my body fit. I'm about to get married (yay). I am welcoming change and this opportunity to redefine who I am and how I fit into the world. I'm glad to have you along for the exciting ride.

Here's to the opportunities awaiting us all! Cheers!

2010-06-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

Mediocrity. I can't stand it. I cannot settle.

Does the outside world even matter? It seems like an illusion. The state of affairs not even real, all depending on the state of my mind at the point of interface.

I'm building a grand masterpiece. Tragedy or heroic effort, one doesn't know. Does it even matter as long as its grand? John Steinbeck would understand.

All I need is a hammer to break through this glass enclosure. Yet, I have a hammer, tetsui, right here, at my beck and call at any time. I am not afraid of the pain, but to be cut, to be damaged, am I willing to risk it? Life is dangerous and to achieve great things I must also take the risks. So many things, dreams, phantom houses of cards seemed so unreal, are now waiting for me to take them. This, ah, the mai ai, is waiting for me.

And yet, I want to bury it, kick it, turn everything inside out. I want to scream my rage at the destruction, the dead ocean, the pain.

Within me is the nexus of a new beginning. I can break the cycle, and I can be the progenitor of new life. She calls me, and I am afraid.

The hag is wrong, my dream will not be stillborn. She and I have great things to do. Just as I sing my mother's lullabies to my Love, then shall I sing those songs and new ones, in my mother's inherited voice. I am strong, carrying the legacy, the promise, the magick, the charm of my family, to a new generation to carry it into the future, to a new day.

The noble, the few, the pure, this can be held sacred and protected.

What have you to protect? To speak up for? What is worth saving? I am my mother's daughter and my father's son. I am lover, teacher, priestess, witch, friend. The Goddess held me and let me be reborn in the ringing tone of my own voice of the cauldron so many years ago. That tone rings true even now. That tone is my spark, my spirit, my Truth. That tone will be the accompaniment to my voice, singing the matrilinear songs, to my Daughter, she who is not, but some day will be.

sculpture by Laura Larson

The calm before the storm

2010-06-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

Heavy the air

with electric charge, heralds

through the night sky

galloping, the calvary comes.

I watch and wait

the storm lights my eyes

as within his cape

change rides nigh

Tension builds a passion of Will

for the future comes

bidden by none.

Time marches through

Are you ready?

or will you be taken?

swept away by the mighty current.

Yea, change comes.

I can feel it aching in my bones

boiling through my veins

and pounding in my ears.

He comes, and sword drawn,

I welcome his arrival, ready.

On the Plain Side of the Looking Glass

2010-05-21T07:27:00.000-07:00

What did Alice feel after her strange adventures, when dreams were only dreams and life became incredibly dull again? If the black, slicked surface of that infamous glass spit her back out, does she become the daemon conjured? Or is it that she was banished from the fantastical realms of Wonderland? Did Alice resign herself to her duty as a woman of high status and fine moral character? Did she share her findings only to be imprisoned by society, thinking her mad? An eternal tea party with the March Hare? Or did she lock Wonderland in her mind, free to roam behind the mirror’s glare, beneath the dark waters of possibility? Did she still seek the Caterpillar to comfortably nestle within the tendrils of the opium’s vapors? Did she find herself helpless against becoming a Red Queen herself, a despot railing against the dross normality of her station? Did the Jabberwocky haunt her, stalking the corners of her mind and disturbing her sleep?

Poor child. No, I think she did acclimate to the ho hum drum world an annihilated it for its sheer perversity. Alice became an amazon of her world, a Lady Knight an Mistress of her realm. For don’t you see? Anything she came across was her realm, for wherever she was, she was there. A riot of stripes in red and black, hearts, clubs and spades, her wear was natty, dapper, and prim. Ribbon, and gathers, and buttons done up, but a feral wildness of Wonderland was unfettered within. Unruly curls would obscure her face for the Jabberwocky’s grasp kept her mind in a haze. Be mindful of Alice that queer, delirious dame, for what she has seen could sweep you away.

Solstice of the Soul

2010-05-18T13:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was thinking about how many times the idea that we die alone is portrayed in literature. There is a tension between turning toward our families for support, comfort and sharing the journey and the dark, quiet moments where we must turn inward.

I have always agreed that the really hard, personal work, no matter how close you are to people or how many loved ones you have, is done alone. Daily practice, meditation, shadow work, whether you are solitary or in a magickal working group, must be practiced alone. Those dark nights of the soul where we battles with our shadows, demons, fears, and challenges, take us to a place where no one can follow. We must face the Goblin king at the center of the dark labyrinth alone, for as Sarah in the Labyrinth says, “that is how it is done”. There is a truth here, and yet, the sentiment can also lead one astray into dead ends and false mirrors of unnecessary loneliness and despair.

Solitude is necesary for seeking within. The silence and wisdom of stillness, of waiting, of listening, is one of holding the strength of a strong dark space within. This dark space, the dan tien, is much like the center of a galaxy or universe, the black whole of perfect stillness and awesome power. Deep within that darkness, within and beyond the center is the source of your power as well.

It is necessary to sometimes turn away from the outward, the constant go, go, go of society. If we are only doing, there is no space for being. If we are only speaking and making and creating, there is no space for listening. The act of metaphorphisis happens in the binding confines of a cacoon. It takes time, stillness, and the courage to reduce oneself to a primordial goop that something new can be created from those base parts.

Being a contemplative and fiercely independent person, however, I find that I can sometimes go too far. I run out of torch light and then find myself bumping about in the dark, lost underground in the underworld of my own mind. It is these times where I have to wait and reach out for help. As I turn outward and have the audacity to cry out, to ask for help, help is always there. It is only when we don’t reach out due to fear, insecurity, or doubt that we condem ourselves to solitary prisons. In fact, there is more help that we could ever imagine.

My greatest lesson has been to learn to be crysalis goo. I have to be willing to let go, to break down, to cry. When we let go, and surrender to the process of becoming, of life, of transformation, then we are able to truly feel connection. It’s everywhere! The Unity of all things, the splendor of relationships, and the pervasive love of creation is waiting for you to reach out to it. This is a great Love, understanding, and compassion just waiting to reach us half way.

For as Doreen Valiente says in the Charge of the Goddess:

“I am the Gracious Goddess, who gives the gift of joy unto the heart of man.
Upon earth, I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal; and beyond death, I give
peace and freedom and reunion with those who have gone before. Nor do I demand aught in sacrifice; for behold, I am the Mother of all living, and my love is
poured out upon the earth.”

Falling into the Void is an illusion. There is only flight. There is only change. Reaching out requires us to be vunerable, yes! It’s scary to be a teary eyed pool of goo. Changing means that the old you, the comfortable, worn out, status quo has to die in the process.

Yet, it’s even scarier to be completely alone. Put down your armor, your defense mechanisms, and connect. Through reaching out to the pervasive emmanent divinity in everything you will find an exponential stream of blessings pouring out before you. There you will find a pathway to magick, to the Divine, to the Eternal. And in this way, there is divine in both everything around you and in you, but also above and beyond you.

“And thou who thinkest to seek for me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not unless thou knowest the mystery; that if that which thou seekest thee findest not within thee, thou wilt never find it without thee. For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.” ---Valiente

By turning within, we create the possibility of becoming more. The truth is we are never completely alone, never completely in darkness. By turning within we learn who we are that we can share that unique pulse of live outward with the world.

I feel I have no right to keep that pulse of life within or to hide it. This is our greatest challenge and greatest joy. This is our Work for a lifetime of one who walks the path between the worlds and lives the enchanted life of the witch.

Earlier this week I found myself singing "This little light of mine", a bible song I learned as a child. Honestly, it was the only one I liked. I thought about Thelema a lot this past weekend and find that song still, completely illustrates my feelings of shining your truth that it is shared with the world.

Echo the sun, be sun-like. Share in love and truth. Let your power be seen and celebrate it for all to see.

“for behold, all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals. And therefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honour and humility, mirth and reverence within you.” ---Valiente

That's right, I'm gonna let it shine! Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine! Hail to the growing power of the sun, that you will share, and love and shine your truth as well.

Blessed be.

Hallucinating Pluto

2010-05-13T05:13:00.001-07:00

All night long I spent chasing my shadow

Didn't Peter Pan have such a malady?

Release me from this dysthemic waltz,

a burlesque freak show of chaos.

Transitions in eternal twilight

how can this be?

Direction, destination unknown

The rods and cones hesitate.

no map, no guide, not even breadcrumbs

no stars, no navigator, no mythic mantra.

no electro magnetism, no gravity

the rules do not apply.

Alone, beneath the bitter sea.

Nosce temet and all that rot!

2010-05-04T09:34:00.000-07:00

Change can be swift and at the same time when we are in the midst of change it can turn us around into completely different beings, leaving us completely unawares of its progress. I have found myself singing Thorn Coyle's God Waltz unconsciously for several weeks now. It goes:

Who is this flower above me?
and what is the work of this God?
I will know myself, in all of my parts.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I don't know the woman staring back at me. So much has changed that there is a different light coming through. From my perception, I look very different than I did a couple of years ago. Can we call this aging? That no longer do I have the plumpness of childhood babyfat or naievity of the innocent? Is that a smile line now permanently marking my mouth? Yes and no. I have reached a point physically where I don't have to negotiate and plead the person at the counter of a liquor store to let me buy a bottle of wine to complete my evening meal. I have desperately tried to gain the respect of an adult and finally have succeeded. Now I can let my hair down and just live.

At the same time I am suddenly feel more in control of my facilities, that my mind works in ways I ask it to and that my magick is suddenly, finally in the right gear. It was as if until this time, the gears clicked and never really made smooth transitions. I've spent the greater part of 30 years trying to be old enough. (Capricorns are born as little adults, don't you know). Now I feel like I am at an age where I can just live and not have to worry about what age, stature, or status I may or may not have.

Oh to let go of worry, of fear, of doubt! Trado ut Fuga indeed (my new moto if you didn't notice the update of my blog title. It means surrender to flight [I think Buzz Lightyear would approve]). The further I surrender to the process the easier it all is and the more life is showering upon me unending blessings. Maybe it is a matter of perspective, but its a perspective that I am digging into as much as possible. It is so freeing to be able to relax as if floating; floating on air in flight, floating in the water as if I were a lotus, floating beneath the earth in the embrace of dream-soaked sleep. ....gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

And I marvel, like a child fascinated with her reflection in a pool of water. Who is this shining dove? What is this amazing process of unending transformation? I don't know. It's beautiful. I fly, I coast, I soar. Day and night, stars and sun, circling over the sea. The white day star shines over me, never leaving me, guiding me at the center of my universe.

Everything was true. Everything I hoped for, feared, and doubted. It was all true. This is faith. And my belief and faith in the world(s) grows ever larger. Something is becoming. Each step brings it closer. I can feel it electrically dancing around me. I am the creator of something new, something Spring, something Now.

Witchvox

2010-05-03T07:30:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to share that an article based on a blog post I did a few months ago is the top featured article on Witchvox this week. Goody!

http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=usnj&c=words&id=13965

the life push

2010-04-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

Spring, glorious spring! I absolutely love this time of year. I love it even better now that've moved to slightly more northern climate and am not as allergic to the local flora. Chilly bright mornings displaying the mist and the greening makes me want to run about and sing loudly so that all my neighbors accuse me of being a crazy witch.

This year I find myself painting. There I sit, without enough references, happily creating with old materials in a cramped space. This time for the first time in years, I am listening to my Muse and happy to be where I belong, in my studio. There is no pain, no sense of loss or self-betrayal. I am an art magician and it is good. The art may be a bit rusty, but that will grow as I go along on the process.

I find myself overheated, enflamed, awash in what can only be called "fire in the head", the Celtic Divine Inspiration. I am courting my Muse fervently and lavishly. So much of my thoughts and actions feel magickal. I am looking forward to the months ahead as I turn within in order to create and share in that pulse outward.

I feel I have no right to keep it in, to hide it. Earlier this week I found myself singing "This little light of mine", a bible song I learned as a child. Honestly, it was the only one I liked. I thought about Thelema a lot this past weekend and find that song still, completely illustrates my feelings of Shining your Truth that it is shared with the world.

Echo the sun, be sun-like. Share in Love and Truth. That's right, I'm gonna let it shine! Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!

Are you shining?

Call of the Sea

2010-04-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

We rail against the world. Brandishing our words, and digging our feet in against the persistence of the tide. Bearing arms, and razor sharp swords against nothing but air. Put down your armor. The weight you bear serves no one except your own fatigue.

Float, be still. Stop your thrashing and be supported, weightless and timeless. Allow yourself to change, meld, become—becoming something new, something more. Leave your tears to the Bitter Sea. She will take them as your just sacrifice. The Silent Mother awaits you. Turn not away dear warrior child.

Need you not the bonds of iron for strong are the cords of promises, spoken and unspoken of your own tongue. Obligation binds you and Duty is your witness. Such thin, invisible threads you dare not break. The web is woven, Ariadne the foreman.

Give in, give in, the siren calls. Trust to faith in the strength of this net. Knotted together, one unto the next, the strength of many is at your call. Beneath the water is not the end, but beyond nine waves is the realm of the All.

Freedom in Will

2010-04-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

Isn’t it funny how there is such a paradox is freedom, free will, and following your divine destiny or your true Will? Whose will do you serve? To whose will are you a slave? Are you a slave to fear? Inertia? What about greed?

In laziness, in turning away from divine will, there is turmoil, confusion and slavery. In service to truth and freedom and Will, there is fluidity, satisfaction, and fulfillment. There is growth and abundance in these actions.

Today I stepped out of my office, by which I mean desk-slave cell, and into a wondrous environment of a sultry spring day. We are in April, that fabulous time where the air is thick with flowers and birdsong and laughter. The sun was shining and the breeze was pleasant. I sat by the river and read of shoes and ships and sealing wax, and cabbages and kings. Actually I’m reading a book that right now is about the politics of kings and priests. The book is the Seedbearers by Peter Valentine Timlett. One character has to follow with faith his understanding of what spirit wants from him and publicly defy what had been politically decided for him. A priestess meditates on the necessity of the priesthood after a blood lusting general scoffs at the priesthood as weak and useless.

She mentions how if the priesthood and connection to inner planes and ascended masters were not needed, that priests would no longer exist. But they do exist. Priests rise to serve the people and to help connect the people with the divine, and in this, the people evolve.

You might argue that as pagans we are all priests and priestesses directly with our Gods and no clergy is needed. I would say that those drawn to pagan ways do so because they are interested in divine connection and the otherworld and understanding of our spiritual nature. Occult knowledge is complex and by its very name, hidden. I for one may have been able to always connect with something transcendent and eternal, but like the mystic, had trouble holding on to that connection. The training of known pathways and gateways to stronger connection and the training of psychic and energetic skills has been of immeasurable use to me. My life is enchanted, my faith stronger, my energy healthier, and my future more sure than when I started on this path alone. I find both freedom and surety of purpose and the drive to go confidently onward into a future and not cower in fear and indecision.

I serve the Queen of the Witches.
I serve the God of Lords.
I serve the fulfillment of my work in this lifetime, to the best that I am able.
I look toward the future and see a golden bull holding the rising sun between his horns. The rays carry me forward into the diffusion of eternal brilliance and in this may I seek unity and gnosis.

Upon a sea of stars

2010-03-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

Dusted with Golden dust and strung with pearls
my skin gilded, lips part.
Held not within a cage, but a cauldron,
Opal egg of a future unfold.

Cords of tension hold us together,
Vibratory, pulling, chaving, singing,
We pull each other up, climbing upward.
And the mountain sings a droning hum.

Mage wind stirs, pulling the sails
Out onto the endless sea
Crystals tinkling faery song
Dance through my hair
And dance across my ears like gentle fingertips.

Stars above and stars below
An endless twlight glow.
And upon my feet silver sandles
Skim the surface of the water below.

Pinpoint of Infinity

2010-03-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

Love guide me to right thought and right action
Glory show me the path of clarity
Desire burn true, the seven eternal flames
Power be balanced in love and restrain

I seek the pinnacle of the power of belief, of change of movement.
I seek the humility of service and sacrifice.
May that sacrifice be in service to Love and not to martyrdom.
May wisdom be guided in truth, in experience, in harmony.
May Beauty be the product of the life pulse of love.

I kneel on the dais below the oculus of the Sun.
I will not bow my head, but search skyward.
I reach the stars above me but grasp not.
There is nothing there to own, but to marvel
In an eternal dance of light and Time
I am a sparkle of mist, in a pinpoint of infinity.

Points of Interest

2010-03-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

I'm in a fabulous mood today, so here I am dreaming of what the future may hold and trying to keep away brain rot. There's an image. So, I figured I'd share some links of things that are sparking my interest right now:

http://http://www.tarotoftheboroughs.com/ A great new tarot deck that has sharp images and a poignant, modern message too.

http://headforred.blogspot.com/2010/03/waking-up-from-goetic-sleep.html I really like his attitudes toward magickal practice. Its been giving me a lot to chew on, and Rufus references Jason Miller, whose blog can be found:

http://strategicsorcery.blogspot.com/2010/03/99-problems.html

And Detura Press. http://www.daturapress.com/www.daturapress.com/Welcome.html
Debbie Chapnick, owner of detura press has some great thoughts on her blog that introduce topics that can be found in the new Anthology of Occult Wisdom series of the achieves of the Servants of the Light, Delores Ashcroft Norwicki and more to follow. http://daturapress.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/the-origins-of-power/

Good morning spring!

2010-03-16T06:26:00.000-07:00

I noticed the hellebore outside my backdoor starting to bloom this morning. Bulbs are poking their way out, the snow has melted, the light is bright and cheerful, and the robins are singing. We just started my favorite months of the year. That cardinal push of spring is singing within me as well. I found myself ready to go the gym, eating better, and for the first time in weeks feeling rested and rejuvinated when I woke up in the morning. Good morning dawn of the year.

Are you living with blinders on? Do you know what you wore yesterday? How about he last time you laughed? Do you know what you had to eat yesterday? If we aren't aware of simple activities throughout the day, chances are we're missing omens and important symbols around us too. Last week I spoke with my Wicca 101 class about the importance of checking in with your internal environment as well. What are your urges telling you? What do your dreams say? Are you writing them down? How do you identify waves of emotions and what are they trying to tell you? All of these things are important aspects of awareness as well as integration. We cannot go through life on auto pilot. We'll miss the boat and the point for that matter!

Driving on the NY thoroughfare last night, I felt the towering presence of the mountains and gnomes. The land spirits just 30 miles from where I live are active, old and generally healthy. Even the sky looks different. I felt myself expand and unfurl, comforted by the bare birch and wet cedar trees, and the overflowing rivers and streams. Where I live is horribly injured. The land spirits are comatose, the fae twisted from polution, overexposure, and overpopulation. And yet, humanity and community are possible. Magick is constant. I ask myself, why have I found myself, a witch drawn to the green and the land on such a wildlife barren and aching place?

I have work to do. So do you. Blessed be.

Wholistic Knowing

2010-03-08T09:51:00.000-08:00

One of the things that really made sense to me from the start in my study of witchcraft was the idea that we have to learn things not just in our heads, but in our hearts, souls, and bodies as well. I enjoyed the concept that wisdom is not just information, but can be an intuitive knowledge that lives within.

My understanding of this concept deepened this weekend. The Northern NJ Pagan Fellowship, a networking, social, and magickal community I am a part of hosted an Astrology Intensive this weekend taught by Ivo Domiguez Jr. and Michael Smith. At the end of the weekend we did a ritual called Ladder of the Planets that helps you get to know the Elder planets from an energetic and intuitive way which contrasted nicely to the cognitive focus of the rest of the weekend. I had participated in this ritual last spring when it was hosted as part of an Astrology for Magick workshop. I did a lot of intensive Qabala study and ritual last year. I felt that I was able to tap into the Sephira in a way that I had not been able too before and have them more balanced within me. In fact, when I walked the Tree of Life in the Climbing the Tree ritual, I found the experience ecstatic and transformative. It had been 6 years since the first time I had done that ritual and it was like a whole new world of experience. I felt the glif of the tree of life click into my person, comfortably and then, gave the whole study a bit of a break for a few months as I needed to let it sit.

In the ladder of the Planets ritual though, I found that glif within me reawaken. It was alive, moving, affecting my energetic and physical layers. This time, when I saw each planetary temple as we climbed from Yesod to Binah, I was not only mentally and emotionally affected by each one of the flavors of the planet' energy, I found them living within me. I am almost at a loss for descriptors of this process and feeling and suspect this is the subject of another mystery. I understand what vibration each one of those energies feel like. It is not a table of correspondences, but a living energy, reactive and proactive. Sentience, ensoulment, and integration have new meanings for me now. Evocation is opening into a new realm. In order to understand a sphere I must become it and it becomes locked within me as well. It is integration and mastery, but I didn't understand those terms. Understanding is an unfolding process and an awareness within me. but... it is as if I have living keys, like animals living within me to each of the spheres. in a way that I can bring them in, make them appaer and talk to them like one might a God. Furthermore, I don't just have a "beacon" calling like to like, but it is as if a hologram they are within me. It is not something that I can claim as understanding. It is a two way street and a relationship. I know a thing and therefore it knows me as well and it is not my understanding that changes me, but the thing itself working within me. It grasps ahold of me too and it is changed. That is evolution toward the path of unity.

May Keter always shine down upon me in connection with All.

As the temple's door closes and I find myself back in the hustle and bustle of Malkuth, I give thanks. My silver sandals will carry me far through the mists of time and space. Blessed be on your Path and the adventures awaiting.

"I look for the quiet...."

2010-02-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

This past summer I wrote about discipline and struggling with daily practice. Just like we all know regular exercise is good for us but we have trouble doing it, I have the same struggle with daily practice. The inertia of the bed had been too much of a lure.

This past month I’ve found myself teaching, leading a study group, and in a college course. I am weaning myself back into the model of college student and find myself picking up old study habits. I have a lot of trouble concentrating at night to read and retain dry textbooks. When I was in school, I would wake at 5 in the morning, when it was quiet to study with the dawn chorus and my cats. Slowly I’m setting the clock earlier and earlier to use the quiet hours in study rather than feeling guilty at night that I don’t have the energy. I plan on using those hours even when my study for the week is complete, in meditation, journaling, and going to the gym. My contemplative, practice hours have returned. The funny thing is the impetus for this change has been out of necessity, but at the same time, the lethargy of wanting to stay in bed is fading. I want to get up, I want to start the day, and I am less tired now that I am more busy.

Hail to the dawn!

I have come to a point where a lot of my work will be patient practice. My lessons that I need to work on are mostly not in books right now. Meditation, disciplined sitting, just coming to the altar daily, and personal development in an internal alchemical way are my current tasks. I remember when I first joined my coven, my HPS was adamant about the importance of daily practice. She mentioned that those who know, can tell when a person has the discipline and strength of daily practice. I have on occasion help such a practice for a while and always needed to rededicate myself to the practice. . I admired her unyielding steadfastness.

I am also learning the value of resiliency and flexibility. Having a strong core implies that there is also not the brittleness that comes with being immobile.

Great, strong trees bend wildly in storms. In 2003, I witnessed a mild hurricane. I sat in my house, dry and quiet in the lack of electricity. The wind and rain whipped around the house and the trees danced and thrashed. The storm itself smelled of the ocean gone ashore and the energy was wild. Within the safety of my house I did not feel fear, but awe. The trees were what got me. Even the ones that fell or broke did so like a jump of faith off a cliff into the future or into death. No fear, just grace and acceptance. It was a great wisdom the trees gave me then, and I have tried ever since then to adopt that faith and fearlessness into my own life.

I have also been working lately with fear. Fear as illusion, fear as cleanser, fear as guardian at the gate of the threshold of newness and of the unknown. From where does fear and panic originate? What shadow memory does it herald? When we choose what causes us pain and fear and instead trust and have faith in the process our the paths of our lives, fear becomes our teacher and guide.

I found myself in a vision last night, transported unexpectedly to a place I had once visited before. For this illustration, I will call it the Temple of Saturn. Instead of the grey fallen angel prostrate in front of the pool of granite, There were several of these priestesses, silent, gray and cold. There is stillness and silence. In fact, I too felt still and silent as if breath, pulse and thought had all slowed down to a pause. I was one of these grey, still priestesses. Watching, alert, silent. Keeping observance. Timelessness.

The center, the place within known as the don tien, is often described as a place of stillness. I have always felt that place as a heavy, active spot, center of gravity and density, and pressure. In the Temple, all was still. Inside that tight point of density is a vast emptiness---space and peace. Blessed be.

This post's title is a lyric from the band Ego-Likness

A Crutial Turning Point

2010-01-26T11:39:00.001-08:00

We think about crises as moments in our lives where we are consumed with undue stress and turmoil. The first definition of a crisis, however is a crucial or decisive point or situation; a turning point. What is required for something to be called a crisis? Change. You haven't seen the end of something unless the cycle ends. Did you bring about the change? Did forces prod you to become aware of how badly change is needed. Did you cross a threshold where there was no turning back to the old ways?

Last night I didn't sleep hardly any at all. I kept running through scenarios of change and options for leaving major portions of my life behind. Considering that I almost never have sleepless nights, you might call this a moment of opportunity or stress leaking into time I leave for my subconscious.

As I mentioned in http://lettinggoisflying.blogspot.com/2009/12/integration-of-parts-of-self.html, my subconscious has been screaming for me to listen, trust, and make change. I've made several large steps to try to turn around my personal boat to make change and head in new headings. It seems that my subconscious does not feel that the change is fast enough. Does it wish for me to dive out of the boat and swim within the waters of life itself? Quite possibly. Entrepreneurs, creative types, those that made big changes in their lives often get to a crisis moment where the status quo or small changes are no longer enough. What is the magick ingredient that makes the big risks worth it? That was the carpe diem call to arms urging me on for most of the night. Jump, dive, let go--go for it!!!

Yet today, I was awake, alert, and productive. The rawness and restlessness of the night before seemed to be tucked away safely in dreamland... until it resurfaces from the dark depths again.

To be continued...

solitary vs coven practice

2010-01-07T08:01:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking lately about the support function of community and training within a group. Social and religious groups are organic by nature. People are different from one another and focus, understanding, dedication, purpose, and communication styles are different for all people. Thus, long term commitments within groups have their hiccups, misunderstandings, and alas, drama. Why is it worth it? Here's my story and perspective.

Often people have left Christian upbringing and come to Paganism as a way to get away from opressive Mother Church. I left the church I grew up in because I had had enough of the hypocracy of church leaders and the politics. I had tried to keep in mind that my behavior should honor God in his house. I was very devout and dedicated to my religion and devotion to God. From there, I decided to learn as much as I could about early Christianity and what Jesus was actually trying to teach. I read about Gnosticism, Esceticism, and Judaism. I even got my first taste of Kabbalah. I really liked the ideas of the overlooked Female figures is the texts other than the Torah; the Shekinah, Lilith, and Sophia. I decided that my practice would have to be of my own making as the Christian church didn't resemble at all the early teachings. I read the Gospel of Thomas.

I took a step further when I discovered sex and decided that God created something that was a beautiful gift to humanity. I could no longer focus soley on a transcendent reality when earthly existance could be harmonious and beautiful. I was angry at how I was raised as a subverted female and broke away from my foremother's history and became a raging feminist. The Goddess helped me become a healthy woman rather than a ashamed one. I started forming a sense of self with the support of the other women in circle together with me.

Some of what I had loved about the church was the ritual. Formalized robes, altars, incense, candles, song, prayer, and traditions repeated over the years. I also looked up to the crone who had taken me under her wing in service to the Goddess. A solitary path with me, the God, and the Goddess was fine for my since of peace, but much of the splendor of miracles and magick were found sharing with other people. I wanted formal training and I wanted to share with other women who needed the healing and transformation I had received.

Therefore, I sought out the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel which became my coven, friends, and spirtual family. I met them in 2001 and joined in 2002. I initiated in 2005 and consider my life's work to be within this organization. What makes coven work worth it is the smiles you see every time you meet, the heartfelt connection, and the support that we all progress together. The longer I am within the ASW, the more I can see the growth over the long term. This Wheel is the hub, the moving, spirally, yet steady point that I build my life around. The very organization is stable and strong, and I know that it will always be there for me. The people, the magick, the work give me strength for everything else that life throws at me. The harmony between people in accord lends faith when I am doubting and light when I am confused or in darkened places.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to celebrate Yule and participate in sweatlodge. By Sunday, I felt an overshadowing aura of love and care that continues to deepen through the years. I am so blessed to have such a caring community and such strong friendships.

Furthermore, I find myself a part of an evolving and growing community of similar friendships in NJ. I have hope and faith for the future. The coming year will be busy with lots of challenges but with as much laughter, tears, joys, and tribulations. I hope that I will learn, deepen friendships, and strengthen my family and communities.

Blessed be.

And on that note

2009-12-17T11:32:00.003-08:00

Here's another post about the same thing I was just talking about. Why is it on days like this we feel like we're being talked to personally?

http://www.allconsidering.com/2009/michael-mirdad-interview/

Integration of Parts of Self

2009-12-17T08:29:00.000-08:00

One of the main goals of the practitioner is awareness, control, and integration of the different parts of self. There are several categories these can follow such as:

Thorn Coyle uses: Sticky One, Shining Body, and Sacred Dove
Reclaiming: Younger Self, Talking Self, and Higher Self
Hebrew: Nefesh, Ruach, Neshama, Chaya, Yechida
SOL: Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual (planes of existence)
Elemental: Body, Mind, Heart, Soul, and Spirit.

Whatever the names or the exact system, all of these are focused on harmonizing and integrating, becoming aware, and living in a conscious, fluid, and healthy way. The balancing and healing of those parts allow one to reach further through the planes, live more successfully and healthily and evolve on our spiritual path.

Often one reads of awakening into magickal existence or full living. For me, I sought for many years on a hope, a dream, a wish that there was something more. As my practice broadened and deepened, like a flower opening, existence did the same. There was so much more to be aware of, to learn, to celebrate, share, and work toward.

One thing I have struggled with is letting my conscious self let go in order to let my younger self and higher self take the reins. Last night I found some success with that endeavor. Through music, dancing, art making, journaling, and scrying I engaged the flow of life. The message bubbling up kept urging me "Let go, trust, have faith!"

I stand at the beginning, of a life of so much more engagement. All I have to do, is refuse to shut myself off from it. Yes, it is scary. Yes I risk failure, and yet, if I listen to those other parts of me, there is no risk for it cannot fail.

Even in the still, coldness of winter is life, turning and yearning within the seeds in the ground. Within the DNA deep within the seeds of promise, I look to the future and will walk into my birthright.

Blessed be.

Growing pains?

2009-12-07T10:07:00.000-08:00

There is an amazing thing about growth and the process of learning. It doesn't have to hurt or be uncomfortable. How often are we given advice by our elders, our loved ones, or even ourselves that we just don't know how to integrate and put into practice until we are ready? It seems so often that we are not ready for this act of integration until we have been exposed to the concept in several ways, hundreds of times, or over the years. I may never know what the catalyst is that finally precipitates into a new realization, but I have found that, thank the Gods I am learning faster and easier as time goes on.

I have not been suffering from SADD yet this year. I am not sure it is even luck. I have not had to sleep more often, change my diet into something that is ascetic, tasteless, and boring. I have not had to cancel activities. In fact, I'm enjoying the ramp up to Yule this year for the first time since I was a small child. It is not warmer, sunnier, nor do I have less stress in my life. I have found that lately, as I feel hopeless, alone, uncared-for, or down, that I have for the most part, been able to name that feeling "tired". Its okay to be sleepy or tired! Its okay to be emotionally weary for sure. When I have been able to pinpoint the nature of my feelings, it has been much easier to give myself a break and move through it. I accept and honor my feeling but not necessarily become servant to it not drop everything to cater to it.

Last night, after a very full day of meetings, socializing, planning, kids, and a completed sewing project, I found myself not hungry, nor lonely, nor bored, but just weepy and generally hormonal. My partner and I had a good time, watching a movie, but mainly talking and spending time together doing nothing. We talked about my feelings a bit, and I had the space to just exist in the feeling without having fear of it taking over, nor really needing to do anything about it. As I let the feeling expand, I realized that the discomfort was from only allowing myself to feel within my physical flesh boundaries. I expanded the feeling a couple of layers out. It started to feel better. I opened up a channel of my chakras and ran the feeling through me and out. I wasn't dispelling or dismissing the feeling, but letting it flow. My hormone level increased, my awareness increased, I felt weepy, but then I also felt tapped in. Much of my problems lately had been from squeezing too much into too small of a space. I am more than my physical form.

This may seem obvious to metaphyical minded folks, but to know it in my head, but then transferr it into energetic practice were two different things. Much like I have allowed myself to be in ritual, I began, in a mundane space, to exist as my magickal self; integrated, connected, flowing, larger, more powerful.

This idea connected to something bothering me in my work life. People who know me personally see me as driven, assertive, and sometimes as a dominate personality or a hot head, and yet at work, I am seen as submissive, eager to please, easy going, and laid back. I feel shy often at work and in personal settings have felt less and less shy or inhibited. Like an insect that has to break open its skin to grow, I have been wearing armor that has been too tight, unyeilding, and unflexible. Impervious yes, but not dynamic nor adaptive.

Today, at first I still felt melancholy, but as I woke up and began to act in my world, I realized that indeed more of me was active and flowing. I remembered my experience in Binah, and recalled holding the Pearl of my dreams for this lifetime. I had more time in the morning to acomplish things. I felt empowered to do what was needed in my day and less concerned with the inequities of my job environment or the world.

Grace. Ah, yes. I drove past a bald eagle and felt as if it was aknowledging me eye to eye. I felt no fear today, nor pain. The frustration of the year of challenges was finally starting to settle in. I was starting to master within myself new ways to approach and use my own energetic fields.

The Empress, Strength, and Temperance.

Carry on.

SADD and turning inward

2009-11-05T08:42:00.001-08:00

I have tried light therapy as well as taking a lot of vitamin D. Nothing seemsto help. Studies show that light therapy is supposed to do wonders.

What does help is letting myself sleep as much as possible, and taking it reallyeasy, almost like you would when your emotions are raw from PMS. The more Ialign myself with introspection, creativity and rest during the dark part of theyear, the easier it is for me. I gain a little bit of weight every winter anddon't worry about it. I am starting to think that it is not something wrongwith me, but my body screaming at me to slow down, WAY down in the winter. Idon't feel bad about pushing harder in the summer months that way either.I'm also lucky that my current job is very busy in the summer (May throughSeptember) and really slow November through April. I felt bad last year for notwanting to work in the winter months, this year I feel like I earn my due in thesummer and now can spend more mental time on me at work. I feel like this setup was a syncronistic personal blessing!

As within so without, as above so below but in a different manner. The worlddoes reflect how we should live in harmony with its cycles. Sleeping extrameans that you allow your younger self and higher self more time in control. Insuch states you actually are letting your other parts of self shine through andcommunicate with you. If its all go go go all the time, we subvert the shadowand subvert the child self and cut ourselves off from our power as whole,healthy beings. Winter is a convenient time for me to tap into that, just likethe core of sap of a tree, down and within is wisdom as well, waiting to betapped, so that like a maple tree, we can taste the sweet syrup in the spring.

Samhain Harvesting

2009-11-03T07:07:00.000-08:00

I start looking at the year's work at Lammas and Mabon. At that point I am taking an accounting of what was accomplished and what I was happy with. I'm also looking at what isn't finished or not quite good enough. My goal is to complete that year's work cycle by Samhain. In forlkore tradition, it is customary to leave anything that had not been harvested in the fields to the spirits and to rot. The idea was that it was no longer yours to have after Samhain and the veils thinned. What was left was for the Landvaettir, the Ancestors, and the creatures of the Wild Hunt. You wouldn't want to eat food that had had the energy taken from it by another being. The food itself would not nourish you or could make you sick. Folklore aside, I deal with SADD every year so its helpful for me to wind things down and focus on myself inwardly and my family for the winter months.

Between Samhain and Yule, I follow the Celtic idea that there is a space of time between Samhain and Yule that is not of the year and is an underworld and othertime space. December really is culturally for the US a crazy time of overboard feasting, but also a time of family and joy so between Samhain and Yule, I do a lot of cooking, journaling, review how things went, give thanks for what was a success and for all the blessings in my life, then dream, rest, and plan for the new cycle to come. I also work with the Morrigan during the winter months to help cull away and clean house per say in order to make room for new things to grow. Brigid looks over my kitchen, keeping my family nourished and comforted and safe. The Morrigan help my internal struggles with the season and both temper and form the sword within me so that I can be a more effective tool of the Divine in the year to come. Finally I look to Freyja to oversee my relationship with my partner that we can be a healthy, loving team.

Mark, author of http://clearandobscure.blogspot.com/, mentioned that he just found out that leaves don't fall off trees, the trees push the leaves off this time of year. What do you want to push out or set free? What can be a joyous outward sharing to the world in brillant color so that you can peacefully turn inward in the months to come?

Wassail!

The 23rd Path

2009-10-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a dream that I, as Hod was having a debate, or trying to have a debate, with Geburah. I was walking back and forth the 23rd path, pontificating on the aspects and qualities of both spheres and the relationship between the two. This was somehow mediated by Tiphereth or else I mentioned that it should be mediated.

So, this morning I looked up which card relates to the 23rd path. The Hanged Man.

Oh....

----> which means I need to insert here that the Rune study group met at the house last night, I chatted with them a bit. Listened in a bit. I also helped someone fix a couple of the runes in their rune set with a bit of corrective paint.

Why does He (he meaning Odin) have to be such a pain in the neck? So much for a break, and I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight.

Listening.

It also occured to me that I have almost nothing to do all of November. I plan on reading, painting, journaling and doing personal ritual. Emphasis on the painting. It will be neat to see what comes of it.

*Orryelle Defenestrate-Bascule as the Hanged Man and Bird-Masks of Maat on the Tree of Life in Pentagrammaton (photo by Ben Last)

Admist the activity is a heart and soul of art

2009-09-30T13:24:00.001-07:00

I live in one of the most stressful regions of the country, and yet it is also the Art Capital of the world. Here I am, artist by name, insurance agent by profession, and by practice a witch. I'm the busiest I've ever been. Yesterday in the mail I got a copy of the Pratt Institute's catalog. I am afraid to look within at the amazing layouts of art in process.

I just read a blog post from Lauren Raine. A goddess woman and artist whom I look up to. http://threadsofspiderwoman.blogspot.com/2009/09/reflections.htmlHer art is fabulous and her commentary suddenly slammed me back into my artist self.

Art was a part of my magick, part of my magickal process and journey. It was tied to it all and how I communed with my Muses and Gods. Something happened in undergrad as art became critiqued asignments and one more way to excell. I became cut off from my artist and depressed. Since college I have struggled with the practice and the "whys" of art.

I had a beautiful dream last night of looking into a stone surrounded well or pool of purple water with white lotuses floating in it. It would make a perfect painting. It would be good to go into the regions of my younger self, the below, the underworld to commune in that place. What right to I have not to share that?

Art can create beauty, evoke inspiration, peace, hope. One of my favorite paintings is one in the National Museum called hope. There is a woman in a voluminous gown and the dawn in bright pink hues behind her. She is my Dawn Messenger of Hope.

If I connect with God it is not about approval, critiquing, or what society has to say about it. There is nothing too personal, to private, to magickal or sacred to share. It is my duty to share these images.

There is the yellow brick road gleaming ahead of me. The sun has arisen and I will never turn away from it. There is as much change as I will allow.

To be continued...

from out of nothing, comes something new.

2009-09-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

In the past couple of months I've been going through major change. My psychic vision and awareness is expanding. My understanding of topics I have been reading about for 15 years is shifting and changing. My concept of self, other people, communication, and my emotional reactions to interpersonal dynamics are all shifting, morphing, redefining.

The other day I made a connection between the singular lifeforce of astrological signs in connection with some of the same ways one might work with an angel or archangel. When the thought occurred to me, I heard a noise like medium sized brass instruments, colors around me got wonky, and the floor felt like it was tilting out from under me. The air got heavy and static charged and I felt as if I had phased out a bit.

I integrated another idea the other day that one can tap into the energetic fields of a person through electronic media and written text. I like the idea and had been testing it for several weeks. When I finally integrated it though, reading the book I was looking at was like listening to a hologram of the person. I was also able to tap into the images in their head that inspired them to describe the situation they way they did. I was using the text as a gateway into learning directly from the author. The shift of color, sound, light, and the floor happened again. My transpersonal chakra was wide open. HOLY CRAP!

Right now I'm playing around with the idea that this experience is similar to opening a zip file and dowloading a much larger set of data from the initial click on an icon. I'm not sure why or how, but I it is very interesting.

As another aside, City Fae beings are much different from the ones that live in the country and green areas. Without contact with healthy land spirits, I'm not sure what they live off of. That's not a fun train of thought if you take it very far....

Hecate sends me to the Harvest

2009-09-17T06:32:00.000-07:00

I worry for some of my friends, the self-flaggelating, doubtful, the place of fear from which they start every day. I know its my duty to help them pass through this fear. In ritual recently the Goddess Hecate gave me an athame and a bolene. I gave myself a new athame to work with Hecate. My small antlered handled knapped stone athame just wasn't feeling appropriate. This new athame though is a real weapon. The moment I put it in my hand, I recognized that I could easily kill with it. Something in my head shifted, I was warrior and witch and this was a magickal weapon that I knew how do use on several levels. Oh, I get it. . . Oooooh!

I think back on the women's self-defense classes I assisted with and remember how changed the women were after that class. I think back on new witches learning new skills and feeling for the first time their magick affecting other people and the space around them.

I think about discoveries and new definitions found within women's sacred spaces. I cannot be too busy for this work. It is my path and my responsibility for having those skills. With Hecate's torch, hounds, and sharp dagger by my side, I look into the darkness. I feel the rolling, worried clouds, the wet blankets of autumn, and the bonefires yet to come in the darkness. There is a cauldron waiting for me in that darkness. I do not fear this step for it is not death, but transformation waiting on the other side of the threshold. Eyes and teeth gleam in the darkness, reflecting that torch. I am full of life and am looking forward to this grand harvest. Blessed be.

The Struggle of Daily Practice

2009-08-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

One of my downfalls is not having a daily practice. I know its good for me, I know I should do it, just like going to the gym. I have weekly practices, but not daily ones. I've been aware of needing to do this since I first started on the path and probably before it as I tried a yoga practice several times before I was pagan. It is so hard to spend time, that is just on me.

I was driving to work this morning feeling better good. I listened to the remake of Missing you by Puff Daddy and Faith Hill (or should I say P Diddy?). Anyway, the lyric was "every single day, every time I pray, I'll be missing you".

It occured to me that this year, because of all the changes
I've gone through and the studying I've done, my entire world view, has, yet again, changed. The Qabala has been instrumental for me to have a multifaceted viewpoint of God in many forms. It was a missing link to help me get
away from God the Father and integrate polythesim
into how I believe the universe and astronomy works.

What the song made me think of specifically was that when we pray, we connect to our higher selves and therefore, are more in tune when our Will. The aspecting I have done in the past couple of years have helped me form a more powerful enegetic channel with my waking self and my higher self. I thought a bit about that connection, and would you know what? The cramp in my neck started to ease. I need daily practice. It will give me strength, more stability, focus, and purpose. It will help me energetically take care of myself and not automatically turn toward subconscious habits that may nor may not serve my Will.

I guess it was this Spring, that my HP asked me what would happen if I left my subconscious, waking self, programs off in the morning and allowed my younger self more say, control, and expression. I have thought about those words a lot in the past months. It was one of the main things that is leading me to get my graduate degree so I don't always have to drag myself out of bed to go to work. That is wasted energy.

Now I finally understand who daily practice is for and what it will accomplish and I know I'll be able to see results now. Yes, getting up early will be difficult, but it will be worth it as I want to walk in the world as a guided, enlightened, whole, integrated, unified person with a cohesive Will.

Shadow Work

2009-08-10T07:12:00.001-07:00

I read a rant this morning on shadow work, something that I consider one of the deepest, most honest, and sometimes scariest practices a witch can engage in. My favorite quote from Thorn Coyle, quoting Victor Anderson is “Anything worthwhile is dangerous.” She goes on to explain that when something really matters to you, there is risk involved. Risk that you might fail, risk that you might change and in that, bear the death of the parts of your old self and old paradigms.

I think quite often as things go into the public or popular realm they are watered down, misunderstood, and misused. To me, shadow work isn't about positive and negative pieces of ourselves and dealing with parts of ourselves that we don't like. It is about learning to understand where are reactions and predilections come from. Its understanding our fears. Its understanding our coping mechanisms. It is unburying our power that we hid from ourselves in our subconscious through suppression.

For example, in my family growing up, sex was considered bad, bad, taboo, and unspeakable... For a long while I tried to be a good Christian and subvert earthly desire. Later, when I grew up and decided that was an unhealthy attitude toward sex, it took years of working through guilt to be able to be comfortable with a very natural process. As I have gained more comfort and acceptance of my sex drive and sexual expression and identification I have become healthier, happier, braver, and sexier. Through setting something free that had been trapped in guilt and suppression I found personal power.

Shadow work was not always called shadow work, but it is much older than Wicca. All strains of the Western Magickal tradition use shadow work on some level. It is also what was refered to in the late 1800's as dark or black magick because it was hidden. The themes are there before the pop-psychology terms were overlaid on them. Even in the goetia, the magician is told to know all parts of himself so that he knows his weaknesses and can better protect himself against spirits that would seek to use those weaknesses against him.

It is a commonly held idea that power is kept in the shadow or the underworld. Dark of the moon. That which is hidden, that which isn’t obvious and in the light of day. Have you ever had your vision taken from you for a while and thrown into complete darkness? After a while, you will start to have visions. Very interesting that when we cannot see light, we start to see within. You tap into the otherworlds and the worlds within your being.

This year I have my Pluto conjunct my sun. Is this sounding familiar? My normal front-face personality (my sun) is walking in the realm underneath, the Underworld, the places normally void of light. My underworld is splayed open for all to see above the surface in the walking, waking, shining world. Yowzah! Yet, this has been a tool for change for me this year. I have become more actively aware of automatic decisions I make that I formed in childhood that may serve no purpose for me as an adult. Such defense mechanisms were useful to me as a child when I couldn’t understand the pains in life and needed to move on, yet they have become limits to me now, limiting factors that tell me what is possible in my life and what I will not allow myself to do and to grow and make change in my world.

The more we become aware of our psychology, the more we are able to decide consciously the decisions we make. I for one enjoy when I am able to control my interactions, my reactions and my emotions for my usage rather than be a victim and controlled by the tides of my emotions, unawares and at its mercy. The stronger we are able to harness our emotions, the greater control of energy, power, and magick we will gain.

Why is all of this so scary? If you have to deal with personal truths that you hold self-evident than are in fact, faulty and harmfull, it is traumatic! It hurts to have to remember traumas of the past and reinterpret them, embrace them, and learn from them in a new way while not falling into your old comfortable patterns. Isn’t it easier to just try to make everything okay and just try to be happy all the time? I find that when I try this, it is at my weak moments that I fall into depression. It is when the lights are out, it is cold, and I am alone that suddenly, I don’t know where to turn. The sun within, hidden, yet always shining must be strong. In order to have a stable and strong handle on yourself, you have to work with all of your pieces in order to understand them, in this case, especially the pieces that aren’t so pretty and fun.

I’ve been having trouble remembering my dreams since my initiation. My initiation dredged up some stuff that I had been unaware of and at first, really resisted dealing with. This weekend, I relaxed enough and gave myself permission to do some dream work. Saturday afternoon, I opened up my my healer friend, she gave me a reading and started the energy work process to release some of the old energetic bodies I am holding within me. Sunday morning, I had quite the nightmare. In a way, it was upsetting, but not a nightmare at all. The Mother was with me in the dream, lovely pointing out to me that which I would rather keep forgotten. The next few months are going to be a lot of hard work. In some ways I am aware of the process. In other ways, I won’t know what the destination is until I get there. There is no way for me to control the destination and I have to have faith in the process.

Impetus for Change

2009-08-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

Straining, struggling, building pressure,

can't even flutter in such a small space.

Heart beat quickens, heat increases,

Pushing against the barrieris of my skin my past,

the tower of my mind.

Soon, this barriers will be broken

an old shell to be discarded

and Wings spread to take flight.

But now, the energy builds

Damage to the weak point

persistance, panic,

great need to push forward,

push through

Changing form becoming new.

2009-08-04T06:58:00.000-07:00

First Harvest:

In a world where we go to the supermarket and can get any item at any time of the year, don’t grow our own food, and aren’t dependent of weather cycles (That is when it isn’t RAINING!), how does Lammas, the first harvest apply to us.

I look to the harvesting of my life. I use it as a goal post for what I have accomplished and how I’ve changed in the year. I have felt rushed, pushed, uncomfortable and itchy all year. I have stripped away dead skin, and continue to do so that I can grow into my new skin. I wasn’t sure if I had been successful this year, but from the following lists, it looks like I have been. Despite this list, I have felt like I have been in pain, stressed, sad sometimes, and unsure. It is an unease I have to live with, accept, and keep going. As I finish off the year, I hope that my relatively free schedule in November and December will help me find some resolution and peace.

Since Samhain of 2008:

I started teaching
I gave in to Odin to work consciously with him
I became a member of the council of the Fellowship
I became proficient in aspecting
I unbonded from the Windsword and joined Chalice of Living Stars
I rented out my house
I completed 2 roundtables and am working on a third
I survived a tulmultuous relationship with a woman
I survived a dark night of the soul
I deepened and committed my relationship with my partner.
I started doing work with the OTO. I hope by the end of the year to have initiated as Minerval
I started firetending
I did some major healing work and was able to help midwife my mother’s process
I got my 2nd degree initiation

I still have some processing to do and I know the solidifying process of my 2nd degree will continue. For the rest of the season I would like to:

Get my Minerval Degree
Continue firetending
Finish the Qabala series and Participate in a successful Climbing the Tree
Teach my Celtic Myth series again
Do some shadow work

Next Year my Goals:
Lead another roundtable: Astrology
Start teaching wicca 101
Go back to school, take 3 psych classes
Start doing something with women’s mysteries again
I’m still throwing around the possibility of picking up martial arts again

Qabalistic Troupers

2009-08-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of my study group. Last night the sephorith we covered was Geburah, the little understood, unloved, sphere of ending and culling. Sigh. We had some amazing discussion and sharing. Sitting there at the table, we all peered at the strength card, the 5's of the minor arcana, the red pentagon of Mars. Our faces glowed from our red shirts. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, except maybe the dog. He was very concerned for us all. All in all, it was incredible. I am so proud of them for wanting to face themselves, their shadows, the challenges, and the Work.

2009-08-03T11:58:00.001-07:00

So, I'm fooling around on facebook and I see a tarot reading app. Okie dokie I think. I click on it:

1. Context - Ace of Wands
2. Focus - Emperor
3. Outcome - Ace of Wands.

OWWWW!!!!! I wanted to post it to my profile and got an error, so I hit refresh.

1. Context - Hermit
2. Focus - Ace of Swords
3. Outcome - Star.

Moral of the story: Never play cards with Odin. OWWWW.

Havin a Hod

2009-07-31T06:21:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a Hod Moment, not to be confused with a Mercury Retrograde moment which is Hod backwards or Doh!

I had done some cleaning and decorating, then was getting ready for bed. I turned out most of the lights, lite a couple of candles in the bedroom to alieviate the staleness in the air from the humidity. I lied down in bed and as my head went down, I saw a bright orange flash on my dresser out of the corner of my eye. It was a brilliant spark glowing and arresting my attention. So, I sat back up to figure out what it was and as my head was at the same level, there it was again! Then I realized its origin--a tiny piece of mexican fire opal that had come in the mail today that was the center piece of the Hod disk I made as part of my model of the tree of life.

What a difference a tiny stone makes. Spendor indeed! Oh that's why they call it "fire opal" WOW. The small wooden disk seemed enlivened to me.

Balance of Hod and Netzach indeed! This whole project of constructing this model has taught me so much. Smelling incense associated with each sphere, and connecting it to the stones and gems, and even painting the planetary sigils has been monumental in my connection with the Tree. I cannot explain in words how this process works, but this process of CM has been most rewarding and enlightening.

27th Path

2009-07-29T19:51:00.001-07:00

Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a memory. Falling on my head like a new emotion...

Prisons of the mind must be destroyed in order to set free the Grace of God and inspiring lighting flash of the universe-Yod. This year I have spent much of it, untethered to my normal foundations (and towers) of consciousness. I have felt alone, adrift in the darkeness. Yet, there is a light guiding my way, hail Yod. It is by this word/light that I find my way to Grace and to a new Knowing. It is by this path of Faith that I move forward, unblocked, set free, and flowing.

I have built this prison stone by stone, yet now it is shattered, Detritus at first pierces through me and I fear that I will be hurt or swept away. No longer is balance enough, now synthesis must flood through me.

If fear is seen as Pachad, then the quote "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." totally changes in meaning.

I look above at the sun. His Eye is both watching me and shining my way. I seek the point of the pyramid, for I can fly.

Gettin Wiggy with it

2009-07-22T09:57:00.000-07:00

Well here I am. Waiting. I'm on day 3 of my fast and doing very well. I've been sick to my stomach for weeks so its felt really good to have a break. I even made dinner for Q. and the kids last night and didn't want to try anything. Last night Freya visited me. I did some shadow/mirror work. My weekend was visiting my Mother's side of the family with my mother. She processed a lot of things and needed me for support. I was really glad I had had breakthroughs this summer about emotional pain relating to my mother or I wouldn't have been able to support her through it. I feel empowered to not continue the cycle of emotionally neglectful mothers in my family. I'm going to do it better because I'm more healed, more aware, and am not afraid to change.

I looked through pictures of myself during the past 10 years. I am not that akward, haunted girl anymore. I am a woman in my own right. I am not even who I was 4 or 2 years ago. I'm greatful to Dave for giving me the safe haven to grow. I am greatful for Craig for firmly working me in his hands to stand up, face the monsters hiding in the shadows and process them. I am greatful for Freya for opening my heart to love and passion. Though I am not used to the woman I see in the mirror, I am glad to know she is there and am glad it is as her that I will walk through the rest of the days of this life, and not that confused little girl.

I feel like I'm having a coming out. Not of the closet, but of the traditional antibellum sort of where I have come of age and am now to be presented to the world. Is it late for that at 27? I don't know. That's okay though. I could have hidden in fear and doubt forever.

I'm not studying anything this week. I am taking it easy and doing a lot of nothing. I have been looking at the Havamal and Rune Poems just as a persuit rather than something with deadlines and expectations.

To everyone that has called me, thank you. It has been very helpful. Please keep them up.

"I look for the quiet"

2009-07-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lots of people seem to be down in the dumps. I for one, am not one of them. I am sorry to hear that and hope things start to look up. It is July and warm and sunny, I don't have complaints here. I am stressed out, but not in a pulling-my-hair-out sort of way. I am coping, but I wish I didn't have such a low boiling point lately.

Odin is following me everywhere. The upset in my house has settled, the dreams are vivid, but relatively normal, and Odin seems to be in Chesed rather than Geborah mode. I am quite thankful. I've never had Odin not push me about. In fact, my neck has loosened up too. In a lot of ways, I have surrendered to the process and to change itself.There are ripples everywhere in my life. I dare not even look in the direction of how those ripples are affecting people around me. Things are changing, consolidating, and they will never be the same.

Opportunities are falling in my lap, I'm being rewarded for being diligent and hardworking. I am utterly amazed at the syncronicity and abundance all around me.I find myself stepping into a lot of mother roles. I am not afraid of this either. To hear my High Priest's words from a year or more ago echoing in my brain, I feel that I am guided and on the right track rather than alone or confused. I know that for the past year and a half I have been preparing for this moment. I didn't know what to expect, it surely wasn't this. I try to find the quiet and live on what's left. (Ego-Likeness)I've jumped out of the tower, to find myself caught by the very hands of God and

I no longer fear the future. The path ahead is hard, disciplined, sometimes painful, but ever magickal and rewarding. May all of us look forward toward the sun, like the Fool, ever hopeful for the next step on the Path.

2009-06-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

boredom
floating above, ungrounded.
*breath in love, breath out connection.

panic, fear,
urgency
breath in love, breath out connection.

the fear isnt real
It is power,
waiting for an outlet.

Don't bottle it
breath in love, breath out connection.

stick to your Will,
plan, follow the future path
breath in love, breath out connection.

no limits
you are not trapped
breath in love, breath out connection.

Change is happening
This is a good thing
This void, can now be filled with the power, waiting to flow.

Yes!
breath in love,
breath out connection.

*Thank you to Thorn Coyle for her breathing meditation.

4 agreements

2009-06-19T06:50:00.000-07:00

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a great little book called The Four Agreements. Those agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything PersonallyNothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make AssumptionsFind the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your BestYour best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I heard my mother and father talk about this book and a one friend in particular that lived by those agreements. I read the book a few years ago, then I let the agreements slip into my subconscious. I have found that in the past 2 years, I have been focusing on communication, not making assumptions, and not taking things personally. (as an overachiever, I don't usually have the "do your best" issue, its usually, more of "go easy on yourself" thing). Not taking things personally is the hardest. It is so much more pronouced when I'm with my family, because either, I notice my instinctual behaviors more, they know my triggers, or I have grown some and they want old paradigms to work. Its probably a combination of all 3.

I had a lot of bad dreams last night. At one point, I brought my etheric bodies above me to hover over me like a mother bird. The winged me, held me and rocked me, asking me what was wrong. "I don't want to be alone. I don't want love to be taken away from me. I'm afraid for the future, what if I fall? There will be no one but me to pick me up." "I am here for you, you won't fall" winged me crooned.I relaxed and drifted, fluttering back into sleep, in the safe bossom of my home, my retreat, my fortress.

I keep the keys to my home, my inner sanctum and I am not alone. This tree is made of Love, bound by Love, and grown with care, communication, and Time.

Blessed be.

2009-06-18T07:55:00.001-07:00

I've been sleeping a lot. My partner is on vacation, so I guess I might as well catch up on my sleep. Last night I went to bed at quarter after 9, and left until 7am. I did something similar to that yesterday, but my theme song for that night was

"Red, red wine.... you make it hurt so good" Uh yeah, Drank a wee bit too much, but got up twice in the middle of the night to drink gatorade, so I wasn't completely hung over yesterday.
Last night, however, I had a really productive dream cycle. At one point lots of people in my life were at my childhood home and my back-door-neighbor-adoptive-grandmother's house. There was a pregnant horse in the shed. It was a full moon and a huge snow storm. I was sure under those conditions she'd give birth. I was so worried for her as we wouldn't be able to get a vet out to us and we'd have to do it on our own.

The kids didn't know how to turn off the TV and it was really getting on my nerves. I realized that if you hit the zero "0" button and the fast forward at the same time "FF" that it would do the OFF function. Yay me. Yes, I have been reading about gemantria and other word games lately. It was kind of like a Star Trek control panel.

Other people were in and out of the house, we were welcoming anyone that needed shelter out of the storm. I was concerned about keeping the doors locked so that we didn't have unexpected, and possibly unsavory guests. It was quite the storm. But I couldn't wait to see the baby.
I've been dreaming a lot about that house and thinking about how my thought paradigms are completely changing. I like it that old things aren't what's replaying. Its new people, new situations, and quite often, I am the lady of the house and not a child within it.

putting down roots

2009-06-05T07:29:00.000-07:00

I have such an incredible group that I'm working with in NJ. They have become my friends, my peers, my community, and *gasp* my students. We went through Chapter 10, Chicken Tarot, last night. Some had made flash cards, some had made charts. Everyone had been looking through their tarot cards. One even found that their tarot cards were printed incorrectly! I was so proud of her. She researched that it was in fact, an error, and decided that Lon was right and the deck was not. In fact, she was so annoyed at her old deck for being wrong, she's going to buy Lon's book on the Thoth Tarot, buy the Thoth Deck and start studying with that. She's also buying several Qabala of Tarot books. She'll be coming to my coven's open full moon this Sunday to get to know us a bit more.

The discussion led to modalities, astrology, the wheel of the year, tool correspondences, the witches pyramid. We even passed around my egg from my triangle of stillness to have people hold it and try to visualize it or keep the form in their heads with their eyes closed. It was an impromptu exercise, but it was nice to fit it in without making people feel like they were on the spot.They want more Qabala Tarot. I'm sure of that. I'm going to use tarot for the paths and as aids in the next series we're doing for the rest of the year. Then next year, 78 degrees of wisdom.

Watching everyone grow, get excited about the topics and the learning, and the hunger for the process is so inspiring and rewarding. Their willingness to help out, volunteer, and contribute to the process is humbling and I am so grateful. I had felt a lot of loneliness during my move north as everything changed. Sometimes I feel caught up in the winds of change as if I don't have roots, but seeing where and how my roots are gaining footing is a joy.

2009-05-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

When I was first learning to ride a bike I was 5 years old. My Dad would hold the bike steady for me, and run down the road to get me going. Then he'd let go and I didn't even know I was doing it by myself.

Biking has been one of the passions of my life. I haven't done much of it in the past few years. I've been concerned about safety being alone or in traffic.

I was thinking about the process of learning about it though. I fell, my dad was there, ready to pick me up and throw me back on the bike. I've fallen a few times in the past year. I've had a lot of people reading to dust me off, pick me up, encourage me and just be there for me. It's been such a help and I appreciate it so! I know I'll fall again, skin my knees, get back up, learn, rest, heal and get better. I excited for the process.

Being Gifted new Keys

2009-04-27T10:47:00.001-07:00

I am so overjoyed about the journey! Last night, about 3 minutes before I fell asleep at the dinner table (hey, I needed the sleep!), I read Thich Nhat Hanh's comments on sanga. He talks about taking refuge in the sanga, your community of "friends, brothers, and sisters in the Dharma" In otherwords your spiritual family and community. He says that you have to create a community of practice. In martial arts it is called practicing the dao. As each day goes by, I feel that my Sanga deepens and we uphold each other more firmly. I am less afraid of letting someone led the rope as we climb up the mountain (or in the depths of the sea for that matter). Each conversation, connection shared, experiences gathered, or bread passed around the table strengthens and solidfies the sanga for me. I am so greatful for a group that will let me share some of my most embarrassing thoughts freely and with support!!! Being tired, ungrounded from a rockin Cerrenunous ritual and having a beer really loosened my tongue! (but not enough that I was asking for french fries) Thanks guys!
Yesterday I found myself running toward the gate that led to the yard we were having Beltane for the Fellowship. Sure enough, one of the members was there, needing someone to open the gate as her hands were very full! The following ritual was so beautiful!
Yes, you have to do the Work on your own. Yes, it can feel lonely. But, YES! you have a community, there waiting to support you if you are showing up. You have to be a part of it and open your heart to it. Speak up, speak your truth, your hopes, your visions and dreams! Someone else is holding your next Key. You won't be given the key unless you ask! Everyone is imperfect. Everyone makes mistakes or has scales over the eyes to one thing or another, but, we are growing, we are looking ahead. We are the divine, walking to manifest, physical bodies, growing and making change, realizing potential and creating Love and Enchantment. What love, what uniqueness, what contribution do you have to make? Love to you all, thank you so much!

2009-04-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

In high school I was a big fan of shows like Paranormal Borderline and Crossing Over. I read a lot about interpreting body language, psychology, ghosts, supernatural phenomenon, chakras, psychic awareness, you name it.

That was my thing. It still is, but on a whole different scale. I am really lucky to have a supported, gifted community of really talented teachers at my disposal. Along the way, I have seen my 2nd sight blossom and my awareness of the world(s), Gods, and our human existance expand. I grew used to frequent moments of syncronicity and people in my community all trying to do the Work, grow and help each other out along the way.

I have found myself in a new area and with a new group of magickal friends in addition to my beloved community and coven. One of my favorite authors Frank MacEowen, talks about how most people are asleep at the wheel, and calls them sleepwalkers. It is possible to go through the motions of life and not ever be aware of how large (and small at the same time) the universe really is and how broad the spectrum of life is as well. Much of psychic awareness is being aware of small ques. Some of it is signals you can pick up out of the air and the energetic fields of the people around you, and some of it is paying attention to facial expressions, body stances, and changes in patterns of behavior. All of this combines with gut feelings, dreams, nudges, call-it-what-you-will, and you seem to have these fabulous powers. I think that's really funny because in general I don't notice my awareness like that until I freak someone out!

My partners learn that they may get stern words from me for outbursts that they didn't have outloud. Projection people! On the scale of things, I'm not all that great at it either! O worry about my own sometimes dramatic emotional fluxes. Its hard to justify when you make decisions based on epheremeral impressions when you may not have words that logically back up your feelings.

But, lately I've been having fun with it. Someone asks me how I know something or how I was reading between the lines between the words someone used and what they actually were referring to or meant to imply. Especially in a magickal community, its fun when someone says "But, how did you know that?!!"

I'm a witch, ya know. Love to you all!

Squee for Rob Breszney

2009-04-22T11:31:00.001-07:00

So Rob Breszney, in freewillastrology.com suggested a way for me to start a band, so with much ado, I give you.

Caxion's first album

Acid Dropping, Classroom Burning Hippies

Squee!

Artist's Healing and Retreat

2009-04-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

My favorite thing to avoid is my work as an artist. It is the core of who I am and horribly blocked. Among the discussions this weekend, one idea was for me to go on a retreat for a few days to jumpstart my art practice up again and maybe do some healing.

I found an intensive at the Omega Institute done by Alex Grey. Art Intensive by Alex and Allyson Grey http://eomega.org/omega/workshops/caa0224c93c5921436c10141cf2df64a/

The intensive with Alex Grey is more about creating magickal art and less about dwelling on what's wrong with you psychologically. I need to get back to the Desire and Will to create art and be an artist. That is first. As I listened to the words in the Middle Pillar ritual on Saturday, I need to release the outcome, I let go of how it all needs to turn out. I hesitated to commit to the Grey intensive because I would actually have to have artwork ahead of time and talk about my artist's statement and then do art in class. I'm an artist! This is what I SHOULD be doing. Of course I can prepare a 5 minute presentation on my art. If I need to do some art between now and then to prepare, good! So mote it be!

tinkering with the gears

2009-04-20T08:27:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful for the people that support and share life's experiences with me. I had a relaxing and happy weekend with little deadlines and just good sharing with friends. One of my friends from Philly joined by boyfriend and I to go to Tahuti lodge for the Middle Pillar ritual. The ritual was nice, but not as big of a deal as I had thought. I also found out that other than the LBH ritual, I knew all of the pieces and techniques to the rituals. I enjoyed using the Hebrew in the ritual though as we've been spending so much time on that in Chicken Qabala. The other good news is that the ritual took care of the cramps I was having in my neck and shoulder. It is one more way for me to think about those techniques and try to work on the energetic issue I have with my neck freezing up now and then.

Listening to the men talk about Men's mysteries, I started to dream about the Women's mysteries in a way that I hadn't actively thought about it in a while. The funny thing is the subject has come up 3 times in the past week. It's a real need. I know what the end of 09 may look like as I start to prepare for that. (I have to wait for my next intiation which should be this year)

I've also been thinking about how you have to be the change you want to see in the world. This doesn't just go for internal work, but if you want something to happen, you have to do it. For me, this means I need to develop my workshop offerings now and really build a body of work. My journey isn't about keeping busy or always just having fun or experiencing ritual, its about contributing as well. Contributing doesn't mean exercises and activity, it means gifting in a way that isn't done in any other forum.

Despite many activities going on this year, much of my growth and change will be internal. Karate, painting, personal journaling as therapy are all about start back up again. This summer I'll be taking psychology classes as well to get ready for getting my masters in Art Therapy. Today, it occured to me that I could spend 40 hours a week, working, and doing something that I find satisfying and enjoyable. I better do it.

Something Fabulous this way Comes

2009-04-15T07:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a heavy and productive dream cycle before I arose. I had a dream where I was in high school again, but I was the current me, not the high school me. I was in gym (horror of horror--You know for someone who has been a semi-athelete their whole life, I do have a lot of horrific memories about gym class), and we were playing basketball. I was standing off to the side, happy to run the ball, but really didn't want to shoot. I was looking at the hoop (it didn't have a net--interesting because I was thinking earlier this week about magickal practice without safety nets) and decided that in the big scheme of things, whether or not I failed a basketball test didn't matter in the least. Then I realized I was barefoot. That alone didn't bother me, but I thought that I might get my toes stepped on and I wasn't really being appropriate for the situation. So I put my shoes on, which happened to be my platform stompy goth boots. ROTFLMAO! Of course those shoes put black marks everywhere. I tried to stomp them out, making it worse, then left, deciding to look for my sneakers in my locker. I found one shoe, not helpful. The bell rung, so I went to my next class. It was something dry, horribly tedious, and again, didn't matter to me anymore. It was busy work being given by an unintelligent, apathetic, burnt out teacher. But, I found my sneaker under my desk. I went to the coat closet or locker room to change. I started pulling out art projects for what seemed to be a college art class. My high school crush was there, naked. His body look quite like my ex-husband though. I thought about telling him I was going to Shanhai him into the back of the closet and have my way with him, but decided to have a bit of self-restraint. He showed me a project we were working on in Chemistry that had a diorama of a suburban town with some weird stuff thrown in; Harry Potter's house, an Olmec pyramid ruin, a volcano, and some dinosaurs. I wondered if we could remotely set up an astral temple inside the pyramid to work it. I put the thought aside as I was keen on getting back to the gym to insist that I scrub up the mess I made on the floor. I decided that there was no reason to just feel bad about it, I should do something.

There's a lot going on in that dream. Putting things into context, especially trauma of the past, doing things I don't care about as a means to an end, lusting for a fantasy and then discovering the truth of reality, taking responsibility of one's actions whether intentional or not... I think being barefoot was because I declared yesterday that I was going back to karate. There was also symbolism about hindering myself from engaging my sexuality and keeping it locked in the closet. I like the idea of using models for ancors to astral temples. That should be fun to play with. There's even an element of dealing with what I have by being practical rather than being ultra conscious of being like everyone else and fitting into the norm. A lot to think about. I'm glad that some part of my psyche is dredging through this stuff in a way I can be conscious of.

5 year review

2009-04-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

I have been blogging for 5 years. My first blog entry was on 3/29/04 on livejournal.com I saw an Live Journal prompt due to LJ turning 10 years old. It said, "what was your first entry about?"

My first entry is here: http://persephonerose.livejournal.com/302.html

I reread my first entry and reflected on the past 5 years. I have changed so much. Just out of college, I was terribly depressed and looking for how to define myself. I didn't have the idenification or sense of self I have now. I had a different car, a different computer, I have moved 4 times since then. I have changed jobs 3 times. I have gotten away from much of the Dianic and new age thought I proscribed to at the time. I went through therapy, a marriage and divorce, and became a martial artist. I changed covens as well. At the time I was working on my 1st degree and now I am doing the same for 2nd. What's been good in the changes are apparent; I am more confident, I have a longer vision of the future, I am stronger, I make 60% more than I did then (note: what I was making then was 60% more than what I was making 3 months before that), I own 2 properties, I have no school debt, I am 25 pounds lighter, and I am less emo!

Oh my, that entry seemed like it was written by an intelligent, but more immature person. I'm glad that life and my ethics are more complex and my concept and interaction with the worlds material and unseen are deeper. Despite the complexity, I have more control over my life and the world I create magick in. I am less stressed and scared than I used to be.Looking back is a good way to see where I've come from and note the changes. I'm greatful for the journey and the growth! I can't imagine where I'll be in 5 more years. I hope it is as great!